Parents: You Change First, Then Them, with Brook McKenzie

ABOUT THE EPISODE:

You might already know what needs to change - or at least that something definitely needs to change in the dynamic with your child. Underneath the crisis calls, the covered debts, the conversations you soften before you have them, there’s a quiet voice telling you, “this has to stop.” But how?

Brook McKenzie says that voice is right, and then says the harder part. You must go first.

Brook is a Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor, the CEO of Burning Tree Programs, and a person in long-term recovery. He’s also the author of the field guide parents truly need, “You’re Waiting On You: Why Real Recovery Starts With You - Not Them.”

Brook didn’t find recovery until his thirties, and he’s clear about why. His parents loved him fiercely and did what most of us do. They softened the truth, absorbed the consequences, and kept the peace. He describes what that felt like from the inside, and it’s not what you might expect.

The moms in The Stream talked about Brook’s book for months before I finally read it, in an hour and a half, and emailed him that same day.

What lands here is that Brook does not perform sympathy. He highlights that the things that feel hardest are usually the effective ones, and the things that feel like relief are usually what keeps everyone stuck. He has his own word for what parents are doing when they rescue, and spoiler alert, it is not enabling. He also has an answer to the question that is in the back of every parent’s head, the one that starts with "but what if they die?"

I asked about the sixteen year old you still have to house and feed, and what belongs on the list of what you will and will not do. He answered both without flinching.

If you have been waiting for your child to be ready and change, this one might sting, and then it will help.

YOU'LL LEARN

• Why Brook doesn’t use the word enabling, and the word he uses instead
• The two things he says sit underneath every ineffective parenting decision, without exception
• What he says to parents who tell him they will not put their child on the street
• The one change in how you talk to your child that he has watched work in months, sometimes weeks
• What you’re really telling your child when you fix their problems, clean up their mess and make decisions for them
• The specific thing he wants you to bring to your next therapy session

EPISODE RESOURCES:

• Brook McKenzie’s website
• Get the book, “You’re Waiting On You, Why Real Recovery Starts With YOU, Not Them”
• Burning Tree Ranch website

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