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Speaker 1: keep thinking it's going to be okay. Because the hormone

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Speaker 1: makes you feel safe and secure, you don't see the

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Speaker 1: red flags the person is sending saying I'm not trustworthy.

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Speaker 1: So I want you to be really careful at the

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Speaker 1: beginning of a relationship about how you feel about something

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Speaker 1: how quickly you have sex, not from a position of like,

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Speaker 1: I'm not saying like, hold it back, wait till this day, like,

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Speaker 1: That's not the kind of advice I'm giving you. What

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Speaker 1: I'm trying to say to you is if you have sex,

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Speaker 1: you're likely to have more positive feelings about this person

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Speaker 1: and forget the bad things about them during that time,

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Speaker 1: and so you don't want to be making decisions around

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Speaker 1: that time. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the

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Speaker 1: number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each

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Speaker 1: and every one of you that come back every week

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Speaker 1: to listen, learn and grow. And I am so excited

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Speaker 1: to be talking to you today. I can't believe it.

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Speaker 1: My new book, Eight Rules of Love is out and

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Speaker 1: thank you, thank you, thank you so much for all

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Speaker 1: the support for Eight Rules of Love. It has been

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Speaker 1: an incredible launch week. I am so deeply grateful for

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Speaker 1: the amount of just love and kindness. I see all

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Speaker 1: of you tagging the book in your stories, and last

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Speaker 1: week I gave you the first introduction of the audiobook,

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Speaker 1: absolutely free. If you haven't listened to it, go back

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Speaker 1: and do and then download the audiobook from eight Rules

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Speaker 1: of Love dot com, Amazon, Audible, wherever you get your books.

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Speaker 1: It's dedicated to anyone who's trying to find, keep, or

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Speaker 1: let go of love. So if you've got friends that

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Speaker 1: are dating, broken up, or struggling with love, make sure

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Speaker 1: you grab this book. And I'd love to invite you

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Speaker 1: to come and see me for my global tour Love Rules.

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Speaker 1: Go to Jay shehtytour dot com to learn more information

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Speaker 1: about tickets, VIP experiences and more. I can't wait to

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Speaker 1: see you this year. Now. If you're someone who's dating

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Speaker 1: right now, this episode is for you. If you have

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Speaker 1: a friend who's dating, this episode is for you. If

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Speaker 1: you have a friend who's in a relationship and they're

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Speaker 1: reflecting about it, introspecting about whether they're in the right

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Speaker 1: relationship with the right person, if things are going in

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Speaker 1: the right direction, this episode is for you, or if

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Speaker 1: you're in that position. Of course, this episode is for

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Speaker 1: you now. The reason why I put this episode together

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Speaker 1: is because I have had so many conversations with so

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Speaker 1: many people in my life recently where they've avoided red flags,

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Speaker 1: They've experienced gas lighting, they've experienced love bombing, but they

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Speaker 1: didn't realize it until afterwards. And at the same time,

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Speaker 1: I have a lot of friends and family and people

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Speaker 1: in my life who I think have spotted a red

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Speaker 1: flag and immediately thought that's it, it's over. This has

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Speaker 1: to end here, rather than learn the skill and the

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Speaker 1: art of figuring out is this a really extreme red

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Speaker 1: flag or is it more of like a pink salmon color? Right? Like,

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Speaker 1: is this really an issue? Or are we making an

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Speaker 1: issue out of it? Because we're scared, we're insecure, we're worried.

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Speaker 1: Often we can give up a great thing or a

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Speaker 1: good thing because we're not in the right mindset right.

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Speaker 1: Often we think someone's wrong for us because we're not

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Speaker 1: in the right space. How many times have you ever

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Speaker 1: experienced that? And I don't want you to miss out

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Speaker 1: on the right person. And I also don't want you

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Speaker 1: to stay with the wrong person, right. I don't want

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Speaker 1: you to do either one of those, because it leads

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Speaker 1: to a lot of pain, It leads to a lot

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Speaker 1: of heartbreak, and everyone goes through heartbreak. Everyone goes through

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Speaker 1: the feeling of rejection. It's something that I think most

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Speaker 1: people have experienced, but we know it's not a happy feeling.

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Speaker 1: It's not an easy feeling. So research shows that the

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Speaker 1: areas that are activated in the brain when we're in

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Speaker 1: love are the same as those involved in cocaine addiction. Fascinating, right,

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Speaker 1: So the way your brain experiences a breakup is kind

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Speaker 1: of like the misery of detox. Just as addicts crave

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Speaker 1: a fix, we can literally crave the other person. This

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Speaker 1: happens in part because our brains flood with chemical messengers

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Speaker 1: that are part of our reward and motivation circuitry. Our

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Speaker 1: brain sends urgent signals that we should hurry up and

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Speaker 1: retrieve what's missing. That's why you want to text your X.

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Speaker 1: That's why you want to see them again, That's why

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Speaker 1: you're obsessed with following them on social media and seeing

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Speaker 1: what they're up to, because we're literally detoxing from an addiction.

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Speaker 1: In one study of breakups, participants reported thinking about their

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Speaker 1: X is roughly eighty five percent of the time they

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Speaker 1: were awake, eighty five percent of the time that they

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Speaker 1: were awake. That's huge. Now, I know we've all been there, right,

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Speaker 1: So let's be let's be honest, we've all been there.

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Speaker 1: The flood of hormones isn't the brain's only response to

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Speaker 1: a breakup. Areas of the brain that are active in

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Speaker 1: heartbreak are the same as those ones that process physical pain,

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Speaker 1: But as the researcher Helen Fisher says, the differences. While

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Speaker 1: pain from a stubbed toe or a toothache fades, emotions

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Speaker 1: can intensify the sensation of a breakup. We don't get

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Speaker 1: angry with our tooth or feel rejected by the couch

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Speaker 1: we bumped into, says Helen Fisher, But with our exes,

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Speaker 1: we harbor hurt feelings dash dreams, which can exacerbate and

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Speaker 1: extend the pain. In this stay, our brains can desperately

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Speaker 1: seek oxytocin, the bonding hormone, because it decreases feelings of

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Speaker 1: fear and anxiety, and we're likely to seek this chemical

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Speaker 1: experience from our ex and this can prompt some pretty

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Speaker 1: irrational things, right, lack of emotional control, irregular eating, right,

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Speaker 1: or emailing, pleading, sobbing for hours, drinking too much. We've

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Speaker 1: all been there. So this episode is to help avoid

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Speaker 1: that at all costs if you can, not by staying

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Speaker 1: with someone who's wrong for you, but by either calling

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Speaker 1: it quits earlier, or by working through things that are

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Speaker 1: actually not that redder flag. So I hope this episode

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Speaker 1: helps you, guides you, gives you some insights to think about.

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Speaker 1: That's all I'm ever trying to do. I'm never telling

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Speaker 1: you whether you should break up or shouldn't break up

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Speaker 1: with someone. My goal is to give you enough insight

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Speaker 1: and information to make healthier decisions yourself through the use

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Speaker 1: of wisdom and science. So thank you for being here again.

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Speaker 1: If you haven't already, I hope you're going to order

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Speaker 1: my new book, Eight Rules of Love. This book is

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Speaker 1: going to help guide you into how to find love,

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Speaker 1: keep love, and let it go in a healthy way.

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Speaker 1: And I can't wait for you to have that book.

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Speaker 1: If you don't already have it, I hope you're enjoying it.

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Speaker 1: If you do, I really really hope that it's helping you. Now,

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Speaker 1: how can we avoid this feeling? If we can, and

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Speaker 1: when we can? This statistic really blew my mind. Seven

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Speaker 1: point two out of ten. Gen Z would rather date

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Speaker 1: a love bomber than someone who is emotionally unavailable or noncommittal. Now.

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Speaker 1: A love bomber, by definition, is someone who displays feelings

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Speaker 1: of affection early and in a heightened way, but doesn't

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Speaker 1: necessarily back them up over the long term. They're not

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Speaker 1: going to live up to their promises. It can be

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Speaker 1: a really painful thing to go through, which often leaves

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Speaker 1: you feeling like you're the most loved person in the world,

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Speaker 1: to then feeling like you're the least loved person in

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Speaker 1: the world. The Healthline describes it as it happens when

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Speaker 1: someone overwhelms you with loving words, actions, and behavior. As

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Speaker 1: a manipulation technique. It's often used to win over your

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Speaker 1: trust and affection so that they can meet a goal

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Speaker 1: of theirs, says Sharon Paker, m A, a license marriage

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Speaker 1: and family therapist. So I saw this brilliant love bombing

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Speaker 1: survey from Shanko, where some of today's research is from,

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Speaker 1: and so if you don't follow them or haven't checked

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Speaker 1: it out, definitely go take a look at it. The

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Speaker 1: study says that seventy percent of people have had a

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Speaker 1: partner say I love you within the first month of

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Speaker 1: seeing each other. How many times have you done this?

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Speaker 1: How many times does it happen to you that seventy

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Speaker 1: percent of people have had a partner say I love

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Speaker 1: you within the first month of seeing each other. Now,

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Speaker 1: I promise you right now, there is no way that

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Speaker 1: in the first month of seeing each other someone can

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Speaker 1: truly love you completely, fully holy. Yes they can like you,

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Speaker 1: Yes they can be into you, Yes they can be

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Speaker 1: attracted to you, Yes they can want to love you,

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Speaker 1: but someone loving you. And the problem is we love

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Speaker 1: hearing those three words. We want to hear them so badly,

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Speaker 1: and we want to feel them. Only thirty one percent

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Speaker 1: of dating app users would break up with someone who

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Speaker 1: said I love you in the first month, which shows

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Speaker 1: we like it, which proves we want it and like it.

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Speaker 1: Sixty percent of dating app users feel pressured to say

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Speaker 1: I love you too early in a relationship. The first

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Speaker 1: red flag in a relationship is if someone says I

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Speaker 1: love you too soon. We have to be very careful.

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Speaker 1: We have to slow it down, we have to be

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Speaker 1: thoughtful about I had this great conversation the other day,

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Speaker 1: what does it mean when someone loves us. We have

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Speaker 1: to define that for ourselves. But when I think about

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Speaker 1: the kind of love we want and the love that

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Speaker 1: I hear people want, it means a love where we're

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Speaker 1: accepted for who we are, truly who we are, and

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Speaker 1: we can be ourselves. We all want a space where

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Speaker 1: we get accepted for our authentic, aligned selves, and that

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Speaker 1: means someone has had to see you stressed, see you fatigued,

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Speaker 1: see you exhausted, see you irritated, and you will have

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Speaker 1: had to see them in those scenarios as well, because

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Speaker 1: we know that our character is really shown when we're tested,

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Speaker 1: and we know that long term love is based on character, right.

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Speaker 1: Liking is based on chemistry. Loving is based on character.

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Speaker 1: So the only way you can love someone is if

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Speaker 1: you've experienced different elements of their character and you've found

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Speaker 1: a way to make peace with that. I'm not saying

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Speaker 1: you're going to love someone when they're stressed, fully in

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Speaker 1: the sense of you're not going to be like, Wow,

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Speaker 1: they deal with stress so well. But the point is

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Speaker 1: do you both deal with stress well together? Have you

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Speaker 1: seen them in that and are you able to figure

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Speaker 1: it out? Are you supportive of each other or are

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Speaker 1: you just trying to avoid that scenario, and the only

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Speaker 1: experiences you've had with each other are on a date

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Speaker 1: night when you're practically in an interview. Now, studies shows

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Speaker 1: that men are quicker to say I love you than women,

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Speaker 1: taking an average of eighty eight days. Women take an

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Speaker 1: average of one hundred and thirty four days. Right, so

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Speaker 1: men are saying it quicker, which is why I hear

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Speaker 1: a lot from women that they've in loved bomb or

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Speaker 1: had this experience. Now, how do you deal with this?

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Speaker 1: If someone says I love you too soon? How do

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Speaker 1: you deal with it? Because they might be great, it

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Speaker 1: might actually be going in the right direction. I'm not saying, oh,

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Speaker 1: when someone says that to you, you you break up with

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Speaker 1: them and go, all right, well your love bombing me,

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Speaker 1: it's over. This is not what I need. Like Jay

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Speaker 1: told me that, you know, that's not what I'm saying.

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Speaker 1: I think, first of all, we should never feel pressured

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Speaker 1: to say I love you back. Sixty percent of dating

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Speaker 1: app users feel pressured to say I love you too early.

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Speaker 1: You should never be saying those words too early. There's

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Speaker 1: there's no need for that. I think when someone says

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Speaker 1: it to you, you can genuinely ask them what do

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Speaker 1: you mean like no, no, no, I don't believe you,

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Speaker 1: or this is awkward, more like, well, what do you

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Speaker 1: mean by that? Like what do you love about me?

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Speaker 1: And you may think that that's quite forward, but actually

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Speaker 1: you give yourself an opportunity to listen to that person,

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Speaker 1: and that person also gets a sign that goes, okay, well,

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Speaker 1: this person's smart, this person switched on. I remember actually

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Speaker 1: saying that to an ex girlfriend early on and that

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Speaker 1: being her response, and it actually made me reflect, only

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Speaker 1: for me to realize that I didn't have as strong

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Speaker 1: feelings for her as I thought. And I think that

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Speaker 1: that can be probably one of the best things that

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Speaker 1: someone can ask you is what do you mean by that?

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Speaker 1: Like what do you love about me? I'd love to know?

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Speaker 1: And you're asking it not in a confrontation or intimidating way.

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Speaker 1: You're asking in a genuine way. And so I want

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Speaker 1: you to be aware of this one because the challenge

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Speaker 1: is when someone says I love you, they're signing up

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Speaker 1: to live up to their definition, and when you say

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Speaker 1: I love you, you're signing up to live up to

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Speaker 1: your definition. And so if you both have your own definitions,

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Speaker 1: but you think that person signing up to yours, and

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Speaker 1: you think you're signing up to theirs, right, Like, actually

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Speaker 1: you think you're signing up to yours. So if you're

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Speaker 1: not ready to commit to their definition, or if you

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Speaker 1: don't even know what it is, chances are that's going

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Speaker 1: to be a challenge. So that's something to look out for.

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Speaker 1: Number two is the pressure to have sex. Fifty two

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Speaker 1: percent of women who are app users felt pressure to

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Speaker 1: have sex by someone who loved bombed them. Right. This

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Speaker 1: is really really challenging to see to think that over

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Speaker 1: fifty percent of people are pressured, and I don't have

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Speaker 1: the stats on how many of those people actually go

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Speaker 1: through with it, but it's really interesting how sex can

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Speaker 1: distort our perception of love. So the research shows that

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Speaker 1: sex can distract us from making good choices about who

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Speaker 1: to be with and whether to stay with them. So

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Speaker 1: if you're being pressured into sex too early on in

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Speaker 1: a relationship or ever in a relationship, it can actually

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Speaker 1: distort how you feel about that person and about love.

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Speaker 1: And one of the biggest causes of that distraction is

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Speaker 1: the hormone oxytocin. Now, according to neuroscientists and psychiatrist Daniel Aman,

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Speaker 1: Oxytocin is related to feelings of being in love, and

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Speaker 1: the release of oxytocin can support and even accelerate bonding

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Speaker 1: and trust. So generally men have lower levels of oxytocin

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Speaker 1: than women, but sex causes men's oxytocin levels to spike

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Speaker 1: more than five hundred percent. New York Universe City neuroscientist

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Speaker 1: Robert Frumka says that oxytocin acts like a volume dial,

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Speaker 1: turning up an amplifying brain activity related to whatever someone

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Speaker 1: is already experiencing. During and after sex, we feel more

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Speaker 1: in love, but it's not actually love. We feel closer

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Speaker 1: chemically even though we're not closer emotionally. Additionally, the hormone

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Speaker 1: actually has a temporary blocking effect on negative memories. So

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Speaker 1: all those little things that were bothering you, or that

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Speaker 1: argument you had beforehand, or the worry you had that

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Speaker 1: they weren't right for you, which might have been a

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Speaker 1: major warning sign, could fade after sex. So if someone

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Speaker 1: pressures you into having sex and you go through with it,

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Speaker 1: chances are you'll forget that you were pressured into it.

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Speaker 1: Chances are you'll forget that you were unsure about them beforehand.

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Speaker 1: So when I interviewed husband and wife relationship experts John

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Speaker 1: and Julie Gottman on My podcast, and doctor Daniel Lam

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Speaker 1: has also been on the podcast. But John said that

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Speaker 1: oxytocin can be the hormone of bad judgment. He says,

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Speaker 1: you keep thinking it's going to be okay because the

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Speaker 1: hormone makes you feel safe and secure. You don't see

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Speaker 1: the red flags the person is sending saying I'm not trustworthy.

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Speaker 1: So I want you to be really careful at the

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Speaker 1: beginning of a relationship about how you feel about something

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Speaker 1: how quickly you have sex, not from a position of like,

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Speaker 1: I'm not saying like, hold it back, wait till this day, Like,

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Speaker 1: That's not the kind of advice I'm giving you. What

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Speaker 1: I'm trying to say to you is, if you have sex,

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Speaker 1: you're likely to have more positive feelings about this person

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Speaker 1: and forget the bad things about them during that time,

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Speaker 1: And so you don't want to be making decisions around

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Speaker 1: that time. Right, That's not the time you want to

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Speaker 1: be making those choices and making those decisions. So I

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Speaker 1: really want you to be reflective and thoughtful about that. Please, please,

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Speaker 1: please think about that for sure, all right. Number three

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Speaker 1: is someone is talking about moving in, marriage and kids.

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Speaker 1: Now again this feels like an exciting thing. Oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: don't want to move in with me? And I'm talking

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Speaker 1: about they talk about this too early marriage kids love

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Speaker 1: bombing Again from the Shanko study, twenty five percent women

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Speaker 1: need to seek therapy after they've been love bombed, right,

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Speaker 1: because it really makes you believe you're really special when

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Speaker 1: someone's like and I had a friend who literally just

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Speaker 1: went through this, Oh, let's move in. I can't wait.

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Speaker 1: Of kids, Oh my god, they'll be so cute. You're

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Speaker 1: having all these conversations so early on, and you don't

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Speaker 1: even know what country you want to live in, you

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Speaker 1: don't even know what you're doing with your own life,

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Speaker 1: you don't even know this person's family, and you're having

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Speaker 1: all these conversations. So I think this is a big one.

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Speaker 1: And this actually happens more during times of personal stress

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Speaker 1: and personal weakness. So listen to this. I've got a

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Speaker 1: couple of stories I want to share with you. Fresh

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Speaker 1: out of college, Caitlin Riley decided she was ready to

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Speaker 1: find love. So to meet someone, she joined a co

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Speaker 1: ed soccer team. Unfortunately, Caitlin says she didn't get a

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Speaker 1: lot of passes, tatious or otherwise. Finally, during one game,

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Speaker 1: a ball came her way. Seeing her opportunity to score

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Speaker 1: a goal, Caitlin went for it. Unfortunately, the ball ricocheted

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Speaker 1: and smacked her in the face. Her eye read and swollen.

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Speaker 1: Caitlyn went to ear and saw the on call doctor,

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Speaker 1: who told her she'd have to come in for daily

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Speaker 1: exams for a while to make sure the healing went well.

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Speaker 1: On that first meeting, something else happened. Caitlyn sensed a

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Speaker 1: little chemistry. Was it possible the young doctor was flirting

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Speaker 1: with her? Over several more visits and after a little

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Speaker 1: online research, Caitlyn decided the doctor could be the man

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Speaker 1: of her dreams and he was definitely into her right.

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Speaker 1: A few weeks later, at her last appointment, she decided

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Speaker 1: to ask her doctor out. Yeah, when the time came,

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Speaker 1: she got nervous, she fainted. Caitlin ended up being wheeled

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Speaker 1: to the ear and was so embarrassed she never asked

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Speaker 1: him out. But as she says, when it comes to love,

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Speaker 1: she's keeping her good eye open right now. The reason

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Speaker 1: I'm telling you that story is because in times of stress,

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Speaker 1: we get attracted to people, especially who are taking care

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Speaker 1: of us, who are supporting us, who are looking out

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Speaker 1: for us, and whether there was romantic chemistry or not,

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Speaker 1: there were more open to this idea of being love bombed.

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Speaker 1: Obviously that's a specific and extreme scenario, but you want

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Speaker 1: to think about when you're stressed, how you view the

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Speaker 1: person you're attracted to. Another story I wanted to tell

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Speaker 1: you about. Tasha and Andrew met at a healing workshop.

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Speaker 1: Tasha had crossed several states, and Andrew had flown in

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Speaker 1: from another country. During the intensive the two paired up

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Speaker 1: several times, and by the end they confessed their attraction

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Speaker 1: to one another. They made a plan to meet up

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Speaker 1: again in a city roughly halfway between where they lived.

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Speaker 1: They spent a magical long weekend together, and from there

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Speaker 1: they embarked on a passionate romance. Before long, Tasha moved

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Speaker 1: to Andrew's home country to be with him, and she

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Speaker 1: became pregnant. Not long after that, they were married. Unfortunately,

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Speaker 1: soon after their baby was born, the problems began. Tasha

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Speaker 1: began to suffer depression and feeling alone in her new

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Speaker 1: country and questioning her relationship with Andrew. She and their

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Speaker 1: child moved home unsure of whether Andrew would be joining them.

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Speaker 1: Eventually he did and they started couples counseling. Both of

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Speaker 1: those stories are an example of what can happen when

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Speaker 1: we meet during times of high emotional stress. In psychological terms,

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Speaker 1: transference is when a client or patient projects their emotions

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Speaker 1: and inner conflicts, sometimes related to a specific person in

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Speaker 1: their life, such as a parent or partner, onto a practitioner.

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Speaker 1: But we can experience projections of this kind in any

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Speaker 1: type of relationship. Right, Transference and similar types of projection

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Speaker 1: can also temporarily blind us to signs that the other

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Speaker 1: person isn't perhaps right for us, that the relationship could

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Speaker 1: be inappropriate, or that they will simply not be interested

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Speaker 1: in us in that way. So this is why in

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Speaker 1: my book I talk so deeply about solitude and the

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Speaker 1: power of being in a good place, not in the

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Speaker 1: perfect place, but being in a good place when you

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Speaker 1: get into a relationship, because now you're able to spot

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Speaker 1: these signs earlier. Right. Again, this doesn't mean you have

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Speaker 1: to break up with someone if they display this sign

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Speaker 1: or something like that, but so often we're actually turning

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Speaker 1: to someone out of weakness rather than a position of strength. Now,

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Speaker 1: the next one is Gaslighting number four, And for this one,

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Speaker 1: I want you to go listen to my episode with

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Speaker 1: doctor Ramany on the show. So I'm referencing three great

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Speaker 1: podcasts to go listen to after this one. Doctor Daniel

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Speaker 1: Aymon's been on the podcast maybe three or four times now.

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Speaker 1: All of them are great interviews. Then we've had John

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Speaker 1: and Julie Gottman who have been on the podcast once,

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Speaker 1: and doctor Romany who has been in the podcast. One

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Speaker 1: we did a masterclass on gaslighting, narcissism, and love bombing together.

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Speaker 1: Makes you go listen to that episode. I think a

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Speaker 1: lot of people are experiencing gaslighting more and more now,

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Speaker 1: and it comes from the other person's insecurity. It comes

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Speaker 1: from the other person's challenges, but end up leaving us

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Speaker 1: with insecurities and challenges. So the definition that's given by

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Speaker 1: Medical News today is that in relationships, an abusive person

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Speaker 1: may use gaslighting to isolate their partner, undermine their confidence,

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Speaker 1: and make them easier to control. For example, they might

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Speaker 1: tell someone they are irrational until the person starts to

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Speaker 1: think it must be true, right, so they make you

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Speaker 1: feel you have a particular weakness in order for them

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Speaker 1: to be more in control of that relationship makes you

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Speaker 1: go listen to the Doctor ramany episode all right. Number five,

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Speaker 1: someone who encourages you to give up your purpose, passion,

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Speaker 1: or your dreams. This one's huge because often you find

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Speaker 1: someone who's like, ah, don't worry about that, it's not

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Speaker 1: a big deal. Like, oh, that's okay. Maybe you're just

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Speaker 1: too ambitious, right, there's a bit of gaslighting there too.

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Speaker 1: You're too ambitious. There's no need for that, you know,

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Speaker 1: it's just not really you know, do you really want that? Like?

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Speaker 1: You know, it's that questioning, that doubting that comes in.

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Speaker 1: And I think it's so important for us to be

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Speaker 1: there as a support for our partners. So if you

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Speaker 1: find someone that supports your dreams versus gets insecure about

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Speaker 1: your dreams, that's the kind of person that you want

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Speaker 1: in your life. Again, I'm not telling you to break

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Speaker 1: up with this person, but it's to have this conversation

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Speaker 1: and say, hey, like, I've chased this because I really

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Speaker 1: believe in it. I really want this myself. Often a

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Speaker 1: partner can help you realize what you truly want something.

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Speaker 1: So sometimes this questioning is very helpful. If someone's saying

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Speaker 1: to you, like, do you really want to know, does

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Speaker 1: your parent want that? That's a great question that's helping

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Speaker 1: you reflect. And so the question you have to ask

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Speaker 1: yourself is this person telling me what to think? Or

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Speaker 1: are they telling me how to think? Right? If someone's

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Speaker 1: helping you learn how to think, that's different from them

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Speaker 1: telling you what to think. And that's the kind of

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Speaker 1: person that you want to help build in your life

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Speaker 1: and hopefully help reflect with them. In a twenty nineteen

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Speaker 1: piece for The Atlantic, Senior editor Julie Beck investigated what

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Speaker 1: it means to be ready a relationship. What she found

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Speaker 1: is that the meaning of the phrase varies widely and

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Speaker 1: is tough to pin down. However, results from Google's index

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Speaker 1: of search strings on printed materials shows that the term

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Speaker 1: first showed up in the nineteen fifties, but not until

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Speaker 1: the nineteen eighties did it rise to popularity. Today, it's everywhere.

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Speaker 1: Stephanie Koontz, a professor of history and family studies, told

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Speaker 1: back the timing of the word is just about perfectly

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Speaker 1: aligned with a sea change in people's conceptions of marriage.

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Speaker 1: It used to be that you got married in order

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Speaker 1: to grow up, settle down, start saving up for a

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Speaker 1: future home, move away from your teenage preoccupation with yourself

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00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:45,960
Speaker 1: and learn how to handle a relationship. Whereas many saw

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00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:49,800
Speaker 1: marriage as a cornerstone for building a happy and successful life,

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00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:54,159
Speaker 1: now it's viewed more as a capstone. Younger people are

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00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:57,200
Speaker 1: more apt to want to embark on a relationship when

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00:23:57,240 --> 00:24:00,399
Speaker 1: we feel we've checked off some of our individ vigual

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00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:02,919
Speaker 1: adulting goals. So it's almost like we got into a

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00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:06,040
Speaker 1: relationship in the past to become adults. Now it's almost

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00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:07,960
Speaker 1: like I want to date an adult, right, how many

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00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:09,119
Speaker 1: times have you ever said that, Like, I don't want

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00:24:09,119 --> 00:24:10,240
Speaker 1: to date a child. I don't want to be with

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00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:11,600
Speaker 1: a child. They don't want to be with a kid.

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00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:13,879
Speaker 1: I don't have to take care of someone as their parent.

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00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:16,840
Speaker 1: But that's how relationship started in the past and they evolve.

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00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:20,080
Speaker 1: Now we're expecting people to have done some self work

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00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:23,840
Speaker 1: before we get to that. So in this situation, what

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00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:28,000
Speaker 1: a relationship requires is a little bit of compassion and empathy.

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00:24:28,359 --> 00:24:31,160
Speaker 1: So if someone doesn't have the ability to be compassion

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00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:33,840
Speaker 1: and empathetic and you don't towards them, it becomes really

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00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:37,720
Speaker 1: challenging because you're expecting them to already be a complete

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00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:41,560
Speaker 1: person before they're even ready for it before they've even

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00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:44,640
Speaker 1: gone through what's needed. And this is that catch twenty two,

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00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:47,960
Speaker 1: because you want someone who's working on themselves is a

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00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:51,800
Speaker 1: work in progress, but isn't a masterpiece, right, Like, that's

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00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:54,240
Speaker 1: the idea that you're looking for someone who's on the

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00:24:54,359 --> 00:24:58,080
Speaker 1: path not perfect. If you're looking for perfection, it's going

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00:24:58,119 --> 00:25:00,480
Speaker 1: to be impossible, And if that person's looking for affection,

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00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:03,520
Speaker 1: it's impossible. But you're looking for someone who's on the

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00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:07,760
Speaker 1: path of self work and growth. That's a healthier thing

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00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:11,120
Speaker 1: to look for. Now. The next one is people who

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Speaker 1: talk about their exes now. According to a survey of

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00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:18,600
Speaker 1: a thousand people by Your Tango, seventy one percent said

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00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:23,160
Speaker 1: they still think about their X too much. Of single respondence,

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00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:26,480
Speaker 1: the number was eighty one percent, and more than half

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00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:29,639
Speaker 1: of single respondents said they think about their X so

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00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:32,680
Speaker 1: much it's keeping them from moving on. And it seems

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00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:37,000
Speaker 1: marriage doesn't solve X obsession either, says this study. Sixty

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00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:39,399
Speaker 1: percent of married folks said they think about an X

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00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:42,960
Speaker 1: too often, and thirty seven percent said it actually causes

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00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:46,520
Speaker 1: problems in their marriage. So you do want to be mindful.

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00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:47,920
Speaker 1: I think we live in a time right now. It's

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00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:50,439
Speaker 1: like Oh, everyone has exes. It's normal, of course it is.

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00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:52,880
Speaker 1: But if someone's still talking about their ex a lot

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00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:56,160
Speaker 1: comparing you to their X, fixated on how things were

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00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:58,399
Speaker 1: with their ex, even if they keep bringing it up

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00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:00,720
Speaker 1: in conversation and being like I didn't work out with

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00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:03,520
Speaker 1: my ex because of this, or oh, I'm still friends

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00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,600
Speaker 1: with my ex. Right. We want to be cool about

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00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:09,320
Speaker 1: these things, but it can cause challenges. And this is

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00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:13,560
Speaker 1: the part that really blew my mind that seventy percent

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00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:16,159
Speaker 1: of guys and seventy six percent of girls say they

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00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:19,199
Speaker 1: have searched for an X online. So a lot of

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00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:22,840
Speaker 1: us are still addicted to our exes, the ones that

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00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:26,840
Speaker 1: got away. Eighty six percent of survey respondents said they

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00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:30,560
Speaker 1: still look at photos of their ex. And so for

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00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:32,439
Speaker 1: those of us that want to be all cool and

485
00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:35,959
Speaker 1: act like nonchalant about our partner being friends with their X,

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00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:38,600
Speaker 1: it is definitely something that if you're worried about it,

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00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:41,280
Speaker 1: if you're anxious about it, it could be a big deal.

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00:26:41,359 --> 00:26:43,360
Speaker 1: And I don't just want you to pass it off

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00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:47,960
Speaker 1: because you think you're more cool or more easy if

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00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:51,240
Speaker 1: you don't make a thing out of it. Matches. Singles

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00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:54,119
Speaker 1: of America's survey found that half of men and forty

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00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:58,439
Speaker 1: two percent of women said they'd stay friends with an X. However,

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00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:02,040
Speaker 1: study by researchers from the University of Connecticut found that

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00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:04,679
Speaker 1: when people were friends with their X, they tended to

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00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:08,280
Speaker 1: not only have more romantic desires, but also more negative

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00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:12,359
Speaker 1: feelings towards their X than they had towards opposite sex

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00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:17,160
Speaker 1: friends they'd never dated. So the research suggests you can

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00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:20,120
Speaker 1: be friends with your ex, but it can be complicated.

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Speaker 1: I want to thank you for listening to today's episode.

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00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:25,560
Speaker 1: I hope it gave you a ton of great insights

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00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:28,160
Speaker 1: when you're talking about this topic to your friends. It's

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00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:30,199
Speaker 1: such a big theme, and of course I'd love for

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Speaker 1: you to get my new book, Eight Rules of Love

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00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:35,480
Speaker 1: from eight Rules of Love dot com. Thank you so much.