2
00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:06,080
Speaker 1: so much for being here. If you haven't subscribed already,

3
00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:09,520
Speaker 1: make sure you do so you never miss an episode.

4
00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:14,560
Speaker 1: Today is all about how to communicate so people actually listen.

5
00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:18,560
Speaker 1: How many of you feel unheard at work? How many

6
00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:21,200
Speaker 1: of you feel unheard at home? How many of you

7
00:00:21,239 --> 00:00:23,040
Speaker 1: feel like you can never get a word in when

8
00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:26,840
Speaker 1: you're around your friends, or you can't command authority in

9
00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:30,440
Speaker 1: a team meeting. If any of you have struggled with this,

10
00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:34,600
Speaker 1: this episode is for you. After listening to this, you'll

11
00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:37,360
Speaker 1: be able to better articulate how you feel. You'll be

12
00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:40,479
Speaker 1: able to actually make an impact when you speak, and

13
00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:44,919
Speaker 1: you'll know the tools to actually help people listen when

14
00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:47,920
Speaker 1: you decide to open your mouth. Let me start with

15
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:52,120
Speaker 1: something that might feel uncomfortable. Most of us think we're

16
00:00:52,159 --> 00:00:55,840
Speaker 1: good communicators. We think we're being clear, we think we're

17
00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:59,600
Speaker 1: being honest, we think we're being direct, But the research

18
00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:04,440
Speaker 1: says otherwise. A study from Harvard found that people overestimate

19
00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:09,760
Speaker 1: how clearly they communicate by more than forty percent. In

20
00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:14,600
Speaker 1: other words, we think we're obvious, but other people are confused, defensive,

21
00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:18,360
Speaker 1: or overwhelmed. Think about it. If we were all great

22
00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:22,960
Speaker 1: at communicating, we wouldn't have workplace friction. We wouldn't have

23
00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:26,080
Speaker 1: that argument at home. We wouldn't get triggered when someone

24
00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:30,840
Speaker 1: says anything. It's the reason why texts get misread, meetings

25
00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:35,880
Speaker 1: go in circles, arguments repeat themselves, and people leave conversations

26
00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:41,600
Speaker 1: feeling unheard. Because communication isn't about what you say, It's

27
00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:46,959
Speaker 1: about what lands. Communication isn't about what you meant, it's

28
00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:51,360
Speaker 1: about what they heard. Communication isn't about winning the argument.

29
00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:58,320
Speaker 1: It's about protecting the relationship. Communication isn't about intensity, It's

30
00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:01,680
Speaker 1: about clarity. And today I want to talk about how

31
00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:05,800
Speaker 1: to communicate effectively at work, home, and in life, not

32
00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:11,760
Speaker 1: with scripts, not with tricks, but with principles grounded in psychology, neuroscience,

33
00:02:11,919 --> 00:02:15,760
Speaker 1: and human behavior. If you stay with me, this episode

34
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:20,440
Speaker 1: will change how people respond to you, how often conflict escalates,

35
00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:24,320
Speaker 1: and how often you feel misunderstood. And I know what

36
00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:27,959
Speaker 1: you're thinking, Jay, I hate difficult conversations. I struggle to

37
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,639
Speaker 1: speak up for myself while you're in the right place.

38
00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:37,200
Speaker 1: Here's the shift that changes everything. Communication is not self expression.

39
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:45,680
Speaker 1: Communication is shared understanding. Most people communicate from intention. Effective

40
00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:51,239
Speaker 1: communicators communicate from impact. You might intend to be helpful,

41
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:55,160
Speaker 1: but it might land as critical. You might intend to

42
00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:58,680
Speaker 1: be honest, but it might land as harsh. You might

43
00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:02,519
Speaker 1: intend to be efficient, but in my land is dismissive.

44
00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:06,840
Speaker 1: And the gap between intention and impact is where most

45
00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:12,840
Speaker 1: communication breaks down. So let's close that gap. I'm sure

46
00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,399
Speaker 1: so many of you listening right now are thinking, Jay,

47
00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:17,280
Speaker 1: I always want people to feel better. I want to

48
00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:20,440
Speaker 1: make people feel good. I want to share things sensitively,

49
00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:24,160
Speaker 1: but it doesn't always get received that way. Well, let's

50
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:30,120
Speaker 1: start with principle number one. Regulate before you communicate. Here's

51
00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:34,960
Speaker 1: something most people don't know. You can't communicate well when

52
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:41,080
Speaker 1: your nervous system is disregulated. Neuroscience shows that when you're stressed, triggered,

53
00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:46,680
Speaker 1: or defensive, blood flow literally shifts away from the prefrontal cortex,

54
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:50,640
Speaker 1: the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, empathy, and language,

55
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:54,880
Speaker 1: and it moves toward the amygdala, the part responsible for

56
00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:59,760
Speaker 1: threat and survival. Which means this, when you're activated, you

57
00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:04,920
Speaker 1: don't communicate. You react. That's why emails sound colder than intended.

58
00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:08,880
Speaker 1: That's why arguments escalate so fast. That's why you say

59
00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:11,400
Speaker 1: things and immediately think h I shouldn't have said that.

60
00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:14,800
Speaker 1: Think about this for a moment. When someone says something

61
00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:19,240
Speaker 1: in a meeting and it triggers you, they stole your idea,

62
00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:24,480
Speaker 1: they cut you off, They presented something that you know

63
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:30,280
Speaker 1: wasn't accurate. They're getting credit. When all of these emotions

64
00:04:30,279 --> 00:04:33,080
Speaker 1: are running through your mind and you choose to speak,

65
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:37,599
Speaker 1: you're more likely to make yourself look worse than you

66
00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:40,320
Speaker 1: are to make yourself look better. If you don't choose

67
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:45,880
Speaker 1: to regulate and you react instead of respond effectively, you

68
00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:50,240
Speaker 1: actually create more issues for yourself long term and make

69
00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:52,720
Speaker 1: more people not want to listen to you than when

70
00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:57,560
Speaker 1: you're able to keep your calm. This isn't about emotional bypassing.

71
00:04:57,640 --> 00:04:59,360
Speaker 1: I'm not saying to not worry about it. I'm not

72
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,920
Speaker 1: saying not even to get involved. I'm saying that you

73
00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:05,040
Speaker 1: want to come from a position of strength, not from

74
00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:11,719
Speaker 1: a position of weakness. Effective communicators do something simple but powerful.

75
00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:16,479
Speaker 1: They pause, not to avoid the conversation, but to protect

76
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:21,360
Speaker 1: the outcome. At work, this looks like not replying immediately

77
00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:26,080
Speaker 1: to a triggering message, drafting the email, then revising it

78
00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:29,839
Speaker 1: at home. This looks like saying I need a minute

79
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:35,400
Speaker 1: instead of raising your voice. Remember this, the calmest person

80
00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:41,680
Speaker 1: in the conversation sets the emotional temperature. Regulation is not weakness,

81
00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:45,599
Speaker 1: it's leadership. We think if you're quiet or you pause,

82
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:50,120
Speaker 1: you sound weak. Actually, the most powerful speakers, whether on

83
00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:53,760
Speaker 1: a stage or in a meeting, use pause most effectively

84
00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:56,920
Speaker 1: to draw people in, to get people to lean in,

85
00:05:57,480 --> 00:06:02,440
Speaker 1: to get people to actually listen. It shows a sense

86
00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:05,840
Speaker 1: of self control when people talk at a slower pace,

87
00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:09,039
Speaker 1: when they have the ability to actually hold back on

88
00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:11,560
Speaker 1: that emotion because guess what everyone thought you were about

89
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:15,039
Speaker 1: to respond emotionally, and in that moment, If you're able

90
00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:18,760
Speaker 1: to pull back so that you can actually respond from

91
00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:23,320
Speaker 1: a place of feeling centered, it's incredible how much impact

92
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:29,360
Speaker 1: you can have. Principle two, Clarity beats intensity. Most people

93
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:34,640
Speaker 1: think being passionate makes them persuasive, research shows the opposite.

94
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:40,680
Speaker 1: Studies in organizational psychology show that clear, concise communication is

95
00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:45,880
Speaker 1: perceived as more competent and more trustworthy than emotional intensity.

96
00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:51,400
Speaker 1: Intensity feels powerful to the speaker, Clarity feels safe to

97
00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:56,320
Speaker 1: the listener. That's why long explanations often backfire. They feel

98
00:06:56,360 --> 00:07:01,600
Speaker 1: like pressure, they feel like justification, they feel like emotional flooding.

99
00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:06,760
Speaker 1: Effective communicators simplify instead of I just feel like this

100
00:07:06,839 --> 00:07:09,360
Speaker 1: keeps happening and I don't know if you realize how

101
00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:11,160
Speaker 1: much it affects me. And I've tried to bring it

102
00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:15,960
Speaker 1: up before. They say when this happens, I feel overlooked.

103
00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:21,120
Speaker 1: I need a heads up next time. Same truth, less noise.

104
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:24,640
Speaker 1: Think about that for a second. We think the more

105
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:27,040
Speaker 1: words we say, the more passionate we are, the more

106
00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:30,360
Speaker 1: likely someone's going to get an understanding of it. But

107
00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:33,200
Speaker 1: the reality is, if we just say, when you do this,

108
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:37,920
Speaker 1: I feel this, let me know next time, how would

109
00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:39,960
Speaker 1: you like me to respond next time, all of a

110
00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:44,840
Speaker 1: sudden we have very clear information signaled to the other person.

111
00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:48,120
Speaker 1: One of my favorite quotes from Albert Einstein says, if

112
00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:52,559
Speaker 1: you can't explain something simply, you don't understand it well enough.

113
00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:57,640
Speaker 1: Simple communication is not a sign of a lack of intelligence.

114
00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:03,600
Speaker 1: It's a sign of deep understanding. As a speaker, a leader,

115
00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:07,560
Speaker 1: a communicator, a manager, whatever you may be, if you're

116
00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:11,800
Speaker 1: able to be concise, simple, it will be so much

117
00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:19,520
Speaker 1: more powerful. Remember this, confusion creates resistance. Clarity creates cooperation.

118
00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:24,840
Speaker 1: If someone doesn't understand you, they can't support you. Good

119
00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:30,520
Speaker 1: communicators ask if they were understood. Bad communicators assume they

120
00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:37,080
Speaker 1: were good communicators. Aim for understanding. Bad communicators aim to

121
00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:43,160
Speaker 1: be right. Notice the difference Principal three. People don't argue

122
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:47,880
Speaker 1: with facts, They argue with threat Here's a powerful insight.

123
00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:53,800
Speaker 1: Most disagreements are not about facts. They're about identity and safety.

124
00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:59,440
Speaker 1: When people feel embarrassed, judged, or blamed, their brain stops listening.

125
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:04,160
Speaker 1: That again, when people feel embarrassed, judged, or blamed, their

126
00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:08,120
Speaker 1: brain stops listening. How many times have you stopped listening

127
00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:10,640
Speaker 1: when you felt that way? Now, think about all the

128
00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:14,959
Speaker 1: times you spoke that way and thought it would affect someone.

129
00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:19,000
Speaker 1: I know I've made that mistake. I constantly feel that

130
00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:21,520
Speaker 1: if someone really understands what they got wrong, or they

131
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:24,120
Speaker 1: were really made clear on the mistake they made, that

132
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:26,920
Speaker 1: that would make them listen more. But actually, we're not

133
00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:31,560
Speaker 1: listening to that because it's not factual. It feels like opinion,

134
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:36,439
Speaker 1: it feels personal, it feels like an attack. Researching conflict

135
00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:41,880
Speaker 1: psychology shows that once someone feels threatened, they prioritize self

136
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:47,040
Speaker 1: protection over understanding. This is actually mind blowing. You think

137
00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:49,880
Speaker 1: about all the interactions you have home or work When

138
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:55,000
Speaker 1: you make someone feel attacked, they're only thinking about protecting themselves.

139
00:09:55,320 --> 00:10:01,400
Speaker 1: Effective communicators lower threat. First, at work, here's what I'm seeing.

140
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:06,160
Speaker 1: Tell me if I'm missing something at home, this matters

141
00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:09,839
Speaker 1: to me, and I want to understand your side. These

142
00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:15,720
Speaker 1: phrases do one thing, They create safety. Remember this. People

143
00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:20,000
Speaker 1: don't need to feel corrected, they need to feel considered.

144
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:26,079
Speaker 1: Once safety is present. Truth can land before sharing feedback,

145
00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:31,240
Speaker 1: before saying something that's hard to hear, Before you're about

146
00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:36,559
Speaker 1: to have a difficult conversation, First set safety. Second, make

147
00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:39,880
Speaker 1: sure that anything you're saying is coming with the intention

148
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:43,960
Speaker 1: of safety, and choose your words that really align with

149
00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:46,960
Speaker 1: that energy. Because you want to have an impact. A

150
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:48,600
Speaker 1: lot of people say, well I should just be able

151
00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:51,280
Speaker 1: to say what I want and people should understand. Well,

152
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,800
Speaker 1: if that's what you want, then that isn't a relationship

153
00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:56,920
Speaker 1: based on care. It's not a relationship based on love.

154
00:10:57,000 --> 00:11:00,840
Speaker 1: It's not a relationship based on connection. It's a relationship

155
00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:03,040
Speaker 1: based on you wanting people to understand you, but not

156
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,679
Speaker 1: taking the moment to understand them. I think this can

157
00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:08,880
Speaker 1: all change for us. It can all change when we

158
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:15,360
Speaker 1: prioritize principle for questions change everything. One of the most

159
00:11:15,559 --> 00:11:22,560
Speaker 1: powerful communication tools is curiosity. Research from negotiation psychology shows

160
00:11:22,559 --> 00:11:28,920
Speaker 1: that asking open ended questions reduces defensiveness and increases cooperation.

161
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:36,000
Speaker 1: Statements trigger resistance. Questions invite collaboration. Instead of you're not listening,

162
00:11:36,679 --> 00:11:39,360
Speaker 1: ask can you tell me what you heard from what

163
00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:44,080
Speaker 1: I just said? Instead of this isn't working, ask what

164
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:47,760
Speaker 1: do you think would make this work? Better? Questions shift

165
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:52,959
Speaker 1: the dynamic from opposition to partnership. Here's a phrase that

166
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:59,640
Speaker 1: instantly de escalates tension. Help me understand that sentence creates

167
00:11:59,679 --> 00:12:03,640
Speaker 1: space where conflict used to be. There are so many

168
00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:06,839
Speaker 1: challenges with the growth of AI. There are so many

169
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:10,600
Speaker 1: risks that it presents. But one of the things that

170
00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:13,240
Speaker 1: I'm grateful it is done is that it has brought

171
00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:17,760
Speaker 1: humans back to asking better questions. We grew up at

172
00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:21,120
Speaker 1: a time when answers were everything. Now we know answers

173
00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:24,360
Speaker 1: are everywhere and all of a sudden, Questions and prompts

174
00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:27,720
Speaker 1: are the key to our intelligence. The better you are

175
00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:31,480
Speaker 1: asking questions, the better results you'll actually get from AI.

176
00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:34,559
Speaker 1: So that's a great way for us to test whether

177
00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:37,920
Speaker 1: we know how to ask good questions, whether our questioning

178
00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:43,320
Speaker 1: and curiosity ability is actually improving. That's the goal. If

179
00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:46,640
Speaker 1: you can do that, you will actually lead your team,

180
00:12:46,760 --> 00:13:12,240
Speaker 1: guide people, move people in a much stronger way. Principal five.

181
00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:16,440
Speaker 1: You might have heard this before, but pay attention. Tone

182
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:20,160
Speaker 1: carries more than words. Let's really talk about tone. Let's

183
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:24,080
Speaker 1: really look at it. Studies from UCLA and other communication

184
00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:29,240
Speaker 1: research show that in emotionally charred situations, tone and body

185
00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:33,440
Speaker 1: language carry more meaning than words alone. You can say

186
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:37,360
Speaker 1: the right thing in the wrong tone and still lose

187
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:43,199
Speaker 1: the moment. Effective communicators align tone with intention. If you

188
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:49,040
Speaker 1: want collaboration, soften your voice. If you want clarity, slow

189
00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:54,760
Speaker 1: your pace. If you want connection, lower your volume. Here's

190
00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:59,440
Speaker 1: the truth. How you say something determines whether it becomes

191
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:02,920
Speaker 1: a conversation or a conflict. Let me say that again.

192
00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:07,280
Speaker 1: How you say something determines whether it becomes a conversation

193
00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:12,840
Speaker 1: or a conflict. Tone is not cosmetic. It's communication. But

194
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:16,400
Speaker 1: we think, oh, if I care, someone should just get that. No,

195
00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:19,720
Speaker 1: they're getting your tone. You just think, well, if I'm enthusiastic,

196
00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:22,800
Speaker 1: someone should just get that. Know they're getting your tone.

197
00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:25,760
Speaker 1: You think, oh, yeah, of course someone knows I respect them,

198
00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:31,160
Speaker 1: Know they're getting your tone. In every moment, people are

199
00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:34,400
Speaker 1: listening to the sound of your tone and having an

200
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:38,160
Speaker 1: emotional reaction to it, far greater than they're listening to

201
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,880
Speaker 1: the words you say. It's how we process. We say

202
00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:43,760
Speaker 1: things like did you hear how she said that to me?

203
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:47,880
Speaker 1: Did you hear what that sounded like? Rarely does someone

204
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:50,920
Speaker 1: say did you hear the exact words they said? No?

205
00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:54,160
Speaker 1: Did you hear how they said that? Did you hear

206
00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:58,000
Speaker 1: how he he made me feel? No? It is how.

207
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:06,280
Speaker 1: It's all emotional is emotion. Communication is emotional. So many

208
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:10,360
Speaker 1: arguments could be avoided if we changed our tone. And

209
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:11,760
Speaker 1: I know what you're thinking, Joe, Why do I need

210
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:13,840
Speaker 1: to change my tone? Maybe something's been done wrong to me,

211
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:18,960
Speaker 1: maybe I've been hurt. That's totally fair, and your feelings

212
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,800
Speaker 1: are valid, your emotions are real. But what do you

213
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:25,640
Speaker 1: want from this conversation? What do you want from this connection?

214
00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:28,480
Speaker 1: Do you want impact? Do you want growth? Do you

215
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:31,320
Speaker 1: want a solution? Do you want movement? Or do you

216
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:34,000
Speaker 1: just want more chaos? Because if you want more chaos,

217
00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:36,280
Speaker 1: we'll just carry on as we are. But if we

218
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:39,120
Speaker 1: really want growth, if we really want to move forward,

219
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:41,080
Speaker 1: if we want our lives to go in the right direction.

220
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:45,960
Speaker 1: These skills are so valuable, but all of this won't

221
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:53,120
Speaker 1: work without principle six. Close the loop. Most conversations fail

222
00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:57,320
Speaker 1: at the ending. People walk away thinking, wait, what did

223
00:15:57,320 --> 00:16:00,600
Speaker 1: we decide? Are we on the same page? Did that

224
00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:06,600
Speaker 1: actually resolve anything. Effective communicators close the loop. They end

225
00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:11,360
Speaker 1: conversations with alignment. Here's what we're agreeing on, Here's what

226
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:16,640
Speaker 1: happens next, Here's what matters to me. Most workplace studies

227
00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:23,880
Speaker 1: show this reduces misunderstandings by over fifty percent. Alignment is clarity,

228
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:29,520
Speaker 1: and clarity is kindness. I want you to think about

229
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:32,920
Speaker 1: how you start a conversation and how you end a

230
00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:35,760
Speaker 1: conversation when you're about to have one. Most of the time,

231
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:38,400
Speaker 1: we just think about what we want to talk about, right,

232
00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:40,000
Speaker 1: we were, like, make a list of everything we need

233
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:43,000
Speaker 1: to talk about, But how do we want to introduce

234
00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:46,680
Speaker 1: the idea and how do we want to outro Think

235
00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:49,040
Speaker 1: about the start and the end of a movie. If

236
00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:50,280
Speaker 1: you just talk about, oh, I want this movie to

237
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:51,800
Speaker 1: have action, I wanted to have comedy, I wanted to

238
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:53,320
Speaker 1: have this. That's a list of things you want to

239
00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:56,120
Speaker 1: talk about. But if you didn't think about how the

240
00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:59,680
Speaker 1: first thirty seconds of the movie started with the story

241
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:04,480
Speaker 1: even land would someone even appreciate the characters arc? Would

242
00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:07,439
Speaker 1: you even be emotionally connected to the story? Probably not?

243
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,760
Speaker 1: And then we always watch the ending. You always work

244
00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:11,240
Speaker 1: How many times if you watched the movie and thought

245
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:14,159
Speaker 1: the ending could have been better? Why did they do

246
00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:17,120
Speaker 1: that at the end? What was the point? Wasted all

247
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:20,280
Speaker 1: my time and we didn't even get there. The biggest

248
00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:25,080
Speaker 1: communication skill is preparing the beginning and the end as

249
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:28,640
Speaker 1: much as you focus on the middle. Because the beginning

250
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:34,000
Speaker 1: invites someone in or irritates them away, and the end

251
00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:39,560
Speaker 1: creates momentum forward or keeps you stuck. So much is

252
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:44,040
Speaker 1: transformed from how a beginning and end of a conversation manifests.

253
00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:48,479
Speaker 1: Let me leave you with something simple, as I promised,

254
00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:51,520
Speaker 1: as I said, it's needed. If you want to communicate

255
00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:57,200
Speaker 1: more effectively everywhere in your life, remember this number one.

256
00:17:57,520 --> 00:18:03,040
Speaker 1: Regulate before you speak. If you regulate, you'll respond. If

257
00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:07,480
Speaker 1: you don't, you will react. So many of us react,

258
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:12,719
Speaker 1: only creating more friction, creating more tension, creating more conflict

259
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:16,200
Speaker 1: than we actually wanted to. We think that's the way

260
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:18,880
Speaker 1: to get our point across, but all that really ends

261
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:22,399
Speaker 1: up happening is weakening the ground that we stand on.

262
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:27,000
Speaker 1: Regulate before you speak, with a few breaths, with a pause,

263
00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:30,000
Speaker 1: maybe even a day to actually have the meetings so

264
00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:33,119
Speaker 1: you have time to prepare for it. It's not bad

265
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:37,120
Speaker 1: to take time to have a better conversation if something's

266
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:40,440
Speaker 1: going to affect your long term success, especially at work.

267
00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:48,720
Speaker 1: Number two, choose clarity over intensity. Simplify your argument to

268
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:51,760
Speaker 1: the easiest way that it can be communicated. Think about

269
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:53,920
Speaker 1: how I explain this to a five year old. Think

270
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:58,000
Speaker 1: about what language would I use if someone didn't understand

271
00:18:58,280 --> 00:18:59,920
Speaker 1: what I was trying to say. And, by the way,

272
00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:03,480
Speaker 1: that's not being condescending. This isn't about making someone feel

273
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:06,480
Speaker 1: like they're not smart or not intelligent. This is about

274
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,640
Speaker 1: making sure that you meet them where they are. Compassionate

275
00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:15,320
Speaker 1: communication meets people where they are. Over intellectual communication is

276
00:19:15,359 --> 00:19:18,240
Speaker 1: trying to get people to be impressed by you. Choose

277
00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:23,679
Speaker 1: clarity over intensity. Intensity will not win if there's too

278
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:27,640
Speaker 1: many words, too many signals, too many points. Number three,

279
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:33,040
Speaker 1: reduce the threat before delivering the truth. The truth does

280
00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:36,680
Speaker 1: not feel like the truth. It feels like a threat

281
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:40,240
Speaker 1: when it feels like an attack. So many times we

282
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:43,800
Speaker 1: think that the truth is enough to communicate, but we

283
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:48,000
Speaker 1: don't realize that we make someone feel defensive, embarrassed, ashamed,

284
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:52,119
Speaker 1: or judged, and now they feel threatened. So it doesn't

285
00:19:52,119 --> 00:19:55,800
Speaker 1: feel like the truth at all. It feels completely false

286
00:19:56,200 --> 00:20:00,720
Speaker 1: and completely personal. Don't over rely on the truth. The

287
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:05,320
Speaker 1: truth still has to be delivered with safety. Number four,

288
00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:10,440
Speaker 1: ask more questions than you make statements. You will learn

289
00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:12,800
Speaker 1: so much more about yourself. You will learn so much

290
00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:14,959
Speaker 1: more about the other person. You learn so much more

291
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:17,800
Speaker 1: about the situation. No, it's this I get either say

292
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:20,960
Speaker 1: to someone this isn't good enough, We're so behind, Or

293
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,719
Speaker 1: I could say, what do you think the goal is

294
00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:26,880
Speaker 1: of what we're trying to achieve? What do you think

295
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:30,199
Speaker 1: is really important on this project? How do you think

296
00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:33,920
Speaker 1: we're measuring success here? That person will say, oh, we're

297
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:37,000
Speaker 1: measuring success by this growth, this metric, this this, Now

298
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,439
Speaker 1: we get a moment to align, rather than if you

299
00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:43,439
Speaker 1: say it's just not working, it doesn't go anywhere. Five

300
00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:49,160
Speaker 1: Match your tone to your intention. People don't hear your intention,

301
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:57,000
Speaker 1: they hear your tone. They don't hear your drive or motivation.

302
00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:03,600
Speaker 1: They hear your tone. Intention does not supersede tone and

303
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:10,360
Speaker 1: number six. End with alignment, end with a conclusion, end

304
00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:14,399
Speaker 1: with direction. If you don't end something well, if you

305
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,679
Speaker 1: don't land something well, it doesn't matter how well it

306
00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:20,119
Speaker 1: took off. Or if you think about a flight, you

307
00:21:20,119 --> 00:21:22,600
Speaker 1: think about the takeoff and landing, even if there was

308
00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:25,399
Speaker 1: turbulence while you were on your journey. On your flight,

309
00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:29,320
Speaker 1: if you have a safe landing, you remember that you

310
00:21:29,359 --> 00:21:34,560
Speaker 1: can have a difficult conversation and have safe landing. Remember this.

311
00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:38,800
Speaker 1: The goal of communication isn't to win, it's to be

312
00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:43,919
Speaker 1: understood without losing the relationship. The better you communicate, the

313
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:48,760
Speaker 1: fewer explanations you need, the fewer conflicts repeat themselves, and

314
00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:52,359
Speaker 1: the more trust you build, because when people feel safe

315
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:55,880
Speaker 1: with you, they listen. I hope this helps you at

316
00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:58,639
Speaker 1: work at home. I hope you'll send this to a

317
00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:03,000
Speaker 1: friend who's struggling with a workplace conflict or a personal challenge.

318
00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:06,480
Speaker 1: And remember I'm forever rooting for you and I'm always

319
00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:09,520
Speaker 1: in your corner. Take care. Thank you so much for

320
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:13,200
Speaker 1: listening to this conversation. If you enjoyed it, you'll love

321
00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:17,080
Speaker 1: my chat with Adam Grant on why discomfort is the

322
00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:21,560
Speaker 1: key to growth and the strategies for unlocking your hidden potential.

323
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:24,040
Speaker 1: If you know you want to be more and achieve

324
00:22:24,119 --> 00:22:27,080
Speaker 1: more this year, go check it out right now. You

325
00:22:27,119 --> 00:22:29,679
Speaker 1: set a goal today, you achieve it in six months,

326
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:33,080
Speaker 1: and then by the time it happens, it's almost a relief.

327
00:22:33,119 --> 00:22:35,280
Speaker 1: There's no sense of meaning and purpose. You sort of

328
00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:37,359
Speaker 1: expected it, and you would have been disappointed if it

329
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:38,000
Speaker 1: didn't happen.