The Science of Self-Love: Why Being Kinder to Yourself Actually Works

There’s a lot more to self-love than feeling good about yourself. Though self-compassion is clearly associated with better mental health, stronger relationships, healthier behaviors, and greater resilience, the interesting part of the research is what happensunderneathall of that: how changing the way you relate to yourself can actually change the way you behave, especially when you fail, struggle, or suffer.

So let’s dive into the science of self-love and self-compassion to uncover some surprising ways they can change your motivation, emotional regulation, and relationship with failure.

Tune into our self-love podcast to learn…

• Why self-compassion may be more stable than self-esteem, and why constantly evaluating yourself can get in the way of feeling good about yourself
• Whether positive affirmations can betoopositive, and why believing you’re exceptional might make failure feel even scarier
• Why being kinder to yourself can actually make youmore motivatedto improve after you mess up
• How your inner voice can work more like a supportive coach than a drill sergeant
• Why self-compassion may help us regulate uncomfortable emotions and stop putting off things we know are good for us
• Why something can feel comforting whenyou say it to yourselfbut completely insensitive when someone else says it to you, especially during grief

We’ll also get into a surprising question: do you have to think highly of yourself in order to love yourself? The science suggests there may be another way to feel secure in yourself, one that doesn’t require being the prettiest, smartest, most successful, or most impressive person in the room.

Remember: self-love isn’t about convincing yourself that everything is great. Self-love is about building a relationship with yourself that allows you to be imperfect, learn from your mistakes, and keep going LONG ENOUGH TO GET BETTER.

Mentioned In This Episode...

• Kristin Neff’s review of the research on self-compassion
• Neff & Vonk (2009), self-compassion and self-esteem
• Breines & Chen (2012), self-compassion and motivation after failure
• Research on inflated praise and self-esteem
• Research on self-compassion and bedtime procrastination
• Research on cultural differences in self-compassion
• Research on grief support and messages after a death
• Research on helpful and unhelpful grief support
• Heart rate variability and the HeartMath technique

Deepen your self love journey with Mary’s books:

1. The Gift of Self-Love, an interactive workbook to help you build confidence, recognize your worth, and learn to finally love yourself.
2. 100 Days of Self-Love, a guided journal with 100 prompts for calming self-criticism and learning to love yourself.

Follow Mary's self love journey on IG:@maryscupofteaaand@maryspodcast

And if you’re enjoying Mary’s Cup of Tea, share it with the women in your life! Your support helps spread the gift of self-love!

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