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Speaker 1: them pay for it, because then it's not a sacrifice.

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Speaker 1: Then it's a transaction. Right. Don't give people discounts if

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Speaker 1: you're then going to ask for payment, because then it

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Speaker 1: wasn't a discount. Does that make sense? If you say

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Speaker 1: I did all of this for you, but now I

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Speaker 1: want you to pay it back, then you didn't really

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Speaker 1: do it for them. You did it for you. And

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Speaker 1: I'm not saying you have to do anything for someone,

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Speaker 1: but I'm saying if you are going to do it,

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Speaker 1: then this is how you want to think about. Hey, everyone,

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Speaker 1: welcome back to our purpose the number on a health

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Speaker 1: podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every single

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Speaker 1: one of you that come back every week to listen,

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Speaker 1: learn and grow. Now, whether you're walking your dog, whether

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Speaker 1: you are editing, whether you're cooking, whether you're driving, whether

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Speaker 1: you're walking, whatever it is that you're doing right now,

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Speaker 1: thank you for being here, Thank you for trust to me,

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Speaker 1: thank you for giving me your ears, giving me your time.

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Speaker 1: I'm so grateful. As always, I would always, always, always

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Speaker 1: be grateful to each and every one of you, And

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Speaker 1: as always I cannot wait till I finally get to

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Speaker 1: meet you. So I just want to say I have

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Speaker 1: been loving your Instagram post recently. I've been seeing the

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Speaker 1: podcast everywhere and it makes my day. Some of you

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Speaker 1: are going back to the older episodes as well, and

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Speaker 1: I was thinking about it just this year. We've had

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Speaker 1: some incredible guests, everyone from Jennifer Lopez through to Alicia Keys,

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Speaker 1: through to Will Smith, Big Sean jene Ico. It has

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Speaker 1: been a phenomenal year. But what to speak about the

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Speaker 1: years before. We've had Yuval Noah Harari, the author of Sapiens.

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Speaker 1: We've had the incredible Kobe Bryant Rest in Peace. We've

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Speaker 1: had the amazing thoughts and insight from thinkers like Ray Dalio.

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Speaker 1: It has been phenomenal what's been going on in the

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Speaker 1: last two years, and I just want to thank you

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Speaker 1: for being here. Make sure you go back listen to

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Speaker 1: someone over the holidays. And I am so excited to

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Speaker 1: be talking to you today. I can't believe it. My

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Speaker 1: new book Eight Rules of Love is out and I

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Speaker 1: cannot wait to share it with you. I am so

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Speaker 1: so excited for you to read this book, for you

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Speaker 1: to listen to this book. I read the audiobook. If

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Speaker 1: you haven't got it already, make sure you go to

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Speaker 1: eight Rules of Love dot com. It's dedicated to anyone

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Speaker 1: who's trying to find, keep, or let go of love.

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Speaker 1: So if you've got friends that are dating, broken up,

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Speaker 1: or struggling with love, make sure you grab this book.

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Speaker 1: And I'd love to invite you to come and see

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Speaker 1: me for my global tour Love Rules. Go to Jay

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Speaker 1: Shettytour dot com to learn more information about tickets, VIP experiences,

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Speaker 1: and more. I can't wait to see you this year.

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Speaker 1: And today we're talking about the nine mistakes we make

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Speaker 1: in relationships, the nine mistakes we make in love and relationships.

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Speaker 1: This is for each and every one of you, whether

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Speaker 1: you're in a relationship, whether you are single, whether you

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Speaker 1: just broke up. This is one of those episodes that

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Speaker 1: I think you're going to share with friends, you're going

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Speaker 1: to keep coming back to. I feel like a lot

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Speaker 1: of you are going to listen to what I say

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Speaker 1: today and then be passing it on to other people

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Speaker 1: in your life, because these mistakes are mistakes we make

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Speaker 1: again and again, and no matter how much we hear them,

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Speaker 1: no matter how much we learn them, when we find

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Speaker 1: someone new, when it feels fresh again, we forget. It's

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Speaker 1: amazing how when things feel fresh, we forget. It's amazing

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Speaker 1: how when we're experiencing lost or chemistry, we forget the

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Speaker 1: lessons that we learned from previous connections. I don't want

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Speaker 1: you to forget them. I don't want to forget them.

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Speaker 1: And these come from coaching conversations I have, They come

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Speaker 1: from clients, They come from friends and family members that

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Speaker 1: I speak to about relationships. So the first mistake we

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Speaker 1: make in love and relationships is we make someone our everything.

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Speaker 1: We make that person our purpose, we make them our passion.

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Speaker 1: But here's the thing. A person cannot be your passion.

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Speaker 1: A person cannot be your purpose. Your purpose is not

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Speaker 1: a person. You can love a person, you can admire them,

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Speaker 1: you can enjoy time with them, you can appreciate them deeply,

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Speaker 1: but your purpose and passion are separate. And when we

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Speaker 1: make someone our everything, we lose ourselves. We lose parts

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Speaker 1: of ourselves that we haven't even found yet. When you

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Speaker 1: make someone your everything, the reason it's a mistake is

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Speaker 1: because your everything is now dependent on an independent mind.

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Speaker 1: Think about that for a second. The reason it's a

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Speaker 1: mistake is because your happiness your joy is now dependent

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Speaker 1: on an independent mind, body, and consciousness. Now they're independence,

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Speaker 1: rules your feelings, their choices, decipher your mood, their behavior

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Speaker 1: and approach. Inflict pain or pleasure onto how you feel

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Speaker 1: on any given day. Give the remote control to your

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Speaker 1: heart and emotions to this individual. They didn't ask for it,

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Speaker 1: they didn't take it from you, they didn't force you,

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Speaker 1: but you gave it. You gave it away. And when

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Speaker 1: you make them your everything, you lose everything else. Someone

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Speaker 1: can be important to you, but there's a difference when

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Speaker 1: you make them your everything. When you cancel plans, you

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Speaker 1: change friends, you shift your whole entire being. The other

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Speaker 1: challenges is that a lot of this comes from our

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Speaker 1: search almost in a divine in a way. We're looking

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Speaker 1: for divinity in humanity. We're looking for that divine godlike individual,

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Speaker 1: whether we're religious or not. We're looking for that individual

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Speaker 1: who is infallible, that person who's omniscient, the person who

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Speaker 1: knows what we're thinking and how we're feeling. We're looking

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Speaker 1: for that divine individual looking for divinity and humanity, and

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Speaker 1: what does that leave us with insecurity and anxiety? When

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Speaker 1: you look for divinity and humanity, you're left with insecurity

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Speaker 1: and anxiety. Because there is divinity within humanity, but it's

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Speaker 1: not the complete divinity, because it's covered over, it's muddy,

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Speaker 1: it's messy. The consciousness has some purification that it requires,

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Speaker 1: and so when we put our everything into something that

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Speaker 1: is fallible, it is bound to let us down. But

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Speaker 1: when we think it's infallible, we are programming ourselves to

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Speaker 1: believe that, well, this person's by everything, they will never

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Speaker 1: let me down. But they will, So we set ourselves

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Speaker 1: up for disappointment. We set ourselves up for being disheartened

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Speaker 1: and feeling dejected. So instead of making someone you're everything,

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Speaker 1: instead of making someone the most significant person, make them important,

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Speaker 1: make them feel loved, but don't lose yourself in the process.

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Speaker 1: How do you practically do that? First of all, you

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Speaker 1: have your routines that are yours, your rituals, your routines

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Speaker 1: that are you by yourself. Do you know what it

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Speaker 1: is that you enjoy to do by yourself? Or you

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Speaker 1: keep doing that? The second thing is you have your

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Speaker 1: passions and purpose to pursue. You don't trade your passion

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Speaker 1: and purpose. You continue to search, you continue to seek,

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Speaker 1: because otherwise, in a few years, maybe even in a

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Speaker 1: few months, you're going to feel that that person held

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Speaker 1: you back from your purpose, that they blocked you. Your

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Speaker 1: fascination with them being everything now makes you feel like

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Speaker 1: they've kept everything from you. I hope this is resonating.

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Speaker 1: I hope you can see how serious I am. Mistake

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Speaker 1: number two that we make in love and relationships is

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Speaker 1: you're with someone for who they could be, not who

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Speaker 1: they are. I was speaking to a friend the other

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Speaker 1: day and they said, well, you know, if if I

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Speaker 1: dressed him differently, and you know, if I you know,

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Speaker 1: if you know, if you spent a bit of time

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Speaker 1: with him, and you know, we got in the right

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Speaker 1: shoes and got in the right shirt, like you know,

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Speaker 1: he's he could look really good. Oh you know, actually

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Speaker 1: I really feel like if he applied himself, if he

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Speaker 1: applied himself, wow, he would just be successful. You know.

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Speaker 1: I really think that she could be great if she

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Speaker 1: was able to stop, you know, being that way. Notice

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Speaker 1: how you see potential in someone, and that's a beautiful thing.

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Speaker 1: Seeing potential in someone is actually one of the greatest

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Speaker 1: gifts you can give them, the challenges that you have

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Speaker 1: to be with them for who they are, not who

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Speaker 1: they could be. Unless unless you're willing to be patient

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Speaker 1: and willing to be wrong. If you're willing to be

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Speaker 1: patient and willing to be wrong, you can live in

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Speaker 1: daydream land and imagination land forever. But if you are

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Speaker 1: someone who's with someone for who they could be, and

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Speaker 1: you're constantly trying to make them more organized, you're trying

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Speaker 1: to make them more disciplined, you're trying to make them

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Speaker 1: more focused, then you're not with them for who they are,

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Speaker 1: and they're going to feel that. And by the way,

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Speaker 1: as times gone on, I've realized that there's more to

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Speaker 1: love in others than their productivity. There's more to love

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Speaker 1: in others than their organization or focus. There's more to

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Speaker 1: love in others than their ambition. Sometimes it's their lack

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Speaker 1: of ambition that makes them lovable. Sometimes it's their simplicity

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Speaker 1: that makes them likable. Now, of course you have to

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Speaker 1: be attracted to that and you have to work through that.

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Speaker 1: But I just want to put that out there as

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Speaker 1: a consideration, as a reflection point, as something to meditate on.

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Speaker 1: I think that is an interesting way to think about it. Now,

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Speaker 1: when I say you're with someone for who they could be,

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Speaker 1: not who they are, what ends up happening is you

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Speaker 1: often take it upon you to become their guide, their coach,

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Speaker 1: their savior, their director, And what ends up happening there is,

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Speaker 1: ultimately they try to live up. If you're lucky, they

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Speaker 1: try to live up to the version you want them

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Speaker 1: to be, or they move away and give up because

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Speaker 1: they don't want to be that person and they feel

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Speaker 1: minimized by your mentorship. If someone's feeling minimized by your mentorship,

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Speaker 1: chances are that they're saying, this is where I want

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Speaker 1: to live, this is who I am now. Sometimes people

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Speaker 1: under your mentorship may, even for a short period of time,

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Speaker 1: believe they can I had this happened recently with a

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Speaker 1: couple that I was coaching, where one of them, for

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Speaker 1: six months applied or appealed to believe that they could

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Speaker 1: become this new vision of themselves and they were almost

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Speaker 1: enamored and attracted to it as well. But six months

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Speaker 1: later they climbed back into their whole of comfort out

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Speaker 1: of fear of discomfort of having to be something more. Ultimately,

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Speaker 1: that borrowed belief couldn't lead to bold internal belief. And

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Speaker 1: that's the interesting thing about borrowed belief that at one

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Speaker 1: point borrowed belief has to turn into self investment, and

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Speaker 1: they borrowed belief cannot evolve into self investment if the

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Speaker 1: individual isn't ready to put into work. What's almost like

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Speaker 1: borrowed money. If I give you money to start a business,

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Speaker 1: if that money is invested correctly, it could become more

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Speaker 1: money in your money, and you can even pay back

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Speaker 1: the person that you borrowed money from. Similarly, with borrowed belief,

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Speaker 1: if you invest that belief correctly, you can create an

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Speaker 1: amazing belief that is yours. But if you just use

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Speaker 1: borrowed belief to spend, to waste, to feel good for

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Speaker 1: a few moments, it's not long lasting. And so for

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Speaker 1: six months, maybe three, maybe nine, you may feel the

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Speaker 1: borrowed belief give you faith and strength, but you have

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Speaker 1: to always see if that belief becomes theirs. I remember

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Speaker 1: a friend who had become religiously inspired, and he met

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Speaker 1: someone who also, through him, became religiously inspired. And the

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Speaker 1: question I asked him is is she doing it for

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Speaker 1: you or is she doing it for her. If she's

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Speaker 1: doing it for you, it may run out, it may change,

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Speaker 1: it may be skewed. If she's doing it for her.

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Speaker 1: That's beautiful, and some real discernment required here, because if

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Speaker 1: someone's trying to become better for you, they might become

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Speaker 1: bitter because of you. Right, If someone's trying to become

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Speaker 1: better for you, they might become bitter because of you,

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Speaker 1: And so you have to really think about that. Are

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Speaker 1: you staying here because you're patient and detached or are

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Speaker 1: you staying here because you're hoping for change. The third

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Speaker 1: mistake we make in love and relationships is you stay

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Speaker 1: too long because you're scared of being the bad person.

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Speaker 1: You're a people pleaser, and you're scared of being perceived

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Speaker 1: as uncaring. I know too many people who stay in

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Speaker 1: relationships for far too long just because they don't want

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Speaker 1: to be seen as bad. And then even when they

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Speaker 1: end it, they try and stay involved in the other

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Speaker 1: person's life because they're too scared of taking the responsibility

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Speaker 1: to say it's truly over. And that way they make

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Speaker 1: themselves feel better about themselves that they haven't abandon someone,

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Speaker 1: But they don't realize that the abandonment the person experiences

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Speaker 1: is even worse because they have access, but they're abandoned.

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Speaker 1: Being abandoned is better than having access and being abandoned really,

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Speaker 1: because in full abandonment, you try to find your own feet,

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Speaker 1: but when you still feel you have access, you're still

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Speaker 1: teased into believing that someone is still there for you,

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Speaker 1: that someone is still around. So in this scenario, in

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Speaker 1: this situation, if you've been stringing someone along when deep

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Speaker 1: down in your heart, deep down in your heart, you

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Speaker 1: know that it's not going anywhere, but you're so scared

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Speaker 1: of telling them it's over because you don't want to

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Speaker 1: be perceived as a person who hurts people, So you

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Speaker 1: stay longer and longer and longer, only one day to

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Speaker 1: decide that it truly has to end. And now the

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Speaker 1: person feels confused. They say, well, you just told me

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Speaker 1: last week that you loved me. I believe that we

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Speaker 1: were going somewhere because you've never said this to me,

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Speaker 1: And in your heart, you've all long been plotting and

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Speaker 1: planning this moment of peril for them, but they've only

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Speaker 1: been expecting a proposal. If you know there is no

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Speaker 1: future with someone, tell them as soon as you know.

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Speaker 1: If you're experiencing this feeling that you don't want to

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Speaker 1: be seen as a bad person, that's why you stay

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Speaker 1: with someone. Be honest with yourself. You're going to hurt

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Speaker 1: them more. You're going to hurt them in the short

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Speaker 1: term when you end it, but you're going to hurt

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Speaker 1: them far more in the long term if you keep

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Speaker 1: it going. If someone has been with you for six

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Speaker 1: months or twelve months or twenty four months and you

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Speaker 1: end it and they have to find their own way,

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Speaker 1: they'll figure it out. But if you do that after

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Speaker 1: five years or eight years or ten years, boy, it's

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Speaker 1: going to cause them a lot more pain. Or The

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Speaker 1: fourth mistake we make in love is we try to

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Speaker 1: trade time with our partners instead of creating new experiences.

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Speaker 1: One of the biggest challenges we have is when we

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Speaker 1: come to a relationship, it's like we almost already have

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Speaker 1: who we are, they have who they are, and then

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Speaker 1: we try and trade what we like about that. So

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Speaker 1: we're like, okay, well, if you come to the football

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Speaker 1: game with me, then I'll go to that dinner with you.

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Speaker 1: If you come to the party and my friends, then

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Speaker 1: I'll sit and watch a game with you. Right Like,

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Speaker 1: it's all about trading time, and now both people are

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Speaker 1: doing things they don't want to do half of the time.

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Speaker 1: Whereas what's beautiful is when in a relationship, you create

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Speaker 1: a new set of values, activities, rituals, and routines that

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Speaker 1: you do together. So you have your own rituals and

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Speaker 1: routines which you don't force someone to become a part of.

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Speaker 1: You don't make that person have to understand you through that.

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Speaker 1: You create something new together. It's like creating a child.

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Speaker 1: And people often complain they're like they want their child

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Speaker 1: to be more like them or be raised like how

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Speaker 1: they were raised. But when you create something together, you

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Speaker 1: have to find a new way to raise it, and

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Speaker 1: that includes the relationship and it also includes the children

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Speaker 1: in reality, and so this is something to really think about.

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Speaker 1: You know, stop trying to make the other person be

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Speaker 1: more like you or do what you do. Try and

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Speaker 1: focus on creating something new together, new rituals, new routines,

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Speaker 1: not trying to make them do your routines and you're

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Speaker 1: trying to do their routines. Mistake number five is pretty

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Speaker 1: much along the same lines. You want someone to like

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Speaker 1: what you like, but it's a bit deeper in the

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Speaker 1: sense that not only are you now trading time, you

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Speaker 1: actually want them to like what you like. So you're like, well,

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Speaker 1: I'm so passionate about my business. Why don't you get

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Speaker 1: excited about it for me? You love me, so you

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Speaker 1: should get excited for me. If you really loved me,

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Speaker 1: then you would like the same things that I like.

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Speaker 1: Why don't you like going out to buy art? Why

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Speaker 1: don't you like going out to shop for this and

296
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Speaker 1: that for the house? Why don't you like it? Because

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Speaker 1: I care about it? It's rare for partners to care

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Speaker 1: about what you care about, but they can care about you,

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Speaker 1: and that you care about it is beautiful. Do they

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00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:12,520
Speaker 1: care enough to let you make time for what you

301
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Speaker 1: care about? That's where the care needs to be directed.

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Speaker 1: We want our partner to care about what we care about.

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Speaker 1: The question is do they let you care about it?

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Speaker 1: Do they care that you care about it and they

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Speaker 1: let you do it? But it doesn't have to be

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Speaker 1: something that they have to care about. Otherwise you're basically

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Speaker 1: saying that someone has to develop a whole new set

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Speaker 1: of values and care to be in a relationship with you,

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Speaker 1: which is actually quite a big things to ask. Right,

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Speaker 1: So I grew up caring about certain things and Raley

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Speaker 1: grew up caring about certain things. Now if I have

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Speaker 1: to care about everything she cares about, that's actually not

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Speaker 1: likely or realistic. She loves and adores food and vegetables

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Speaker 1: and understanding nutrition and diets and plans, and I love

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Speaker 1: that she loves that, but I can't love it. Mistake

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Speaker 1: number six is you don't take the time to understand

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Speaker 1: why they are the way they are. We jump to conclusions,

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Speaker 1: we make assumptions. But how many of us beyond knowing

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Speaker 1: you know what people like to eat, and what kind

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Speaker 1: of movies they like, and what sports team they support, like,

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Speaker 1: how many of us have really dived deep into how

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Speaker 1: our partners are the way they are, maybe how their

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Speaker 1: parenting was, maybe the experiences that they had growing up

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Speaker 1: that formed them. Have we ever sat down to ask

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Speaker 1: them really and truly how they got to where they

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Speaker 1: got to Because for so many people, for so many

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Speaker 1: individuals in a relationship, we make a mistake but not

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Speaker 1: knowing because we actually find it harder to understand them.

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Speaker 1: Right If we haven't taken the time to understand their past,

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Speaker 1: we're going to struggle to understand how they act in

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Speaker 1: the present. Usually we judge people for their choices now,

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Speaker 1: but their choices now are based on experiences of the part.

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Speaker 1: So you're taking it personal and you're saying, well, if

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Speaker 1: you don't want to do this, then that means you

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00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:06,239
Speaker 1: don't want to be with me, or you don't love me,

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00:20:06,359 --> 00:20:08,560
Speaker 1: or I'm not important to you. But that may not

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00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:11,919
Speaker 1: be the case. And if you've taken the time to

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Speaker 1: understand them, to delineate why they are the way they are,

339
00:20:16,359 --> 00:20:19,840
Speaker 1: you have a much better chance of responding correctly in

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Speaker 1: the present without making everything personal. Right, this one's a

341
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:27,840
Speaker 1: deep one. How many of you right now and making notes?

342
00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:31,200
Speaker 1: I want you to take a screenshot right now because

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Speaker 1: this one's been a deep one. I've really been letting loose.

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Speaker 1: These are there's some bars of this one right, and

345
00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:39,200
Speaker 1: it's just coming out because I see so much pain

346
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:45,959
Speaker 1: through expectations, through not really loving like love means you know,

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Speaker 1: understanding someone, And this is yeah, I hope this is helping.

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Speaker 1: I really really hope it's helping. So Number seven, one

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Speaker 1: of the biggest mistakes we're make in love and relationships

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Speaker 1: is you talk to too many people in a relationship

351
00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:01,800
Speaker 1: and you don't talk to the person in the relationship.

352
00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:04,560
Speaker 1: I see this all the time. When we have an issue,

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00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,639
Speaker 1: we go to everyone else for advice rather than figuring

354
00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:08,600
Speaker 1: out with that person. Who's the only person who can

355
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:11,480
Speaker 1: actually impact that relationship. Now, I'm not saying don't ask

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00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:13,920
Speaker 1: for advice or don't get insight. I'm just saying that

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00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:16,480
Speaker 1: a lot of the challenges can be solved with each

358
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:20,320
Speaker 1: other rather than outside of each other, because people outside

359
00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:22,520
Speaker 1: of you don't have the same context. They don't have

360
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:26,159
Speaker 1: the same awareness, they don't have the same plans, desires, thoughts.

361
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,880
Speaker 1: They don't know any of that. And they also don't

362
00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:31,119
Speaker 1: know what you really like about this person. They are

363
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:34,240
Speaker 1: only basing it on what they see through you. And

364
00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:36,760
Speaker 1: what they see through you is the subjective experience that

365
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:42,560
Speaker 1: you constantly project onto them. So talk to the person

366
00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:46,280
Speaker 1: about the problem, and if that person doesn't want to

367
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:50,440
Speaker 1: talk about the problem, find out why what is blocking them,

368
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:53,119
Speaker 1: don't blame them, and then go talk to someone else.

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00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,560
Speaker 1: If you're in a relationship with someone, take the time

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Speaker 1: be patient enough to understand why conflict triggers them, why

371
00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:04,840
Speaker 1: they avoid having these deep, meaningful, important conversations, and if

372
00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:08,040
Speaker 1: they keep being disregarding it, then fair enough it may

373
00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:09,800
Speaker 1: be time for you to move on. But the truth

374
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:12,399
Speaker 1: is that talking to everyone else about it while you

375
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:17,760
Speaker 1: suffer the disconnecting the relationship doesn't solve it either. Number

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00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:22,760
Speaker 1: eight is you're mad at them for the sacrifices you

377
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:28,000
Speaker 1: made without them asking for it. Often we make sacrifices

378
00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:30,480
Speaker 1: because we think we're in love. We make compromises because

379
00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:33,800
Speaker 1: we think we're in love. We go against our own

380
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:36,560
Speaker 1: selves because we want to show we are loving and

381
00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:39,000
Speaker 1: be loving, and maybe we love them and we think

382
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:41,479
Speaker 1: this is how to show love. And then later on

383
00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:44,320
Speaker 1: we get mad at those people. We make them feel

384
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:47,439
Speaker 1: guilty because we did all these things for them and

385
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:49,920
Speaker 1: now they're not reciprocating or they didn't value it, but

386
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:52,480
Speaker 1: they never asked for it. A big part of this

387
00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:54,520
Speaker 1: is figuring out what it means to be in love.

388
00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:57,399
Speaker 1: Love doesn't mean to compromise who you are. Love doesn't

389
00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:00,600
Speaker 1: mean to sacrifice things that are meaningful to you. That's

390
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:08,360
Speaker 1: not love. Love means you are loving from a place

391
00:23:09,359 --> 00:23:12,640
Speaker 1: where you still love yourself. One of the biggest ones

392
00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:14,480
Speaker 1: where I think about this is when I think about Radi.

393
00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:17,639
Speaker 1: Radi sacrifice living close to her parents when we moved

394
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:20,640
Speaker 1: to the United States, and I've always thought about that.

395
00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:23,240
Speaker 1: I've always thought, how did Radley do it, Why did

396
00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:26,080
Speaker 1: she do it? What made her do it, and she'll

397
00:23:26,119 --> 00:23:29,000
Speaker 1: answer that question with many things like we just got married,

398
00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:33,160
Speaker 1: Like I, you know, was scared, but I was open

399
00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:36,080
Speaker 1: to it. Or maybe I just was sad every day,

400
00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:38,439
Speaker 1: but I felt that we were creating something together and

401
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:39,840
Speaker 1: I know it was your dream and maybe there was

402
00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:42,560
Speaker 1: some sacrifice for me. But one of the things Rady

403
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:44,879
Speaker 1: did is she owned that she realized how it became

404
00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:49,080
Speaker 1: good for her, rather than making me feel guilty when

405
00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:50,480
Speaker 1: I had an asked for her, I was very clear

406
00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:53,040
Speaker 1: about I said to her. I said, I will literally

407
00:23:53,119 --> 00:23:55,960
Speaker 1: visit you every weekend in London if that's what it takes, like,

408
00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:58,240
Speaker 1: that's what I'll do. I'll go, I'll go chase my dream,

409
00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:00,360
Speaker 1: but I'll come visit you and that will be will

410
00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:02,680
Speaker 1: be married. Because that maybe abnormal to a lot of people,

411
00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:05,000
Speaker 1: but hey, we you know, we're going to redefine what

412
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:08,679
Speaker 1: relationships look like. But don't make sacrifices for people if

413
00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:10,119
Speaker 1: you're going to make them pay for it, because then

414
00:24:10,119 --> 00:24:13,600
Speaker 1: it's not a sacrifice. Then it's a transaction. Right. Don't

415
00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:17,360
Speaker 1: give people discounts if you're then going to ask for payment,

416
00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:20,680
Speaker 1: because then it wasn't a discount. Does that make sense?

417
00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:22,800
Speaker 1: If you say I did all of this for you,

418
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:24,640
Speaker 1: but now I want you to pay it back. Then

419
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:26,639
Speaker 1: you didn't really do it for them, You did it

420
00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:28,800
Speaker 1: for you. And I'm not saying you have to do

421
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:30,560
Speaker 1: anything for someone, but I'm saying if you are going

422
00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:31,879
Speaker 1: to do it, then this is how you want to

423
00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:34,760
Speaker 1: think about it. And the ninth and final thing I

424
00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:36,359
Speaker 1: want to talk to you about is the difference between

425
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:40,360
Speaker 1: an ownership, a partnership, and a relationship. And this kind

426
00:24:40,359 --> 00:24:43,200
Speaker 1: of sums up everything we've been talking about. Ownership is

427
00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:45,360
Speaker 1: where you want to control, where you're like, I want

428
00:24:45,359 --> 00:24:47,440
Speaker 1: you to do things like me. We should do things

429
00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:51,719
Speaker 1: like my parents did. I know what's right. That's ownership.

430
00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:54,919
Speaker 1: If you're coming from that perspective, that's a painful way

431
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:58,160
Speaker 1: to live because no one wants to be owned. And

432
00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:01,480
Speaker 1: by the way, you don't necess susarily have all the answers,

433
00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:04,720
Speaker 1: even if you had a great upbringing or great background.

434
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:07,440
Speaker 1: A partnership is where you trade again. You say, Okay,

435
00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:09,280
Speaker 1: well i'll do this for you, you do this for me,

436
00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:12,359
Speaker 1: and a lot of couple survive there, but they don't

437
00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:16,320
Speaker 1: drive there. And the final is a relationship. You be you,

438
00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:20,639
Speaker 1: I'll be me, but let's build something beautiful together. I

439
00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:23,120
Speaker 1: know you your own person and you're complex, and I'm

440
00:25:23,119 --> 00:25:26,040
Speaker 1: my own person and I'm complex. But let's build something

441
00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:30,040
Speaker 1: simple and wonderful together. Let's build a space. It's almost

442
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:32,160
Speaker 1: like building a home and saying, all right, well, let's

443
00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:35,960
Speaker 1: pick the colors together, let's pick the rooms together. Let's

444
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:38,080
Speaker 1: figure this out together. And there may be a room

445
00:25:38,119 --> 00:25:39,760
Speaker 1: that's yours, and there may be a room that's mine.

446
00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:42,840
Speaker 1: But let's make some rooms together with the best of

447
00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:44,879
Speaker 1: both of us, and maybe not even the best of

448
00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:46,600
Speaker 1: both of us, with the worst of both of us,

449
00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:50,040
Speaker 1: but a new part of us. We're trying to make

450
00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:53,320
Speaker 1: relationships from the best and worst of who we already

451
00:25:53,359 --> 00:25:56,560
Speaker 1: are when we could make them out of the growth

452
00:25:56,600 --> 00:26:01,080
Speaker 1: we experienced together. That's a relationship. Thank you so much

453
00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:03,520
Speaker 1: for listening to today. This is definitely one that I

454
00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:05,120
Speaker 1: hope you pass on. I think it's going to help

455
00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:08,080
Speaker 1: a lot of people, and I can't wait to see

456
00:26:08,119 --> 00:26:10,080
Speaker 1: what you learn through Instagram, Twitter and all the other

457
00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:14,320
Speaker 1: places that we're connected. Continue to live your life, keep

458
00:26:14,359 --> 00:26:25,199
Speaker 1: living your life on purpose. Thanks for listening. In our heads,

459
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:29,160
Speaker 1: we have an image of an ideal life. Our relationships,

460
00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:31,800
Speaker 1: how we spend our time in work and leisure what

461
00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:36,200
Speaker 1: we want to achieve, even without the noise of external influences.

462
00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:40,280
Speaker 1: Certain goals captivate us, and we design our lives around

463
00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:43,919
Speaker 1: achieving them because we think they will make us happy.

464
00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:47,080
Speaker 1: And now we will figure out what drives these ambitions,

465
00:26:47,359 --> 00:26:49,919
Speaker 1: whether they are likely to make us truly happy, and

466
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:53,800
Speaker 1: whether happiness is even the right target. I've just come

467
00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:55,760
Speaker 1: out of a class where we discuss the idea of

468
00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:59,080
Speaker 1: rebirth some sorrow, and now I'm strolling through the quiet

469
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:02,120
Speaker 1: Ushram with this senior monk and a few other students.

470
00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:05,480
Speaker 1: The ushram has two locations, a temple in Mumbai and

471
00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:08,280
Speaker 1: the one where I am now, a rural outpost near Palgo.

472
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:11,919
Speaker 1: This will eventually be developed into the goverdan Eco Village,

473
00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:14,720
Speaker 1: a beautiful retreat, but for now there are just a

474
00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:19,800
Speaker 1: few simple, nondescript buildings set in uncultivated land. Dry dirt

475
00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:23,720
Speaker 1: footpaths divide the grasses. Here and there monks sit on

476
00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:27,120
Speaker 1: straw mats, reading or stunning. The main building is open

477
00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:30,320
Speaker 1: to the elements, and inside we can see monks working.

478
00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:34,200
Speaker 1: As we walk. The senior monk mentions the achievements of

479
00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:37,360
Speaker 1: some of the monks we pass. He points out one

480
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:41,560
Speaker 1: who can meditate for eight hours straight. A few minutes later,

481
00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:45,600
Speaker 1: he gestures to another he fasts for seven days in

482
00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:49,119
Speaker 1: a row. Further along, he points, do you see the

483
00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:52,760
Speaker 1: man sitting under that tree? He can recite every verse

484
00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:57,000
Speaker 1: from the scripture? Impressed, I say, I wish I could

485
00:27:57,000 --> 00:28:00,679
Speaker 1: do that. The monk pauses and turn to look at me.

486
00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:05,399
Speaker 1: He asks, do you wish you could do that? Or

487
00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:08,679
Speaker 1: do you wish you could learn to do that? What

488
00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:11,320
Speaker 1: do you mean? I know by now that some of

489
00:28:11,359 --> 00:28:14,000
Speaker 1: my favorite lessons come not in the classroom, but in

490
00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:19,760
Speaker 1: moments like this, he says, Think about your motivations. Do

491
00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:22,720
Speaker 1: you want to memorize all of the scripture because it's

492
00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:26,760
Speaker 1: an impressive achievement, or do you want the experience of

493
00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:30,119
Speaker 1: having studied it? In the first, all you want is

494
00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:34,040
Speaker 1: the outcome. In the second, you're curious about what you

495
00:28:34,119 --> 00:28:37,640
Speaker 1: might learn from the process. This was a new concept

496
00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:41,120
Speaker 1: for me, and it blew my mind. Desiring an outcome

497
00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:44,560
Speaker 1: had always seemed reasonable to me. The monk was telling

498
00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:47,800
Speaker 1: me to question why I wanted to do what was

499
00:28:47,880 --> 00:28:54,600
Speaker 1: necessary to reach that outcome. The four motivations, no matter

500
00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:58,480
Speaker 1: how disorganized we might be. We all have plans, We

501
00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:00,720
Speaker 1: have an idea of what we have accomplish in the

502
00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:03,280
Speaker 1: day ahead. We probably have a sense of what the

503
00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:06,520
Speaker 1: year holds or what we hope we'll accomplish, and we

504
00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:10,520
Speaker 1: all have dreams for the future. Something motivates every one

505
00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:13,600
Speaker 1: of these notions, from needing to pay the rent to

506
00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:19,080
Speaker 1: wanting to travel the world. Hindu philosopher buktivenor Tucker describes

507
00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:25,840
Speaker 1: four fundamental motivations. One fear. Tucker describes this as being

508
00:29:25,920 --> 00:29:31,280
Speaker 1: driven by sickness, poverty, fear of hell, or fear of death.

509
00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:38,720
Speaker 1: Number two desire, seeking personal gratification through success, wealth, and pleasure.

510
00:29:39,640 --> 00:29:45,520
Speaker 1: Three Duty motivated by gratitude, responsibility, and the desire to

511
00:29:45,600 --> 00:29:50,880
Speaker 1: do the right thing. Four Love compelled by care for

512
00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:55,880
Speaker 1: others and the urge to help them. These four motivations

513
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:59,720
Speaker 1: drive everything we do. We make choices, for example, because

514
00:29:59,720 --> 00:30:02,640
Speaker 1: we're scared of losing our job, wanting to win the

515
00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:06,440
Speaker 1: admiration of our friends, hoping to fulfill our parents' expectations,

516
00:30:06,520 --> 00:30:09,880
Speaker 1: or wanting to help others live a better life. I'm

517
00:30:09,880 --> 00:30:13,080
Speaker 1: going to talk about each motivation individually so we get

518
00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:17,280
Speaker 1: a sense of how they shape our choices. Fear is

519
00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:21,440
Speaker 1: not sustainable. In the last chapter we talked about fear,

520
00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:23,960
Speaker 1: so I'm not going to dwell on it here. When

521
00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:27,160
Speaker 1: fear motivates you, you pick what you want to achieve

522
00:30:27,480 --> 00:30:30,920
Speaker 1: a promotion, a relationship, buying a home because you believe

523
00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:35,200
Speaker 1: it will bring you safety and security. Fear alerts and

524
00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:39,160
Speaker 1: ignites us. This warning flare is useful. As we discussed,

525
00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:43,360
Speaker 1: Fear points out problems and sometimes motivates us. For instance,

526
00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:46,960
Speaker 1: the fear of getting fired may motivate you to get organized.

527
00:30:47,440 --> 00:30:51,080
Speaker 1: The problem with fear is that it's not sustainable. When

528
00:30:51,120 --> 00:30:54,360
Speaker 1: we operate in fear for a long time, we can't

529
00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:57,760
Speaker 1: work to the best of our abilities. We're too worried

530
00:30:57,760 --> 00:31:01,840
Speaker 1: about getting the wrong result, frantic or paralyzed, and are

531
00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:06,040
Speaker 1: unable to evaluate our situations objectively or to take risks.