2
00:00:04,280 --> 00:00:06,640
Speaker 1: is awesome. I mean, I don't have to tell you

3
00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:09,080
Speaker 1: that it's a primary focus of on Purpose, but on

4
00:00:09,119 --> 00:00:11,600
Speaker 1: a day to day basis, many people don't know where

5
00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:14,600
Speaker 1: to turn or which tools can help. Over the past

6
00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:17,280
Speaker 1: couple of years, I've been working with Calm to make

7
00:00:17,360 --> 00:00:21,000
Speaker 1: mental wellness accessible and enjoyable, or as I like to say,

8
00:00:21,239 --> 00:00:24,000
Speaker 1: fun and easy. Calm has all sorts of content to

9
00:00:24,040 --> 00:00:28,240
Speaker 1: help you reduce anxiety and stress, build mindful habits, improve sleep,

10
00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:31,440
Speaker 1: and generally feel better in your daily life. So many

11
00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:35,000
Speaker 1: bite size options from the most knowledgeable experts in the world,

12
00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:39,160
Speaker 1: along with renowned meditation teachers. You can also check out

13
00:00:39,159 --> 00:00:42,080
Speaker 1: my seven minute daily series to help you live more

14
00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:45,080
Speaker 1: mindfully each and every day. Right now, listeners of On

15
00:00:45,159 --> 00:00:49,000
Speaker 1: Purpose get forty percent off a subscription to Calmpremium at

16
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:53,400
Speaker 1: Calm dot com Forward slash j that's Calm dot com

17
00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:57,280
Speaker 1: forward slash jay for forty percent off. Calm your Mind,

18
00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:00,560
Speaker 1: Change your life. And that's the interest. And think about

19
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,400
Speaker 1: this idea that they weren't for you, and by the way,

20
00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:04,840
Speaker 1: you weren't for them either. We often think I'm the

21
00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:06,959
Speaker 1: perfect person for them. They're never going to find someone

22
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,200
Speaker 1: like me. Sure, they're never going to find someone like you,

23
00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:12,119
Speaker 1: but you weren't the person for them either. The Number

24
00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:20,760
Speaker 1: one Health and Wellness podcast said Jay Sheddy. Hey, everyone,

25
00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:23,959
Speaker 1: welcome back to you on Purpose. Thank you so much

26
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:27,400
Speaker 1: for joining me. Whether you're on a walk, whether you're cooking,

27
00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:30,759
Speaker 1: whether you're with a friend, whether you're driving, wherever you are,

28
00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:33,800
Speaker 1: thank you for tuning in, Thanks for being here. And

29
00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:37,400
Speaker 1: I'm guessing you tuned in because someone in your life

30
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:41,200
Speaker 1: sent this episode to you, or you saw the title

31
00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:45,680
Speaker 1: and thought to yourself, I've been there. I'm there right now.

32
00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:49,680
Speaker 1: I know how that feels. I'm here to remind you

33
00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:53,520
Speaker 1: that they weren't the one for you, and that's okay.

34
00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:57,920
Speaker 1: I speak to so many people every week who tell

35
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:01,920
Speaker 1: me that they thought they were so close to having

36
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:05,320
Speaker 1: found true love, having found the one to having met

37
00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:09,839
Speaker 1: their partner, and for some reason it didn't work out.

38
00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:13,440
Speaker 1: Some of these people had been together for years and

39
00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:16,840
Speaker 1: they were waiting for this person to propose, and when

40
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:22,400
Speaker 1: they shared their ultimatum, the person walked away. Some of

41
00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:25,880
Speaker 1: these people thought everything was on track until one day

42
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:30,120
Speaker 1: their partner turned around and said, I don't think this

43
00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:34,680
Speaker 1: is working anymore. And for some people, they were engaged

44
00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:39,000
Speaker 1: to be married and their person turned around and said,

45
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:43,040
Speaker 1: I'm not in love with you anymore. Now. All of

46
00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:46,560
Speaker 1: these things are hard because you built up the belief

47
00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:49,840
Speaker 1: that someone was meant for you. And what a lot

48
00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:53,040
Speaker 1: of us don't realize is that we start believing someone

49
00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:57,040
Speaker 1: is the one for us even before they agree or

50
00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:59,959
Speaker 1: commit to it. How many of you have seen yourself

51
00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:03,880
Speaker 1: future tripping. You meet someone and you're already thinking about

52
00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:06,320
Speaker 1: your wedding day, You're thinking about having kids together, you're

53
00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:09,800
Speaker 1: thinking about moving in, You're thinking at least three steps ahead.

54
00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:12,480
Speaker 1: How many of you are feeling the pressure that the

55
00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:16,120
Speaker 1: next person you meet has to be the one, must

56
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:19,320
Speaker 1: be the one, because you feel you're getting old time's ticking.

57
00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:24,920
Speaker 1: We put all these artificial pressures on ourselves only to

58
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:29,960
Speaker 1: make ourselves believe that someone is our person. And when

59
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:34,760
Speaker 1: that person takes away that thought, that belief, that idea,

60
00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:40,680
Speaker 1: we're often left broken and broken hearted. And I'm here

61
00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:43,920
Speaker 1: to remind you that they weren't the one for you,

62
00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:49,520
Speaker 1: and that's okay. They didn't want to love you, and

63
00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:53,640
Speaker 1: that's okay. They didn't want to show up for you,

64
00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:59,520
Speaker 1: and that's okay. They didn't want to be there for you,

65
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:05,800
Speaker 1: and that's okay because they weren't the one for you,

66
00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:12,440
Speaker 1: and you're okay, and you'll be okay because you're still

67
00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:17,400
Speaker 1: here for yourself, because a no from someone else doesn't

68
00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:21,279
Speaker 1: have to feel like a rejection of your true self,

69
00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:26,360
Speaker 1: because someone walking away from you doesn't mean you have

70
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:30,359
Speaker 1: to abandon yourself as well. And I think this is

71
00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:32,640
Speaker 1: one of the biggest challenges I see, is that when

72
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:36,800
Speaker 1: someone walks away from us, when someone chooses a different route,

73
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:41,320
Speaker 1: we start to follow them on their path, wondering why

74
00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:45,120
Speaker 1: they left us, not realizing that we're leaving ourselves behind

75
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:51,920
Speaker 1: as well. Don't leave yourself behind following someone else who

76
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:55,360
Speaker 1: wasn't meant for you. I want to guide you through

77
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:58,840
Speaker 1: how to deal with that heartbreak, to how to reconcile

78
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:01,400
Speaker 1: this idea that someone wasn't for you when you felt

79
00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:04,640
Speaker 1: that they must have been the person for you. The

80
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:07,120
Speaker 1: first thing I want to talk about is a beautiful

81
00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:11,760
Speaker 1: quote from Maya Angelou. She said, when people show you

82
00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:15,680
Speaker 1: who they are, believe them. Let me say that again.

83
00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:19,960
Speaker 1: Maya Angelou said, when people show you who they are,

84
00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:25,440
Speaker 1: believe them. How many of you made excuses for this person.

85
00:05:26,279 --> 00:05:34,560
Speaker 1: How many of you constantly created justifications for their actions, behaviors, mindsets, attitude,

86
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:37,360
Speaker 1: communication style. I mean, I could go on and on

87
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:39,440
Speaker 1: and on. How many of you would jump on the

88
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:42,440
Speaker 1: phone to your friend and your friend would say something like, yeah,

89
00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:44,159
Speaker 1: they were a bit off that night, and you'd be like, oh, no,

90
00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:46,119
Speaker 1: but they've got lots of stuff going on at work.

91
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,480
Speaker 1: Maybe even your parents said something like I'm not sure

92
00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:51,080
Speaker 1: about this, and you're like, no, no, mom, you just

93
00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:55,800
Speaker 1: don't understand right. Maybe you had a brother or a

94
00:05:55,839 --> 00:05:58,360
Speaker 1: sister who just said, look, I can just sense that,

95
00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:00,800
Speaker 1: and you stopped them. He said, no, I'll stop you

96
00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:03,960
Speaker 1: right there. This is my person. A lot of us,

97
00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:09,120
Speaker 1: due to ourselves, a lot of us deceived ourselves. And yes,

98
00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:13,000
Speaker 1: that person may have feel like we should do that,

99
00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:16,720
Speaker 1: but they didn't deceive us. We lie to ourselves about them, right,

100
00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:19,120
Speaker 1: Let's really reconcile that for a second. So many of

101
00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:23,200
Speaker 1: us lie about someone else in life for someone else,

102
00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:27,040
Speaker 1: in order to protect them, because we're protecting why we

103
00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:29,760
Speaker 1: like them. Let's just talk about that for a second.

104
00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:34,600
Speaker 1: We try and protect someone's reputation because subconsciously we're trying

105
00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:37,480
Speaker 1: to protect our own We're trying to protect the reason

106
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:40,400
Speaker 1: we're like them. We're trying to protect the reason we're

107
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,400
Speaker 1: with them, We're trying to protect the reason we feel

108
00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:47,040
Speaker 1: that way. And often what I find is that we've

109
00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:54,000
Speaker 1: tried to protect a perfect image of someone else, when

110
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:58,239
Speaker 1: in reality what we experience from them is completely different.

111
00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:01,280
Speaker 1: But the thing is, when you repeat that pattern, when

112
00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:05,200
Speaker 1: you keep protecting this perfect image of them, you start

113
00:07:05,279 --> 00:07:08,040
Speaker 1: to believe that's who they are. And so when they

114
00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:10,760
Speaker 1: walk away or it doesn't work out or it doesn't

115
00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:13,600
Speaker 1: pan out that way, you left thinking, wait a minute,

116
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,880
Speaker 1: but they were so great, they loved me, they're amazing.

117
00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:19,360
Speaker 1: But really, you were the one justifying. You were the

118
00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:23,240
Speaker 1: one creating excuses, You were the one making it feel

119
00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:25,960
Speaker 1: like it was going in the right direction. So how

120
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:28,800
Speaker 1: do we deal with this? Because that story and that

121
00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:32,320
Speaker 1: narrative in our mind is intoxicating. Right, it feels great

122
00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:34,960
Speaker 1: to tell ourselves that story, we found the one. It's

123
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:38,160
Speaker 1: working out. We love them, they love us. How do

124
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:40,760
Speaker 1: we not do the opposite? A lot of us experience

125
00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:43,960
Speaker 1: the opposite where we get really cynical. Right, no matter

126
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:45,880
Speaker 1: what someone does, we go, oh, they're not my person.

127
00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:48,280
Speaker 1: Oh no, no, they're not right for me. Oh no, no,

128
00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:51,240
Speaker 1: we self sabotage. Right, So there's two sides to this coin.

129
00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:53,960
Speaker 1: One side is they're the perfect person. I'm going to

130
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:57,040
Speaker 1: protect that image. The other side is they're not my person,

131
00:07:57,120 --> 00:07:59,880
Speaker 1: no matter how great it is. And both of the

132
00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:05,480
Speaker 1: lead to pushing people away or people walking away. And

133
00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:07,280
Speaker 1: the balance view is, well, no, let me get a

134
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:11,680
Speaker 1: realistic view of what story they're telling me. They're showing

135
00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:17,440
Speaker 1: me that sometimes they prioritize me and sometimes they prioritize work. Okay,

136
00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:20,960
Speaker 1: am I good with that? They're showing me that actually

137
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:25,360
Speaker 1: they never prioritize me and they only prioritize work. Okay,

138
00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:29,360
Speaker 1: let me make note of that. They're showing me that

139
00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:33,240
Speaker 1: they value me when it's convenient. They're showing me that

140
00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:36,320
Speaker 1: they love to show up for the physical intimacy and

141
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:39,400
Speaker 1: when things are great, but when things are bad, they

142
00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:42,640
Speaker 1: turn away. And what you did at that time was

143
00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:46,720
Speaker 1: just amplify the good, focus on the positives. Now here's

144
00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:50,000
Speaker 1: the challenge, right, We're scared of becoming cynical, But then

145
00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:53,440
Speaker 1: the other end is we become celebratory about all the

146
00:08:53,559 --> 00:08:57,080
Speaker 1: little tiny things they do well, and we don't find

147
00:08:57,080 --> 00:09:02,760
Speaker 1: that balance. That balance comes by truly taking it for

148
00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:07,360
Speaker 1: what it is and observing whether we like that, whether

149
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:11,560
Speaker 1: it works for us. Number two, they never showed up

150
00:09:11,559 --> 00:09:15,240
Speaker 1: when it mattered. They weren't the one for you. And

151
00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:17,800
Speaker 1: that's okay because they never showed up when it mattered.

152
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:23,080
Speaker 1: Think about someone who whenever it was tough, whenever it's hard,

153
00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:26,120
Speaker 1: they weren't the first person you called. They weren't the

154
00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:28,319
Speaker 1: first band to be there. Actually, they found a way

155
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,880
Speaker 1: to duck out every time, and they had good reasons

156
00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:33,760
Speaker 1: for it. Now, that's not the kind of person you

157
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:35,520
Speaker 1: want to build a life with. That's not the kind

158
00:09:35,559 --> 00:09:39,839
Speaker 1: of person that you want to grow with. Because what

159
00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:47,880
Speaker 1: you practice before commitment is what you receive after commitment. Right,

160
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:50,320
Speaker 1: it doesn't really change people think the big wedding day,

161
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:54,800
Speaker 1: the marriage changes behavior. It doesn't always, it rarely does.

162
00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:59,600
Speaker 1: It continues as is, and if anything, it may even dissolve.

163
00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:02,679
Speaker 1: Now it's harder when you look back and you think, well,

164
00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:05,360
Speaker 1: they always showed up when it mattered. Maybe they helped

165
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:08,000
Speaker 1: you through a really tough time in your life. Maybe

166
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,880
Speaker 1: they helped you through a really difficult time, and you're

167
00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:12,360
Speaker 1: thinking they must be my person. They helped me through

168
00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:15,440
Speaker 1: that time. Well, maybe they were just with you to

169
00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:18,679
Speaker 1: help you through that time. Maybe they were just there

170
00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:22,120
Speaker 1: to guide you through that difficult time and that was

171
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,440
Speaker 1: their role in your life. And I know that made

172
00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:27,120
Speaker 1: you believe that they must want to be around forever,

173
00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:32,600
Speaker 1: that it must work out forever. But it's accepting that

174
00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:34,400
Speaker 1: they actually helped you in your time of need and

175
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:38,240
Speaker 1: that was beautiful. It's not a negative thing, it's not

176
00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:41,240
Speaker 1: a horrendous thing. But they were there for you when

177
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:44,280
Speaker 1: it mattered, and you can accept that, you can receive

178
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:50,319
Speaker 1: that and you can appreciate that as it is now.

179
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:54,520
Speaker 1: This third one is really interesting. They weren't the one

180
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,720
Speaker 1: for you, and that's okay because they told you they'd healed,

181
00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:02,280
Speaker 1: but you realize they hadn't a lot of the time.

182
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:05,800
Speaker 1: Maybe you got back with an X, maybe things took

183
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:08,120
Speaker 1: youure away, maybe you got back together. Maybe this is

184
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:11,079
Speaker 1: someone that presented them in a certain way and they said, hey,

185
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:14,880
Speaker 1: I've healed, I've grown, I'm a different person now, and

186
00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:17,160
Speaker 1: you thought, yes, this must be my person. They've been

187
00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:20,280
Speaker 1: through a transition, they've been through a transformation. Were made

188
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:23,319
Speaker 1: for each other it's going to work out, and they

189
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:26,600
Speaker 1: weren't the one for you because they hadn't healed, And

190
00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:29,920
Speaker 1: so you built up a picture of the version of

191
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:33,439
Speaker 1: themselves that they said was healed, and you imagined the

192
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:37,960
Speaker 1: life with that version. You imagined the life with that character,

193
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:40,760
Speaker 1: and that's sadly what it was. It was a character

194
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:43,960
Speaker 1: from a movie, but in reality they weren't there, So

195
00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:47,960
Speaker 1: they weren't the one for you. That character was, that

196
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:50,800
Speaker 1: image was again, and so you start to notice how

197
00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:54,400
Speaker 1: more often than not, the one that was for you

198
00:11:54,559 --> 00:11:57,560
Speaker 1: was an image you built, or an image they built

199
00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:01,080
Speaker 1: for you, and in reality they weren't the one for you.

200
00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:04,120
Speaker 1: So what do you do with that information? You remind

201
00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:07,319
Speaker 1: yourself that they weren't for you because it was a

202
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:10,680
Speaker 1: character they built, the version they told you they were.

203
00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:15,520
Speaker 1: You recognize that, you sit with that, as uncomfortable as

204
00:12:15,559 --> 00:12:18,560
Speaker 1: it is to recognize that the person you wanted to

205
00:12:18,559 --> 00:12:22,960
Speaker 1: be with didn't actually exist, and it frees you from

206
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:27,800
Speaker 1: that constant daughter analysis of they were the one I

207
00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:29,920
Speaker 1: know they were. They could have been that. They said it,

208
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,640
Speaker 1: they knew it. And this all comes back down to

209
00:12:32,679 --> 00:12:35,880
Speaker 1: a realization of how we spend so much time in

210
00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:43,520
Speaker 1: what if instead of what is number four? They weren't

211
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:46,280
Speaker 1: the one for you because they kept saying we can't

212
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:49,840
Speaker 1: do this, when actually what they meant is they couldn't

213
00:12:50,559 --> 00:12:52,320
Speaker 1: a lot of people will say, look, I don't think

214
00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:55,720
Speaker 1: this is good for us anymore. I don't think we're

215
00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:58,920
Speaker 1: right for each other. I don't think we're willing to

216
00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:01,440
Speaker 1: do what it takes. I don't think we have what

217
00:13:01,559 --> 00:13:05,600
Speaker 1: it takes to last. They're speaking on your behalf. If

218
00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:08,640
Speaker 1: you've ever had a partner who's spoken on your behalf,

219
00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:14,079
Speaker 1: or use the word we to summarize their feelings, use

220
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:18,480
Speaker 1: the word us to summarize their emotions, they weren't the

221
00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:21,760
Speaker 1: one for you, because what they're saying is I'm scared

222
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:26,920
Speaker 1: of acknowledging I don't have the courage to actually express

223
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,160
Speaker 1: how I feel. So I'm going to make it about

224
00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:32,959
Speaker 1: both of us. I don't have the guts to take

225
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:39,040
Speaker 1: accountability and responsibility for how I'm feeling, and therefore I'm

226
00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:41,840
Speaker 1: going to make it our feeling. And guess what, you'd

227
00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:44,440
Speaker 1: read that, and you'd even think at one point, yeah,

228
00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:46,520
Speaker 1: maybe I'm not cut out for this. You know what,

229
00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:49,920
Speaker 1: Maybe they're right, and maybe you even reflected it on

230
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:52,880
Speaker 1: yourself and thought, maybe I'm the problem, maybe I'm the

231
00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:56,400
Speaker 1: reason they feel this way, and we have to do

232
00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:59,959
Speaker 1: that reflection. It can be us. There is a middle,

233
00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:06,160
Speaker 1: there is a spot in between where we have to

234
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:08,560
Speaker 1: recognize that we have to take accountability, we have to

235
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:13,280
Speaker 1: recognize where we've contributed to this. But I think the

236
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:17,960
Speaker 1: mistake becomes when they're getting to choose our emotions about

237
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:21,320
Speaker 1: the relationships rather than us getting to share what they are.

238
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:24,920
Speaker 1: The reason why this one's really interesting is because their language,

239
00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:28,960
Speaker 1: when you reflect on it, will show you what frequency

240
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:32,240
Speaker 1: they work on. So if your frequency is, hey, we

241
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:35,520
Speaker 1: can solve this, Hey, we can do this. Hey, let's

242
00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:39,160
Speaker 1: take responsibility. Hey, let's figure it out. That's a high

243
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:42,000
Speaker 1: vibration frequency. If their frequency is we can't do this,

244
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:44,960
Speaker 1: it's never going to work out. That's a low frequency. Now,

245
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:47,080
Speaker 1: if your frequency is, hey, you need to change, you

246
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:50,239
Speaker 1: need to figure it out, that's also a low level frequency.

247
00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:55,400
Speaker 1: So in the Buggert Geeta, it talks about the four

248
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:59,160
Speaker 1: types of frequency. The fourth and lowest type of frequency

249
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:05,120
Speaker 1: is and insecurity, it's where we're either scared of commitment

250
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:09,200
Speaker 1: or we like to make the other person feel scared

251
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:14,600
Speaker 1: or we exercise manipulation and control. Better than that is

252
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:18,800
Speaker 1: the frequency of passion, where we may want something for

253
00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:21,280
Speaker 1: someone else. We may demand things again not good for

254
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:24,600
Speaker 1: the long term, but better than the first one. Above

255
00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:29,800
Speaker 1: that is the frequency of duty, responsibility, accountability. And above

256
00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:33,960
Speaker 1: that is the frequency of love and joy and connection.

257
00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:37,080
Speaker 1: And often what I find in this is that we

258
00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:40,560
Speaker 1: want to jump from the passionate love to the love love.

259
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:42,520
Speaker 1: We want to jump from. Here's who I want you

260
00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:44,400
Speaker 1: to be too? Can we just be madly in love?

261
00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:47,880
Speaker 1: And the most important step is the mode of goodness,

262
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:52,840
Speaker 1: the frequency of goodness, which is about responsibility and accountability.

263
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,880
Speaker 1: I find that actually those two are probably the most

264
00:15:56,360 --> 00:16:01,000
Speaker 1: under talked about values in a healthy relationship. Can each

265
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:04,800
Speaker 1: of us be accountable for our own emotions, our own

266
00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:10,480
Speaker 1: actions and feelings, and can we take responsibility for how

267
00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:14,000
Speaker 1: they affect the other person? Can we take responsibility for

268
00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:20,680
Speaker 1: re energizing, rejuvenating this relationship. Accountability and responsibility are things

269
00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:23,760
Speaker 1: that they didn't have, or you didn't have for them.

270
00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:26,160
Speaker 1: And that's the interesting thing about this idea that they

271
00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:27,840
Speaker 1: weren't for you, and by the way, you weren't for

272
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:30,680
Speaker 1: them either. We often think I'm the perfect person for them.

273
00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:33,560
Speaker 1: They're never going to find someone like me. Sure, they're

274
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:35,480
Speaker 1: never going to find someone like you, But you weren't

275
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:38,880
Speaker 1: the person for them either. Step number five. You were

276
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:42,640
Speaker 1: chasing them the whole time. You'd made up this store

277
00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:44,720
Speaker 1: in your head that they were better than you, that

278
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:47,320
Speaker 1: they were the catch, that they were the one that

279
00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:50,960
Speaker 1: all your friends and family would approve of, and throughout

280
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:53,480
Speaker 1: the time you were with them, and even before you

281
00:16:53,520 --> 00:16:56,040
Speaker 1: got them, you were chasing them. And even when you

282
00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:58,480
Speaker 1: were with them, you were chasing them. And often we

283
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:02,840
Speaker 1: chase someone before were with them. We chase someone when

284
00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:06,560
Speaker 1: we're with them, and then eventually we chase them away.

285
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:11,960
Speaker 1: We're running behind someone for so long that they don't

286
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:15,560
Speaker 1: know what else to do but run away. We're running

287
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:21,520
Speaker 1: after someone for so long that they continue to run away.

288
00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:27,040
Speaker 1: And the reason I'm raising that is because if you

289
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:30,800
Speaker 1: feel like you're constantly chasing someone, they're not for you.

290
00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:34,400
Speaker 1: And so often we feel like, yes, I got them, Yes,

291
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:37,040
Speaker 1: like I'm just making it perfect. Yeah they get it now, like,

292
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:39,639
Speaker 1: oh I feel a bit safer now, and it's like no,

293
00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:44,240
Speaker 1: your person will be peaceful, your person, you'll feel safe,

294
00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:47,000
Speaker 1: and they'll feel safe, You won't feel like you're constantly

295
00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:51,359
Speaker 1: chasing them only to chase them away. And I feel

296
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:54,360
Speaker 1: so many of us do that. We constantly feel, Oh,

297
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:56,720
Speaker 1: they're out in my league, or they're better than me,

298
00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:58,520
Speaker 1: or better do everything to hold on to them. If

299
00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:02,240
Speaker 1: you're feeling that way, they for you. They're not for you,

300
00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:06,480
Speaker 1: And that's okay because you've realized, well, I shouldn't be

301
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:10,960
Speaker 1: feeling anxious and nervous and on edge and in a

302
00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:15,600
Speaker 1: lower frequency of fear and insecurity if they're my person.

303
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:19,880
Speaker 1: Do I feel peaceful around them? Do I feel stable

304
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:22,919
Speaker 1: around them? Do I feel supported around them? Do I

305
00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:27,160
Speaker 1: like how I feel when I'm around them? If they're

306
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:31,040
Speaker 1: making us insecure, fearful, anxious, or if that's who we

307
00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:33,920
Speaker 1: are and we're not healing that, because often I find

308
00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:38,119
Speaker 1: that people take their anxious skew into a relationship and

309
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:41,840
Speaker 1: reflect it even on someone stable. But hey, if I

310
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:43,719
Speaker 1: was triggered that way and I wasn't working on it,

311
00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:45,880
Speaker 1: they weren't for me either. Because I've got to heal.

312
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:48,840
Speaker 1: We have to reflect on where we need to heal.

313
00:18:49,359 --> 00:18:51,040
Speaker 1: As much as we keep saying they're not for us,

314
00:18:51,119 --> 00:18:54,840
Speaker 1: we're not for them either, number six, They made you

315
00:18:54,960 --> 00:19:01,760
Speaker 1: feel that they were aloof. If people always seemed detached, aloof,

316
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:05,679
Speaker 1: not committed, not connected, they weren't for you. And that's okay,

317
00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:09,320
Speaker 1: because if someone's already detached, that detachment's only going to

318
00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:12,320
Speaker 1: get stronger. There's a couple more things I want to

319
00:19:12,359 --> 00:19:16,720
Speaker 1: share with you. You were more scared of being alone

320
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:21,840
Speaker 1: than you were excited about being with them. Be honest

321
00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:25,520
Speaker 1: with me for a second. How many of you were

322
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:29,000
Speaker 1: in a relationship because you were just scared of being

323
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:32,040
Speaker 1: on your own. You were scared of being lonely. You

324
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:35,520
Speaker 1: were scared of being single. And if that was the

325
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:39,239
Speaker 1: case and they left, they weren't for you, because if

326
00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:42,960
Speaker 1: they were for you, you'd be more excited about being

327
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:45,640
Speaker 1: with them. Then you are scared of being alone. Now

328
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:47,679
Speaker 1: we're all scared of being alone. We're all scared of

329
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:51,040
Speaker 1: being lonely. It's somewhat natural, and of course, in my

330
00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:53,399
Speaker 1: book Eight Rules of Love, I talk about how you

331
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:56,560
Speaker 1: can build that into solitude. But we all want to

332
00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:59,640
Speaker 1: be with someone, we want to be connected. That's okay.

333
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:03,320
Speaker 1: But what's not okay is that we're with them out

334
00:20:03,359 --> 00:20:06,000
Speaker 1: of that fear and insecurity. We're with them because of

335
00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:11,639
Speaker 1: that anxiety. We're with someone because of that overwhelming feeling

336
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:14,800
Speaker 1: we have of we'd be inadequate and lost without them.

337
00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:18,080
Speaker 1: So it's not an excitement, it's not a positive it's

338
00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:23,040
Speaker 1: a negative motivator, right, It's a negative drive that's keeping

339
00:20:23,119 --> 00:20:26,080
Speaker 1: us connected to this person, and that's not for us.

340
00:20:26,119 --> 00:20:28,480
Speaker 1: We don't want to be with someone because we don't

341
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,880
Speaker 1: want to be alone. We want to be with them

342
00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:33,560
Speaker 1: because we love being with them. We enjoy their company,

343
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:36,080
Speaker 1: we engage with them, they listen to us, they make

344
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:39,880
Speaker 1: us feel seen, heard and understood. It's a really really

345
00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:43,560
Speaker 1: important thing to think about. And often we keep saying, Oh,

346
00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:45,399
Speaker 1: I wish they were for me. They were for me,

347
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:49,600
Speaker 1: we were so good together, But the truth is we

348
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:53,600
Speaker 1: weren't because you were just with them because you don't

349
00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:56,200
Speaker 1: want to be alone. And that's a great thing to

350
00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:59,119
Speaker 1: reflect on and talk to yourself about. The eighth and

351
00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:02,520
Speaker 1: final step that I want and discuss with you is

352
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:05,800
Speaker 1: and a lot of people struggle with this one, is

353
00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:08,200
Speaker 1: that they want their partner to open up. They want

354
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:11,640
Speaker 1: their partner to engage in conversation, but the person could

355
00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:16,480
Speaker 1: never open up or prioritize meaningful conversations they couldn't prioritize

356
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:20,720
Speaker 1: the conversations that you knew were integral to the healthy

357
00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:25,280
Speaker 1: heart of the relationship, and they weren't for you. I

358
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:30,119
Speaker 1: think sometimes we don't know our priorities and preferences, and

359
00:21:30,119 --> 00:21:36,639
Speaker 1: when someone ticks our preferences, we make ourselves believe that

360
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:42,080
Speaker 1: they have our priorities, and we get our priorities mixed up.

361
00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:45,600
Speaker 1: And I would focus the other way around. Where can

362
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:50,760
Speaker 1: we focus on our priorities more? What are the things

363
00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:53,160
Speaker 1: that are important to you? And these are important things

364
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:56,959
Speaker 1: to reflect on when something ends, because when something ends,

365
00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:00,760
Speaker 1: we always get focused on the beginning. When something ends,

366
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:03,000
Speaker 1: we start focusing on how things were at the start.

367
00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:07,720
Speaker 1: We often even you know, maybe to protect ourselves, we

368
00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:09,919
Speaker 1: hide all the things that were bad for us and

369
00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:12,440
Speaker 1: the hope that things will work out once again. And

370
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:14,560
Speaker 1: I think it's so important in that moment to just say,

371
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:17,399
Speaker 1: you know what, I recognize that they weren't for me

372
00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:21,760
Speaker 1: because we weren't actually getting any of this right. And

373
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:23,880
Speaker 1: the reason I'm feeling this way is because I don't

374
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:25,120
Speaker 1: want to be alone. I don't want to be single,

375
00:22:25,119 --> 00:22:26,880
Speaker 1: I don't want to be lost, and I don't want

376
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:29,280
Speaker 1: to be confused. But guess what. I've said this, and

377
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:31,359
Speaker 1: I've said this before to so many people. I'll say

378
00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:34,919
Speaker 1: it again. It's better to be sad and single than

379
00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:37,199
Speaker 1: it is to be sad and with someone because the

380
00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:41,199
Speaker 1: pain of the baggage of the commitment, the pressure of

381
00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:45,479
Speaker 1: someone else's mind, the potential of thinking about family future,

382
00:22:45,560 --> 00:22:47,400
Speaker 1: all of that kind of stuff's creates so much. I've

383
00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:49,720
Speaker 1: had so many people say to me they had children

384
00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:52,480
Speaker 1: because they were trying to save a relationship, and it

385
00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:56,000
Speaker 1: only made it harder, and we make worse decisions that way.

386
00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:59,040
Speaker 1: I hope this episode helps you be honest with yourself.

387
00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:01,760
Speaker 1: I know that I've been direct, but I really want

388
00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:04,399
Speaker 1: you to reflect on these things, and I want to

389
00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:07,399
Speaker 1: thank you for listening so deeply, and please share this

390
00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:09,479
Speaker 1: with a friend who might need it. Past this along,

391
00:23:10,119 --> 00:23:12,760
Speaker 1: there's going to be someone in your life who's heartbroken,

392
00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:16,560
Speaker 1: and hopefully this real talk guides them to their true,

393
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:20,600
Speaker 1: authentic self and realize that they weren't the one for you.

394
00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:24,240
Speaker 1: And that's okay, because there is someone for you. And

395
00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:27,200
Speaker 1: that's not going to be someone who's fully prepped, fully packaged,

396
00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:29,320
Speaker 1: fully delivered. It's going to be the person you want

397
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:30,719
Speaker 1: to build with and they want to build with you.

398
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:32,800
Speaker 1: It's going to be the person that you're willing to

399
00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:35,000
Speaker 1: put in the work with and they're willing to put

400
00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:38,400
Speaker 1: in the work for you. Remember, I'm forever in your

401
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:41,679
Speaker 1: corner and I'm always rooting for you. Thanks for listening.

402
00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:45,560
Speaker 1: Hey everyone, If you love that conversation, go and check

403
00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:49,560
Speaker 1: out my episode with the world's leading therapist Lourie Gottlieb,

404
00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:53,199
Speaker 1: where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in

405
00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:57,959
Speaker 1: therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating.

406
00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:00,680
Speaker 1: If you're trying to figure out that space right now,

407
00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:03,840
Speaker 1: you won't want to miss this conversation. If it's a

408
00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:08,439
Speaker 1: romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue. It

409
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:12,080
Speaker 1: actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as you're

410
00:24:12,119 --> 00:24:14,160
Speaker 1: having the conversation. It's so lovely.