Feeling Unsupported, Misunderstood, or Doubted? You Are Not Alone! (THIS 7-Step Method Will Help Silence the Self Doubt And Build REAL Confidence)
Has anyone ever doubted something you were excited about?
Have you ever felt judged for trying something different?
Today, Jay opens up about one of the most painful yet common experiences: feeling unsupported, unseen, or misunderstood by the people closest to us. He unpacks the psychology behind why others often don’t believe in us, highlighting the “false consensus effect” and the tendency for others to anchor us to who we used to be. But Jay reminds us this isn’t a flaw in our vision, it’s a sign that we’re ahead of the curve.
Jay also dives deep into how true confidence is built—not before we begin, but because we begin. He shares why strangers may become your strongest supporters, how to use resistance as a tool for growth, and why failing in public can be a powerful connector. From the competence-confidence loop to the importance of staying grounded in purpose rather than revenge, Jay outlines seven transformational shifts that can help anyone move from self-doubt to self-trust.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to Keep Going When No One Believes in You
How to Stop Seeking Approval
How to Build Confidence Through Action
How to Handle Unsupportive Friends and Family
How to Prove Yourself Right Instead of Proving Others Wrong
No matter where you are in your journey, whether you’re just starting out, stuck in the middle, or feeling like giving up, remember this: you don’t need everyone to believe in you. You just need to believe in yourself enough to take the next step.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:50 #1: Stop Pitching, Start Proving
06:54 #2: Rejection is Often a Protection
11:59 #3: Use Doubt as a Focus Filter
16:33 #4: Strangers are More Likely to Support You
21:15 #5: Create Before You're Confident
25:20 #6: Make Failure Public Strategically
28:08 #7: Focus on Proving Yourself Right
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:06,800
Speaker 1: People don't want perfect, they want authentic. People don't want flawless,
2
00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:12,400
Speaker 1: they want vulnerable. People don't want polished, they want real.
3
00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:16,560
Speaker 1: People don't want the highlight reel, they want the human
4
00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:23,079
Speaker 1: behind it. People don't want performance, they want presents. People
5
00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:26,760
Speaker 1: don't want someone who has it all together, they want
6
00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:32,120
Speaker 1: someone who's willing to figure it out. Because perfection may impress,
7
00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:37,600
Speaker 1: but vulnerability connects. The number one health and wellness podcast
8
00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:45,879
Speaker 1: Jay Sety, Jay sheddyet Hey everyone, it's Jay Sheddy. Welcome
9
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:49,919
Speaker 1: back to On Purpose. Today's episode is all about what
10
00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:53,680
Speaker 1: to do when no one believes in you or supports you.
11
00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:57,720
Speaker 1: The sad truth is I hear this wherever I am
12
00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:00,440
Speaker 1: in the world, when I'm traveling, when i'm me people,
13
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:04,080
Speaker 1: when I'm connecting, one of the top things I hear is, Jay,
14
00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:06,600
Speaker 1: the people around me don't believe in me. The people
15
00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:09,560
Speaker 1: around me don't support me, the people around me don't
16
00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:13,880
Speaker 1: encourage me. Actually, I'm scared that if I launch my company,
17
00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:16,959
Speaker 1: if I start my podcast, if I write my book,
18
00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:20,520
Speaker 1: if I build my business, the people around me are
19
00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:23,760
Speaker 1: going to tear it down before I even have the
20
00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:26,679
Speaker 1: chance to build it up. And a lot of us
21
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:31,319
Speaker 1: are walking through life feeling alone. Maybe you've actually felt
22
00:01:31,319 --> 00:01:36,080
Speaker 1: disconnected from your community, maybe you've felt isolated. Will you think,
23
00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:38,520
Speaker 1: why does no one help me? Why does no one
24
00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:41,560
Speaker 1: believe in me? Why does no one support me? If
25
00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:45,240
Speaker 1: you've ever felt any of those things and you're struggling
26
00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:49,200
Speaker 1: with that self belief, that self doubt, this episode is
27
00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:52,840
Speaker 1: for you. Here's the first thing I'm going to say,
28
00:01:53,560 --> 00:02:00,240
Speaker 1: Stop seeking support, start creating proof. The science says we
29
00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:06,480
Speaker 1: experience a cognitive bias called the false consensus effect. We
30
00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:11,160
Speaker 1: overestimate how much people will understand or agree with us.
31
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:17,760
Speaker 1: Here's why that's counterintuitive. We think we need validation before
32
00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:22,040
Speaker 1: we act, but in reality, people often believe in you
33
00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:27,880
Speaker 1: after you prove the idea works, not before. Imagine this,
34
00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:32,160
Speaker 1: You're at a party. You say something you think is
35
00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:38,680
Speaker 1: obviously hilarious or smart or interesting. Crickets. No one laughs,
36
00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:45,359
Speaker 1: no one's impressed. You're confused. You thought everyone would get
37
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:49,080
Speaker 1: the joke because in your head it was obvious, it
38
00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:55,160
Speaker 1: made sense, it was normal that moment, that awkward silence.
39
00:02:56,000 --> 00:03:00,040
Speaker 1: That's the false consensus effect in action. The false this
40
00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:03,920
Speaker 1: consensus effect is a cognitive bias where we assume that
41
00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:08,120
Speaker 1: other people think the way we do because our opinions
42
00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:13,760
Speaker 1: feel obvious, logical, even universal to us. In other words,
43
00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:19,840
Speaker 1: if I believe this, most people probably do too. Spoiler,
44
00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:25,000
Speaker 1: they don't, and science proves it. The science says. This
45
00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:29,720
Speaker 1: term was coined by psychologists Lee Ross, David Green, and
46
00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:34,200
Speaker 1: Andrew House in the late nineteen seventies. In one famous study,
47
00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:38,160
Speaker 1: they gave people a tough moral choice, then ask them
48
00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:42,200
Speaker 1: to guess what others would choose. Every group believed their
49
00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:46,560
Speaker 1: choice was the majority option, but when the results came in,
50
00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:52,000
Speaker 1: the actual opinions were split. Nobody was as obviously right
51
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:55,520
Speaker 1: as they thought they were. Now, why does this matter?
52
00:03:56,400 --> 00:04:01,960
Speaker 1: This bias shows up everywhere, especially when you're building something new.
53
00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:07,400
Speaker 1: You assume your idea is clearly brilliant, but others don't
54
00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:11,600
Speaker 1: get it. You think people will obviously support you, but
55
00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:15,200
Speaker 1: they don't. You expect everyone to see what you see,
56
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:20,200
Speaker 1: but they're not. In your head. The problem isn't your idea,
57
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:25,120
Speaker 1: it's that you overestimated how obvious it would be to
58
00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:31,320
Speaker 1: someone who hasn't lived your experiences. Here's the takeaway. Just
59
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:35,720
Speaker 1: because it's clear to you doesn't mean it's clear to others,
60
00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:40,240
Speaker 1: and that's not a flaw. It's a reminder you're early,
61
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:45,560
Speaker 1: you're unique, You're supposed to be misunderstood at first. Instead
62
00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:52,560
Speaker 1: of expecting everyone to agree, get curious, ask more, listen better,
63
00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:57,720
Speaker 1: explain smarter, and when people don't get it, don't panic.
64
00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:02,760
Speaker 1: That's not a red flag. That's the beginning of something original.
65
00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:08,120
Speaker 1: Try this today. Make something small and tangible that shows
66
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:13,120
Speaker 1: your idea works. A sample, a deck, a demo, a pilot,
67
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:19,200
Speaker 1: a mock up. Stop pitching, start proving. Don't try to
68
00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:24,520
Speaker 1: convince people. Show them what they didn't expect to see.
69
00:05:24,839 --> 00:05:29,440
Speaker 1: Don't try to impress people. Show yourself you can do it.
70
00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:34,480
Speaker 1: Don't explain your vision to people. Committed to small thinking,
71
00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:40,120
Speaker 1: protect your energy and prove it through action. Don't beg
72
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:45,400
Speaker 1: to be understood. Stay focused long enough to become undeniable.
73
00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:50,240
Speaker 1: Don't wait to be believed in. Become the reason they
74
00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:56,359
Speaker 1: rethink what's possible. We have to start, We have to begin,
75
00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:01,279
Speaker 1: We have to get going. People won't believe in you
76
00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:05,320
Speaker 1: before you start. They might not even believe in you
77
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:09,640
Speaker 1: after you start. They might not even believe in you
78
00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:15,960
Speaker 1: when you win and succeed. Just start, just get going,
79
00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:21,400
Speaker 1: just move. If you wait for people to believe in
80
00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:26,880
Speaker 1: you before you start. You could wait forever. If you
81
00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:32,680
Speaker 1: wish people supported you before you start, you'll be wishing forever.
82
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:37,279
Speaker 1: And if you want someone to think you're going to
83
00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:42,719
Speaker 1: do something incredible before you start, you'll be wanting forever.
84
00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:48,440
Speaker 1: Don't wish, want and wait your way into never moving.
85
00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:52,760
Speaker 1: Make that change, make that shift, and notice how your
86
00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:56,880
Speaker 1: life changes. The second thing you have to understand is
87
00:06:56,960 --> 00:07:04,240
Speaker 1: rejection is usually protection. Studies on psychological projection show that
88
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:10,360
Speaker 1: people often reject others' ideas because of their own fears, insecurities,
89
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:16,080
Speaker 1: or limitations. This is surprising because their no may have
90
00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:21,720
Speaker 1: nothing to do with your idea, your potential, and everything
91
00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:26,160
Speaker 1: to do with their past and their issues. The reason
92
00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:30,640
Speaker 1: someone says no to you is more likely that someone
93
00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:35,560
Speaker 1: said no to them. The reason someone rejects your idea
94
00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:43,520
Speaker 1: is because they rejected their own. The reason someone doesn't
95
00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:46,960
Speaker 1: think you're going to make it is because they didn't
96
00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:52,240
Speaker 1: have someone who believed in them. Their projection is not
97
00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:58,600
Speaker 1: a prediction of your potential. It is simply a mirror
98
00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:05,680
Speaker 1: of their past. Don't let someone's projection become a prediction
99
00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:11,120
Speaker 1: for your future. You don't have to do that and recognize.
100
00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:14,080
Speaker 1: Maybe they wanted to quit their job at one point
101
00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:17,840
Speaker 1: and they couldn't. Maybe they wanted to start an app
102
00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:21,680
Speaker 1: at one point and they didn't. Maybe they had an
103
00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:25,440
Speaker 1: idea and someone told them not to do it. They're
104
00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:31,120
Speaker 1: simply reflecting what was projected onto them onto you. We
105
00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:35,920
Speaker 1: don't have to reflect it back. Try this today. Next
106
00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:42,360
Speaker 1: time someone doubts you, don't internalize it, ask yourself, is
107
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:47,840
Speaker 1: this about me? Or about what they've told themselves. People
108
00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:53,320
Speaker 1: will project their limits onto your vision. Don't let people
109
00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:59,160
Speaker 1: break your dreams when they haven't even built theirs. Don't
110
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:02,839
Speaker 1: let people who have haven't done it create doubts for you.
111
00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:08,880
Speaker 1: Don't take feedback from someone living a life you don't want.
112
00:09:09,559 --> 00:09:16,000
Speaker 1: Don't confuse loud opinions with lived experience. Don't take direction
113
00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:22,120
Speaker 1: from someone who's never moved. They're not wrong or bad,
114
00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:27,040
Speaker 1: they're just trying to protect you. But don't project that
115
00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:31,320
Speaker 1: fear onto yourself. A lot of the times when I've
116
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:35,160
Speaker 1: shared risks I wanted to take and had family members
117
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,280
Speaker 1: or friends tell me that it wasn't going to happen,
118
00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:40,240
Speaker 1: I realized they just wanted me to be safe. I
119
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,760
Speaker 1: remember when I wanted to quit my career and potentially
120
00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:46,480
Speaker 1: pursue some postgraduate study. And everyone around me said, Jay, well,
121
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:47,960
Speaker 1: how will you pay your bills, how will you pay
122
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:50,560
Speaker 1: for your wedding? How will you take care of your future?
123
00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:54,480
Speaker 1: Those were not signs that I shouldn't do it. Those
124
00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:59,520
Speaker 1: were just reminders that they valued those things. They were
125
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:04,720
Speaker 1: showing they valued security, they valued safety, and they valued stability.
126
00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:09,360
Speaker 1: And those are not bad values. People are not being mean,
127
00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:14,439
Speaker 1: they're simply sharing what they care about, and it's your
128
00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:17,400
Speaker 1: job to decide whether you care about those things or
129
00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:21,880
Speaker 1: whether you don't. Sarah Blakeley, the founder of Spanks, didn't
130
00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:24,880
Speaker 1: tell her family about what she was building because she
131
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:28,199
Speaker 1: didn't want to hear that opinion. And that's something I'd
132
00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:30,760
Speaker 1: encourage you to do as well. Too many of us
133
00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:35,240
Speaker 1: share our ideas with too many people. We want everyone
134
00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:38,040
Speaker 1: to get around us. We want the validation and the approval.
135
00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:40,760
Speaker 1: And what does that do? It does two things. The
136
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:45,400
Speaker 1: first is it opens you up to lots of feedback
137
00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:49,880
Speaker 1: from people who don't understand that industry, understand that business,
138
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:55,040
Speaker 1: or understand that area. You've opened yourself up to everyone's
139
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:59,079
Speaker 1: emotional baggage. That was your choice. And the second thing
140
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:02,720
Speaker 1: is whether they support you or not. You've taken energy
141
00:11:02,920 --> 00:11:06,559
Speaker 1: away from the decision. I learned something really important when
142
00:11:06,559 --> 00:11:10,319
Speaker 1: I was in the monastery that if you share something
143
00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:13,520
Speaker 1: before it's happened with someone who can't help you do it,
144
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:17,400
Speaker 1: you've taken away fifty percent of the energy from that
145
00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:21,560
Speaker 1: idea because you have searched for validation and approval before
146
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:25,400
Speaker 1: you've even put in the work. Put in the work first.
147
00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:30,160
Speaker 1: Don't look for approval before you've put in the work.
148
00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:34,760
Speaker 1: Don't look for validation even after you've put in the work,
149
00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:40,240
Speaker 1: because chances are you won't get it both times. Get
150
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:43,800
Speaker 1: it from yourself. Do the work to prove what you're
151
00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:48,280
Speaker 1: capable of. Take on the challenge to show what's possible
152
00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:54,360
Speaker 1: for you. Number three, Use doubt as a focus filter.
153
00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:59,480
Speaker 1: According to the challenge stress model, a certain amount of
154
00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:05,319
Speaker 1: pressure and resistance can increase focus and drive. See this
155
00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:09,800
Speaker 1: is why it's counterintuitive. We think support makes us stronger,
156
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:15,200
Speaker 1: but actually resistance can make us sharper. Use the no
157
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:19,640
Speaker 1: as a tool to clarify the yes. Try this today.
158
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:24,800
Speaker 1: List every reason people said your idea won't work and
159
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:31,120
Speaker 1: build solutions around them. Turn every criticism into a checklist.
160
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:37,680
Speaker 1: Doubt doesn't mean stop. It means refined. Doubt doesn't mean
161
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:43,160
Speaker 1: give up. It means redefine. Doubt doesn't mean this is
162
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:49,200
Speaker 1: the end. It means start again. Support doesn't always make
163
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:57,960
Speaker 1: you stronger. Sometimes resistance does. Support doesn't always make it easier.
164
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:07,240
Speaker 1: Resistance makes it sharper. Support feels good. Resistance shows you
165
00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:12,920
Speaker 1: what you're made of. Support cheers you on. Resistance dares
166
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:18,600
Speaker 1: you to keep going without applause. Support says I believe
167
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:25,240
Speaker 1: in you. Resistance says prove it to yourself. Support can
168
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:32,120
Speaker 1: carry you, but resistance it builds your muscle. Don't resent
169
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:37,840
Speaker 1: the resistance, use it. Let it shape your focus, sharpen
170
00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:41,640
Speaker 1: your edge, and remind you if you can do it
171
00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:46,320
Speaker 1: without the noise, you're ready for the stage. When we're waiting,
172
00:13:46,679 --> 00:13:48,600
Speaker 1: and I see this happen to so many people when
173
00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:52,040
Speaker 1: I travel and speak to them, we're waiting for the stage.
174
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:55,440
Speaker 1: We're waiting for the invite in order to be our
175
00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:59,280
Speaker 1: best self, not realizing that when we become our best self,
176
00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:02,680
Speaker 1: we get invited onto the stage. By the way I
177
00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:05,080
Speaker 1: remember this, I did the same thing to myself for years.
178
00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:08,600
Speaker 1: I used to think, yes, when I get the opportunity
179
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,840
Speaker 1: and then I realized, just take every opportunity. I remember
180
00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:14,760
Speaker 1: speaking in rooms not much bigger than the one I'm
181
00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:21,160
Speaker 1: in right now, speaking to empty rooms, no one there,
182
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:24,640
Speaker 1: just four walls, and I would practice my speech as
183
00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:28,760
Speaker 1: if it was full of one hundred people. And now
184
00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:31,600
Speaker 1: when I have the fortune of being live at the
185
00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:36,840
Speaker 1: Greek Theater with five thousand people, doing an event recently
186
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,920
Speaker 1: at the theater at MSG with five thousand of view
187
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:43,920
Speaker 1: as well, I often think back to that moment when
188
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:46,360
Speaker 1: there were zero to five people in a room, and
189
00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:50,880
Speaker 1: the reason is because my enthusiasm and energy was pretty
190
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:54,040
Speaker 1: much the same. What I mean by that is, if
191
00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:57,960
Speaker 1: you're sad that only ten people watched your video, switch
192
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:01,840
Speaker 1: it to ten people watched my video. If you're sad
193
00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:04,600
Speaker 1: that you've got one hundred views, think about that for
194
00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:07,480
Speaker 1: a second. When have you ever had one hundred people
195
00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:10,680
Speaker 1: turn up to hear you speak. If you're not happy
196
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:13,920
Speaker 1: that you only have ten thousand followers, ask yourself, have
197
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,920
Speaker 1: you ever even seen ten thousand people in one place
198
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:20,359
Speaker 1: show up for you. It's when we become grateful, thoughtful,
199
00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:24,640
Speaker 1: and focused on the growth that we've already made that
200
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:29,120
Speaker 1: we gain more energy for the next phase. When you're
201
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:35,320
Speaker 1: climbing a mountain, there's two important viewpoints. One is looking
202
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:39,480
Speaker 1: up and ahead, and the other is looking down and behind.
203
00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:43,440
Speaker 1: You look down to see how far you've come, and
204
00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:46,400
Speaker 1: you look up to see how far you have left
205
00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:50,680
Speaker 1: to go. Both of those viewpoints are important. When you
206
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:54,320
Speaker 1: look down as to how far you've come, you get
207
00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:58,280
Speaker 1: energy to move forward, and when you look at how
208
00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:01,320
Speaker 1: far you have left to go, you feel grounded and
209
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:06,440
Speaker 1: humbled by the challenge. If you only look up, you'll
210
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:11,600
Speaker 1: feel discouraged, and if you only look down, you'll feel arrogant.
211
00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:16,440
Speaker 1: Ego and discouragement are two sides of the same coin.
212
00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:20,480
Speaker 1: They'll keep you trapped in stuck and not help you
213
00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:26,760
Speaker 1: move forward. What we actually want is humility and proof.
214
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:32,920
Speaker 1: Humility and proof become the best allies for a lifelong journey.
215
00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:36,680
Speaker 1: This next part is so important, but first I just
216
00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:41,480
Speaker 1: want to take a second to thank our sponsors. Thanks
217
00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:44,920
Speaker 1: for sticking with me. Let's get into it. Number four.
218
00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:52,280
Speaker 1: Build a belief battery from strangers. The Ben Franklin effect
219
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:57,000
Speaker 1: shows that when we engage with others in small, reciprocal ways,
220
00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:03,880
Speaker 1: trust builds faster, even among strangers. It's really surprising your
221
00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:08,640
Speaker 1: biggest supporters might not be friends and family. In fact,
222
00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:13,280
Speaker 1: research shows strangers are often more likely to champion new
223
00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:17,639
Speaker 1: ideas because they're not attached to your past. This is
224
00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:22,879
Speaker 1: Adam Grant's research. Imagine this. You post your new business idea, podcast,
225
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:27,679
Speaker 1: or personal project online. You're nervous, vulnerable, hoping your friends
226
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:33,320
Speaker 1: and family will hype it up. Instead silence, no comment
227
00:17:33,359 --> 00:17:37,359
Speaker 1: from your cousin, no reshare from your closest friend, not
228
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:41,680
Speaker 1: even a fire emoji from your roommate. Then someone you've
229
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:46,080
Speaker 1: never met dms you this is exactly what I needed.
230
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:51,399
Speaker 1: Keep going. Why does that happen? Because here's the truth.
231
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:56,359
Speaker 1: The people closest to you aren't always the ones most
232
00:17:56,520 --> 00:18:02,400
Speaker 1: likely to support your growth. People closest to you are
233
00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:06,520
Speaker 1: not the most likely to believe in you. The people
234
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:10,480
Speaker 1: closest to you are not the first to cheer for you.
235
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:15,199
Speaker 1: Because it's the strangers, the others that you didn't know,
236
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:21,040
Speaker 1: that actually are coming from a place of neutrality to
237
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:25,680
Speaker 1: remind you that what you're doing matters. According to organizational
238
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:30,520
Speaker 1: psychologist Adam Grant, strangers are more likely to support new
239
00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:35,199
Speaker 1: ideas than friends or family because they're not emotionally tied
240
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:39,359
Speaker 1: to your past. Here's the psychology behind it. You're inner
241
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:44,520
Speaker 1: circle knows you're before. They've seen your doubts, your failed attempts,
242
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:49,600
Speaker 1: your unfinished drafts. So when you evolve, they subconsciously compare
243
00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:54,080
Speaker 1: it to who you used to be. It's called identity anchoring.
244
00:18:54,680 --> 00:19:00,200
Speaker 1: They unconsciously anchor you to the version they're most familiar with. Oh,
245
00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:04,680
Speaker 1: that's just Sarah. She always starts things but never follows through.
246
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:08,200
Speaker 1: Or they look at you and say that's not like you,
247
00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:13,160
Speaker 1: or since when are you a podcaster. They don't mean
248
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:16,800
Speaker 1: to limit you, but their memory of your past gets
249
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:20,920
Speaker 1: in the way of their belief in your future. Their
250
00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:25,360
Speaker 1: memory of your past gets in the way of their
251
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:29,920
Speaker 1: belief in your future. But you don't have to let
252
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:34,040
Speaker 1: that stop you. There's an amazing scene in the movie
253
00:19:34,119 --> 00:19:37,320
Speaker 1: The Founder. If you've not seen it, it's the story
254
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:41,480
Speaker 1: of Ray Kroc and how he built McDonald's into the
255
00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:44,119
Speaker 1: powerhouse that it is today. Now, whatever your thoughts are
256
00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:47,480
Speaker 1: on McDonald's, it's an interesting story. He's sitting at a
257
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:51,879
Speaker 1: table at a members club sharing his new business idea
258
00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:56,040
Speaker 1: that is the franchise model for McDonald's, and all of
259
00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:59,680
Speaker 1: his friends have seen him get excited and enthusiastic about
260
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:03,560
Speaker 1: so many any businesses and failed and they list them off.
261
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:08,359
Speaker 1: Ray knows this is different, He feels it's different, but
262
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:11,600
Speaker 1: he can't convince them. He has to show it, He
263
00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:13,880
Speaker 1: has to prove it. He has to go and do
264
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:18,800
Speaker 1: it for them to come around. Meanwhile, strangers, they're re
265
00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:22,520
Speaker 1: meeting your present. They don't know how many times you've hesitated.
266
00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:26,040
Speaker 1: They don't care about your high school GPA, your failed blog,
267
00:20:26,119 --> 00:20:29,680
Speaker 1: or your awkward first try. They see your work, your message,
268
00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:33,080
Speaker 1: your energy as it is, not as it was, and
269
00:20:33,119 --> 00:20:36,440
Speaker 1: that gives them the clarity to say this deserves a shot.
270
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:41,280
Speaker 1: So here's the takeaway. Don't be discouraged when support doesn't
271
00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:45,119
Speaker 1: come from the people you expected. Be proud you showed
272
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:49,160
Speaker 1: up anyway, and remember your audience might not come from
273
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:53,560
Speaker 1: your past. It's waiting in your future. So keep building.
274
00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:58,520
Speaker 1: Let strangers become supporters, let your results, rewrite your story,
275
00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:02,080
Speaker 1: and let the people who used to know you catch up.
276
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:05,639
Speaker 1: Because often the people who will believe in your next
277
00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:10,359
Speaker 1: chapter haven't met you yet. So try this today. Find
278
00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:14,800
Speaker 1: three people online doing what you want to do, comment,
279
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:20,640
Speaker 1: share message, start building belief outside your circle. If your
280
00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:24,960
Speaker 1: people don't see it yet. Find the ones who already
281
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:29,720
Speaker 1: live it. Step number five, create before you're confident. This
282
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:35,240
Speaker 1: is the most important step. You don't become confident before
283
00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:39,959
Speaker 1: you start. You don't become confident before you try. You
284
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:44,320
Speaker 1: don't become confident before you fail. You don't become confident
285
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:48,520
Speaker 1: before you do the thing. The science shows this too,
286
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:54,480
Speaker 1: It's called the competence confidence loop. The competence confidence loop
287
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:59,080
Speaker 1: shows that action builds belief, not the other way around.
288
00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:04,560
Speaker 1: Wait to feel ready. But confidence is a result of experience,
289
00:22:05,119 --> 00:22:10,720
Speaker 1: not a requirement to begin. Choose one microaction that represents
290
00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:14,560
Speaker 1: your idea, launch the first draft, post the first video,
291
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:22,119
Speaker 1: off of the first service. Confidence doesn't come first, commitment does. Now,
292
00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:25,359
Speaker 1: here's the confidence myth no one talks about. We've been
293
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:29,800
Speaker 1: sold this idea. Once I feel confident, then I'll start.
294
00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:35,320
Speaker 1: But here's what psychology proves that mindset is backwards. According
295
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:39,560
Speaker 1: to Albert Bandura, Stanford psychologist and the father of self
296
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:45,760
Speaker 1: efficacy theory, confidence doesn't come before action, it comes because
297
00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:49,000
Speaker 1: of it. Now, what does it mean? When you take action,
298
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:53,879
Speaker 1: especially on something new, you build competence, a sense of
299
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:58,880
Speaker 1: I can do this. That competence creates evidence, and your
300
00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:02,880
Speaker 1: brain uses that evidence to build confidence. So every time
301
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:08,000
Speaker 1: you start imperfectly, awkwardly, messily, you're not just doing the thing,
302
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:12,359
Speaker 1: you're training your belief that you can. We wait for
303
00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:16,440
Speaker 1: confidence like it's a permission slip. But confidence is more
304
00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:20,240
Speaker 1: like a side effect of showing up. People think public
305
00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:24,159
Speaker 1: speakers are born confident. Nope, most of them were just
306
00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:28,160
Speaker 1: the first ones willing to bomb and come back. They
307
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:33,880
Speaker 1: earned it through reps, not readiness. Bandura's research shows that
308
00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:38,320
Speaker 1: self efficacy, your belief in your ability to succeed, increases
309
00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:43,440
Speaker 1: when you have small wins. These are known as mastery experiences.
310
00:23:44,359 --> 00:23:49,720
Speaker 1: It also increases when you see others succeed vicarious experiences.
311
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:53,040
Speaker 1: We think seeing others succeed means we have less chance
312
00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:57,520
Speaker 1: of succeeding. Actually it's the opposite. When you see others succeed,
313
00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:01,120
Speaker 1: it gives you more opportunity to succeed because you realize
314
00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:04,399
Speaker 1: it's available. I've had so many of my friends start
315
00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:09,399
Speaker 1: social media channels, podcasts, YouTube channels, and it's incredible to
316
00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:13,360
Speaker 1: what's their rise. It's incredible to see them give their
317
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:16,639
Speaker 1: gift to the world and what I'm encouraging my community
318
00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:18,880
Speaker 1: and the people around me. To do is say hey
319
00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:22,719
Speaker 1: when you see people celebrate that success. And then, of
320
00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:28,720
Speaker 1: course verbal encouragement social persuasion helps as well. This reduces
321
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:34,840
Speaker 1: fear and anxiety through exposure. Confidence doesn't require perfection, it
322
00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:39,720
Speaker 1: requires evidence. Try this today. Instead of asking do I
323
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:44,480
Speaker 1: feel confident enough to start? Ask what's one small action
324
00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:47,880
Speaker 1: I can take to build proof that I can do this?
325
00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:53,520
Speaker 1: Send the email, record the first minute, write the first sentence,
326
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:59,920
Speaker 1: show up even if you're shaking. Remember, affirmations don't build confidence.
327
00:25:01,359 --> 00:25:06,840
Speaker 1: Likes and views don't build confidence. Being told you're great
328
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:14,959
Speaker 1: doesn't build confidence. Watching motivational videos doesn't build confidence. There
329
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:22,520
Speaker 1: are only three things that build confidence. Choosing discomfort builds confidence.
330
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:30,879
Speaker 1: Keeping promises to yourself builds confidence, and building competence builds confidence.
331
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:38,200
Speaker 1: Step number six, make failure public Strategically. The science shows
332
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:43,800
Speaker 1: that imagining failure before it happens actually increases your odds
333
00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:49,840
Speaker 1: of success. Also, vulnerability builds trust. People support you when
334
00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:53,920
Speaker 1: they see the risk you're taking. Instead of hiding your
335
00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:58,600
Speaker 1: risk or hiding your fear of failure, name it, own it,
336
00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:02,280
Speaker 1: and invite people into the ride. Here's what I want
337
00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:06,480
Speaker 1: you to say. Here's what I'm building, here's what might
338
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:11,280
Speaker 1: not work. I'm doing it anyway. That honesty earns respect
339
00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:16,119
Speaker 1: even if people still don't fully get the vision. I
340
00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:20,520
Speaker 1: remember when I started my journey, I posted on Facebook saying, hey,
341
00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:23,320
Speaker 1: I'm trying this experiment. I'd love for you to join
342
00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:25,520
Speaker 1: the journey. If you want to be a part of it,
343
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:28,439
Speaker 1: great if you don't, I totally understand. And all of
344
00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:31,280
Speaker 1: a sudden, it let people know that I was launching
345
00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:34,960
Speaker 1: without launching. When you kind of drum up this build
346
00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:37,480
Speaker 1: up to this big launch, it almost feels like too
347
00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:40,520
Speaker 1: much pressure, and now everyone's expecting it to be perfect.
348
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:43,080
Speaker 1: When actually, when you soft launch and go, hey, i'm
349
00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:44,840
Speaker 1: trying something, I'm giving it a go. I hope it
350
00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:49,120
Speaker 1: does well, you get far more energy. You don't win
351
00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:54,640
Speaker 1: support by hiding risk, you earn it by owning it.
352
00:26:55,680 --> 00:27:02,480
Speaker 1: Because people don't want perfect, they want authentic. People don't
353
00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:08,440
Speaker 1: want flawless, they want vulnerable. People don't want polished, they
354
00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:12,800
Speaker 1: want real. People don't want the highlight reel, they want
355
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:18,719
Speaker 1: the human behind it. People don't want performance, they want presents.
356
00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:23,360
Speaker 1: People don't want someone who has it all together, they
357
00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:27,560
Speaker 1: want someone who's willing to figure it out because perfection
358
00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:33,040
Speaker 1: may impress, but vulnerability connects. It's one of the reasons
359
00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:37,760
Speaker 1: since my first videos, why I left me scuffing words,
360
00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:41,919
Speaker 1: why I may not perfect every delivery point, why you
361
00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:45,480
Speaker 1: may see me thinking sometimes in interviews and podcasts, it's
362
00:27:45,480 --> 00:27:48,680
Speaker 1: because it was real. It actually happened, And it's why
363
00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:51,520
Speaker 1: I do a lot of things without a lot of editing,
364
00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:53,640
Speaker 1: because I just want you to see my thought process.
365
00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:56,679
Speaker 1: I want you to hear it as I'm discovering an idea,
366
00:27:56,760 --> 00:28:01,480
Speaker 1: because that's when it's powerful. It's that inception, moment of discovery,
367
00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:05,880
Speaker 1: of clarity, of connecting that resonates because it's real. It's
368
00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:08,800
Speaker 1: heart to heart, it's human to human. So don't feel
369
00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:12,720
Speaker 1: that you have to be a perfect public speaker, or
370
00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:16,879
Speaker 1: a perfect coder, or a perfect podcast or whatever it
371
00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:20,919
Speaker 1: is to get out there. Here's number seven. Don't try
372
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:27,639
Speaker 1: to prove people wrong. Focus on proving yourself right. People
373
00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:33,520
Speaker 1: with intrinsic motivation driven by personal meaning outperform those with
374
00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:39,400
Speaker 1: external motivation like proving someone wrong, especially in the long term.
375
00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:46,200
Speaker 1: Here's why it's counterintuitive. Revenge success sounds good, but purpose
376
00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:54,640
Speaker 1: driven success lasts longer. Revenge ultimately leads to resentment, resentment
377
00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:58,440
Speaker 1: of what you focused on, resentment of that person, and
378
00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:05,240
Speaker 1: resentment for lost time. Purpose driven success builds confidence, helps
379
00:29:05,280 --> 00:29:10,880
Speaker 1: you understand your potential, and creates passion. So try this today.
380
00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:16,240
Speaker 1: Write a mission statement, not for others, but for yourself.
381
00:29:16,720 --> 00:29:20,320
Speaker 1: You're not doing this to make them look bad. You're
382
00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:24,040
Speaker 1: doing this to find what you care about. You're not
383
00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:27,720
Speaker 1: doing this to prove them wrong. You're doing this to
384
00:29:27,840 --> 00:29:31,680
Speaker 1: find something that you like doing. You're not doing this
385
00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:35,480
Speaker 1: because they didn't believe in you. You're doing this because
386
00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:39,400
Speaker 1: you want to learn to believe in yourself. Keep it
387
00:29:39,440 --> 00:29:43,600
Speaker 1: somewhere visible. That's your anchor. So if no one's clapping
388
00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:47,760
Speaker 1: for your idea yet, good, that means you're early. That
389
00:29:47,800 --> 00:29:51,320
Speaker 1: means you're building something most people can't see. Support may
390
00:29:51,360 --> 00:29:55,920
Speaker 1: come later, but your belief has to come first, because
391
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:58,600
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, if you don't believe
392
00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:02,160
Speaker 1: in your idea enough to stand alone for a while,
393
00:30:03,080 --> 00:30:06,080
Speaker 1: you're not going to be ready for the crowd that
394
00:30:06,120 --> 00:30:09,560
Speaker 1: comes after. Thank you so much for listening to on Purpose.
395
00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:12,400
Speaker 1: If this episode helped you, the best thing you can
396
00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:15,120
Speaker 1: do is pass it along to a friend, share it
397
00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:17,600
Speaker 1: on social media. I love seeing what's resonating with you
398
00:30:17,920 --> 00:30:26,160
Speaker 1: on TikTok and Instagram, and most importantly, back yourself loud, quietly, relentlessly,
399
00:30:26,880 --> 00:30:30,480
Speaker 1: even if no one else does. And remember I'm always
400
00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:33,520
Speaker 1: rooting for you and I'm forever in your corner. If
401
00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:36,880
Speaker 1: you love this episode, you'll enjoy my conversation with Megan
402
00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:41,200
Speaker 1: Trainer on breaking generational trauma and how to be confident
403
00:30:41,440 --> 00:30:42,600
Speaker 1: from the inside out.
404
00:30:42,760 --> 00:30:45,520
Speaker 2: My therapist told me stand in the mirror naked for
405
00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:47,440
Speaker 2: five minutes. It was already tough for me to love
406
00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:50,200
Speaker 2: my body, but after the C section scarf with all
407
00:30:50,240 --> 00:30:52,520
Speaker 2: the stretch marks. Now I'm looking at myself like I've
408
00:30:52,560 --> 00:30:55,120
Speaker 2: been hacked. But day three, when I did it, I
409
00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:56,880
Speaker 2: was like, you know what, her thighs are cute
More From Current Show
Related Episodes
No related episodes found.
