2
00:00:03,360 --> 00:00:06,360
Speaker 1: living a life of well being? Are you interested in

3
00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:10,760
Speaker 1: universal wisdom and spirituality? If you answered yes to any

4
00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:14,360
Speaker 1: of these questions, I think you'd love my personal newsletter,

5
00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:18,599
Speaker 1: Weekly Wisdom. I've been sending it out every Thursday for

6
00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:21,959
Speaker 1: the last four years. I cover a wide variety of

7
00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:26,920
Speaker 1: topics that contribute to our daily wellbeing and happiness. Relationships,

8
00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:33,680
Speaker 1: self love, spirituality, confidence, work and career, heartbreak, emotional intelligence,

9
00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:37,279
Speaker 1: and so much more. The goal here is simple. I

10
00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:39,600
Speaker 1: want you to be able to read this newsletter every

11
00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:43,120
Speaker 1: week and feel a little better about whatever you're going

12
00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:46,000
Speaker 1: through in your life and a little more healed from

13
00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,839
Speaker 1: the things that have hurt you in the past. If

14
00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:51,880
Speaker 1: I write just one sentence that helps you in any way,

15
00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:54,960
Speaker 1: then I will have done my job well. If you'd

16
00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:58,760
Speaker 1: like to start receiving my newsletter in your inbox every Thursday,

17
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:04,080
Speaker 1: just go to Jayshetty newsletter dot com. That's Jayshetty newsletter

18
00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:08,280
Speaker 1: dot com. The newsletter is one hundred percent free, and

19
00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:11,840
Speaker 1: you can unsubscribe at any time. I hope you'll join

20
00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:15,960
Speaker 1: me on this journey, sending you so much love. You

21
00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:19,800
Speaker 1: know you're with the right person when they don't rely

22
00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:23,160
Speaker 1: on you for everything and you don't rely on them

23
00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:27,280
Speaker 1: for everything. They love the fact that you have other friends,

24
00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:31,319
Speaker 1: other connections, family members that you open your heart to,

25
00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:35,080
Speaker 1: and you respect the fact that they have people in

26
00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:38,600
Speaker 1: their life that they turn to. You don't feel insecure

27
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:41,560
Speaker 1: about the fact that they open their heart to someone

28
00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:44,840
Speaker 1: else about you, and they don't feel upset about the

29
00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:47,960
Speaker 1: fact that you may share your heart with someone else,

30
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:51,480
Speaker 1: because what you truly want is for you and the

31
00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:57,120
Speaker 1: other person to feel supported, feel cared for, and ultimately

32
00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:00,280
Speaker 1: that you both want what's best for each other. The

33
00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:09,560
Speaker 1: Number one Health and Wellness Podcast, Jay Shetty, Jay SHETTYLYJ Shetty, Hey, everyone,

34
00:02:09,639 --> 00:02:12,680
Speaker 1: welcome back to On Purpose. Thank you so much for

35
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:16,639
Speaker 1: tuning in to another episode with me, your host, Jay Shetty.

36
00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:20,200
Speaker 1: I am so grateful, so honored, and so happy that

37
00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:24,320
Speaker 1: you chose to spend the next just under thirty minutes

38
00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:28,120
Speaker 1: with me for one of our workshops, and today's session

39
00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:32,480
Speaker 1: is all about want to do if you're still not

40
00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:37,560
Speaker 1: over your ex. It might have been ten hours, it

41
00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:42,200
Speaker 1: might be ten days, maybe it's ten months, or maybe

42
00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:47,120
Speaker 1: it's even ten years, and you're still not over your ex.

43
00:02:47,639 --> 00:02:51,079
Speaker 1: You keep checking them out on Instagram. You're always asking

44
00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:55,000
Speaker 1: your friends about what they're up to. Maybe you even

45
00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:58,520
Speaker 1: go back and look at their Facebook account. Whatever it is.

46
00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:04,560
Speaker 1: Your still obsessed, you're still connected, and you're not able

47
00:03:04,639 --> 00:03:07,200
Speaker 1: to truly move on. And when I talk about moving on,

48
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:10,600
Speaker 1: there's two types of moving on. One type of moving

49
00:03:10,639 --> 00:03:12,320
Speaker 1: on is the type of moving on what we say

50
00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:15,079
Speaker 1: we've moved on when people ask us, we say, yeah,

51
00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:17,600
Speaker 1: of course I've moved on. It's been ten years, there's

52
00:03:17,639 --> 00:03:20,679
Speaker 1: been ten months, Come on, I'm over it. And then

53
00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:25,080
Speaker 1: there's the moving on where the person becomes such a

54
00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:29,680
Speaker 1: distant memory that we feel like it was another lifetime,

55
00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:33,080
Speaker 1: like they were with a completely different version of us,

56
00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:36,640
Speaker 1: and that that part of us doesn't even exist anymore.

57
00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:39,440
Speaker 1: And a lot of us want to get to that

58
00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:44,320
Speaker 1: second place. That sounds enticing, It sounds exhilarating to think

59
00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:46,360
Speaker 1: that maybe I could get to a point one day

60
00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:51,560
Speaker 1: where the person feels like a distant memory. But I'm

61
00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:55,880
Speaker 1: here to tell you this, it's absolutely normal to feel

62
00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:59,480
Speaker 1: like you're not over your ex. It doesn't make you weak,

63
00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:03,120
Speaker 1: it doesn't make you someone who's got it all wrong.

64
00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:05,440
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that you don't have a future, it

65
00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:09,000
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you never get over them. But it's extremely,

66
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:14,560
Speaker 1: extremely normal. And there's a lot of people who after

67
00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:19,839
Speaker 1: experiencing a breakup can actually get sick, they can feel depressed,

68
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:25,440
Speaker 1: and research shows that that level of pain can actually

69
00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:29,120
Speaker 1: be justified. It can actually be really difficult to move

70
00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:35,040
Speaker 1: on from those feelings. And according to neuroethicist Nicole Vincent,

71
00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:39,320
Speaker 1: the emotions you feel and build on in a relationship

72
00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:44,040
Speaker 1: are brought about by a range of different neurochemicals. Now,

73
00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:47,680
Speaker 1: this study blew my mind when I first read about it,

74
00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:52,240
Speaker 1: So listen to this carefully. Some of the things that

75
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:58,040
Speaker 1: you experience when you end a relationship are not dissimilar

76
00:04:58,279 --> 00:05:02,839
Speaker 1: to the withdrawal from drugs and drug addiction. Take a

77
00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:08,440
Speaker 1: second to recognize that detoxing from drugs and disconnecting from

78
00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:13,320
Speaker 1: an individual can have some similar experiences. When you're destoxing

79
00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:17,160
Speaker 1: from drugs, you almost feel this connection to this thing,

80
00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:20,000
Speaker 1: and when you're disconnecting from a human, you feel like

81
00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:24,240
Speaker 1: you're actually craving them, right, they can be this craving,

82
00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:29,360
Speaker 1: this yearning, this seeking, this searching, this wanting, and that's

83
00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:33,360
Speaker 1: actually quite normal. Now, This statement is also supported by

84
00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:38,520
Speaker 1: Professor Paxinos, who says the suspicion is that some of

85
00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:42,719
Speaker 1: the same chemicals that are involved in other neural rewards

86
00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:47,560
Speaker 1: such as eating, are engaged, and presumably something like the

87
00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:51,720
Speaker 1: withdrawal from drugs is happening when the person loses the

88
00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:57,160
Speaker 1: loved one. That's what he says. Now. Vincent categorizes relationship

89
00:05:57,240 --> 00:06:02,560
Speaker 1: emotions into attraction, which brings up chemistry and those types

90
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:08,000
Speaker 1: of feelings and attachment and affection and attachment and affection.

91
00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:14,520
Speaker 1: He says, we're actually created from an evolutionary perspective to

92
00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:18,320
Speaker 1: keep couples together so that they would actually stay together

93
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:22,800
Speaker 1: until the children were old enough to live by themselves.

94
00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:26,760
Speaker 1: Fascinating to think about it from an evolutionary standpoint. Our

95
00:06:26,839 --> 00:06:30,680
Speaker 1: chemicals were designed so that we would stay together, so

96
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:34,800
Speaker 1: that the kids we have would be adults who could

97
00:06:34,839 --> 00:06:38,400
Speaker 1: take care of themselves. Now that blows my mind because

98
00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:40,640
Speaker 1: it just shows us that when you go through a breakup,

99
00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:44,839
Speaker 1: you're now dealing with this extreme breakdown of chemicals. So

100
00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:48,320
Speaker 1: now I'm hoping you have compassion for yourself, you have

101
00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:51,200
Speaker 1: empathy for yourself. You also have compassion and empathy for

102
00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:53,360
Speaker 1: maybe your friend who just doesn't get over that breakup,

103
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:55,480
Speaker 1: and you keep looking at them, going, come on, get

104
00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:58,159
Speaker 1: over it now. It's been a time. Right. Maybe you

105
00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:01,440
Speaker 1: even sent this to a friend because you're like, hey,

106
00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:03,520
Speaker 1: I think it's about time you got over that breakup. Well,

107
00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:08,159
Speaker 1: this is the reality of how difficult it is, and

108
00:07:08,279 --> 00:07:11,720
Speaker 1: due to the fact that humans are now living much longer,

109
00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:18,240
Speaker 1: that attachment and affection actually stops earlier, which is why

110
00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:23,400
Speaker 1: we experience more breakups. Now, this is really really important

111
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:27,840
Speaker 1: because what Vincent points out is that if someone's addicted

112
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:32,800
Speaker 1: to drugs, one of the biggest changes required is their circumstances,

113
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:39,320
Speaker 1: their surroundings, their environment. And I think this is something

114
00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:43,640
Speaker 1: we often underestimate. We often underestimate how much a change

115
00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:47,760
Speaker 1: of scenery can change our lives, especially when that scenery

116
00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:54,560
Speaker 1: is connected to memories, feelings, and emotions. So actually going

117
00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:58,480
Speaker 1: away for a vacation, taking a three day break, taking

118
00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:00,840
Speaker 1: seven days, and going in living with your friend who

119
00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:03,560
Speaker 1: just moved to the other side of the city or

120
00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:05,960
Speaker 1: moved to the other side of the country can be

121
00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:10,520
Speaker 1: massively beneficial. Right. If you've gone through a breakup and

122
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:12,440
Speaker 1: you're finding it hard to shake it off, it's so

123
00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:16,080
Speaker 1: important to change your surroundings, to change your environment, and

124
00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:19,680
Speaker 1: so many of us underestimate the power of what that

125
00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:24,280
Speaker 1: can actually do. Now, listen to this, because I'm sure

126
00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:27,840
Speaker 1: all of you've seen this before, that places can trigger

127
00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:32,920
Speaker 1: bad memories because the brain associates the place with a

128
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:37,640
Speaker 1: traumatic event or an unpleasant experience. Now, in the dating sense,

129
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:41,400
Speaker 1: it might actually trigger a positive memory. Right maybe you

130
00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:44,600
Speaker 1: always used to go to this one restaurant for dinner.

131
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:47,120
Speaker 1: Maybe you used to always go to this one theater.

132
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:51,760
Speaker 1: Maybe you had your first date on this one street,

133
00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:54,679
Speaker 1: whatever it may be. Right now, whenever you're on that road,

134
00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:58,800
Speaker 1: whenever you're in that restaurant, whenever you're going into that store,

135
00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:03,920
Speaker 1: you're thinking of this person. And that now creates that

136
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:09,320
Speaker 1: positive memory, creates negative emotions, the negative emotion of I'll

137
00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:12,199
Speaker 1: never have that again, or how amazing it used to

138
00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:16,240
Speaker 1: be or how wonderful it was. And research shows that

139
00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:23,439
Speaker 1: the brain stores sensory stimuli from events such as sights, sounds,

140
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:28,480
Speaker 1: and smells, and when these sensory triggers are experienced again,

141
00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:33,720
Speaker 1: the brain can actually reactivate the feelings associated with it.

142
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:38,160
Speaker 1: So if there was your favorite pastor or pizza that

143
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,760
Speaker 1: you used to have together and now you smell it

144
00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:43,240
Speaker 1: again and all of a sudden, it reminds you of

145
00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:47,560
Speaker 1: that same emotion and experience, right, And we all go

146
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:50,760
Speaker 1: through this, but we don't think about changing these simple things.

147
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:55,120
Speaker 1: Changing our environment changes our experience. Like let me give

148
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:57,440
Speaker 1: an example. It's nasty, but I have to be honest

149
00:09:57,480 --> 00:10:00,440
Speaker 1: with you. I remember once going on a flight and

150
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,720
Speaker 1: it was a long flight, like maybe it was like

151
00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:05,200
Speaker 1: ten hours. I think I was going from LA to

152
00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:08,400
Speaker 1: London or something like that, and I ended up having

153
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,760
Speaker 1: a tight green curry on the plane, and I think

154
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:14,080
Speaker 1: you already know where this is going. I had the

155
00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:18,960
Speaker 1: worst food poisoning pretty much immediately after we had the meal,

156
00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:21,120
Speaker 1: like when we just got on the flight, and for

157
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:24,920
Speaker 1: the next seven to eight hours. It was not cute.

158
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:27,000
Speaker 1: That's all I'm going to say. It was not cute.

159
00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:31,480
Speaker 1: And I must have visited the restroom like twenty times,

160
00:10:31,520 --> 00:10:33,520
Speaker 1: and I felt terrible for everyone else as well. I

161
00:10:33,559 --> 00:10:37,960
Speaker 1: apologize if you were on that flight. Now what happened was,

162
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:42,040
Speaker 1: I'm not kidding you, And I was just constantly I

163
00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:45,120
Speaker 1: remember shivering and I was like, I need them to

164
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:48,360
Speaker 1: bring me blankets and they had to, you know, they

165
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:50,400
Speaker 1: kind of believed me. By the end of the flight

166
00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:53,520
Speaker 1: one hour before I remember rather holding the sit bag

167
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:56,600
Speaker 1: for me to throw up next to me. And the

168
00:10:56,679 --> 00:10:58,720
Speaker 1: reason I'm telling you all of this is literally, for

169
00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:01,560
Speaker 1: the next week, whenever I got on a plane, I

170
00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:05,680
Speaker 1: felt sick, and till this day, this was probably like

171
00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:09,240
Speaker 1: five years ago, till this day, I can't eat Ti

172
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:13,439
Speaker 1: green curry. That's how the brain messes with environments, right,

173
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:17,160
Speaker 1: That's literally how it works. I genuinely never want to

174
00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:18,960
Speaker 1: be around a Ti Green curry if you invite me

175
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:22,440
Speaker 1: over for dinner, No Ti green curry, right, And I

176
00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:24,120
Speaker 1: like Tai food, So it's got nothing to do with that.

177
00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:28,599
Speaker 1: But my memory now of that experience that sent the

178
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:32,280
Speaker 1: look everything is from that flight. That's what our brain's

179
00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:35,120
Speaker 1: doing in a really deep way. When it comes to

180
00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:37,600
Speaker 1: a pain or a pleasure that we shared with this person.

181
00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:41,800
Speaker 1: We have the pleasurable memories, and we then have pain

182
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:48,520
Speaker 1: because of the pleasurable memories. So changing our environment is everything.

183
00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:52,240
Speaker 1: There's a reason why we say block the account on

184
00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:56,160
Speaker 1: social media, unfollow, right, don't go hang out with the

185
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:59,280
Speaker 1: same group of friends, don't go drive past their house,

186
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:02,160
Speaker 1: don't go I've passed the where they work. Don't go

187
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:04,360
Speaker 1: and hang out at the places you usually go onto

188
00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:09,120
Speaker 1: because all of it will trigger some pleasurable memory, which

189
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:12,559
Speaker 1: then will create an unpleasant feeling because it reminds you

190
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:15,240
Speaker 1: of that which you don't have anymore. It's as simple

191
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:19,959
Speaker 1: as that. Break that pattern, break your habits, right, It's

192
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:23,280
Speaker 1: so important to break that pattern, break that pattern of

193
00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:25,600
Speaker 1: where you're traveling, break that pattern of what you're listening to,

194
00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:30,960
Speaker 1: break that pattern of what you see, hear, smell, taste, everything.

195
00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:33,880
Speaker 1: It's going to break that mental pattern that you've got

196
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:40,640
Speaker 1: lost into. Okay, I am so excited about this because

197
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:45,160
Speaker 1: we've got the first ever merch drop for On Purpose.

198
00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:49,280
Speaker 1: It's finally here and for World Mental Health. Today we're

199
00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:53,880
Speaker 1: doing an exclusive limited edition drop with all the proceeds

200
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:58,280
Speaker 1: going to the National Alliance on Mental Illness NAMI. So

201
00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:00,840
Speaker 1: now you can wear You're on Purpose merch, listen to

202
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:04,040
Speaker 1: the podcast and know that you two are having an impact.

203
00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:06,160
Speaker 1: I want to thank you so much in advance. I

204
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,920
Speaker 1: can't wait to see all of your pictures wearing the merch.

205
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:12,680
Speaker 1: Their's sweatshirts, a hat, t shirts. Check it out on

206
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:19,000
Speaker 1: our website. Jshetdyshop dot com. That's jshettshop dot com. And

207
00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:25,480
Speaker 1: remember one hundred percent of the proceeds go to Nami. Now,

208
00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:28,080
Speaker 1: the other thing that we have to do after changing

209
00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:31,280
Speaker 1: our environment, which by the way, I'm just really laying

210
00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:32,920
Speaker 1: into because I don't think we do it enough. I

211
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:35,360
Speaker 1: think we say it, we hear it, and then we

212
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:37,559
Speaker 1: keep doing the same thing, going to the same places.

213
00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:43,360
Speaker 1: But after that, we have to identify what we're missing,

214
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:47,560
Speaker 1: and we have to identify whether it's a habit or

215
00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:51,679
Speaker 1: an emotion. Right now, think about that. Sometimes what we're

216
00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:54,760
Speaker 1: missing is the fact that every night at eight pm,

217
00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:57,079
Speaker 1: that's the person we used to call first thing in

218
00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,560
Speaker 1: the morning, that was the first person we texted. That's

219
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:03,400
Speaker 1: a habit. We built up a habit, and now our

220
00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:07,120
Speaker 1: mind reminds us of that habit in that moment every

221
00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:11,160
Speaker 1: single time. So when it hits eight pm, we're waiting

222
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:14,160
Speaker 1: for that call, we're now feeling all the emotions of

223
00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:18,680
Speaker 1: not receiving that call, not hearing that person's voice, not

224
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:21,720
Speaker 1: hearing them say whatever we used to love hearing them say.

225
00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:23,360
Speaker 1: And in the morning when we wake up, we don't

226
00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:26,760
Speaker 1: have that morning message. That's a habit. That we're missing.

227
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:28,800
Speaker 1: And what we have to do is we have to

228
00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:34,480
Speaker 1: replace that habit. Otherwise our mind will simply spiral. Our

229
00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:37,720
Speaker 1: mind will go round and round and round and round

230
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:43,120
Speaker 1: again and again and again because that habit is not fulfilled. Right.

231
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:46,280
Speaker 1: It's as if if you expected the episode of the

232
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:49,120
Speaker 1: podcast to drop and you were just sitting there pressing refresh.

233
00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:51,360
Speaker 1: You were waiting for the next episode on Netflix to

234
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:53,160
Speaker 1: come on. For some reason, there was a glitch and

235
00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:56,960
Speaker 1: you just kept pressing refresh. Right, That's what our mind does.

236
00:14:57,000 --> 00:15:01,160
Speaker 1: It keeps pressing refresh and then nothing changes. Is because

237
00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:04,000
Speaker 1: that person's not magically going to call. And now that

238
00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:07,320
Speaker 1: habit is a cause for pain. We have to replace

239
00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:09,280
Speaker 1: that habit. Who are you going to text instead in

240
00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:12,080
Speaker 1: the morning? Right? Who else are you going to ask

241
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:13,880
Speaker 1: and say? Can you please text me in the morning

242
00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:16,120
Speaker 1: so I have a text to look forward to. Who

243
00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:18,160
Speaker 1: are you going to call instead at eight pm? We

244
00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:22,840
Speaker 1: have to find a replacement, a substitute for that habit,

245
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:26,480
Speaker 1: because otherwise that habit will turn into a spiral. Now,

246
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:29,880
Speaker 1: it may be an emotion that we miss. Maybe it

247
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:32,640
Speaker 1: is that you felt cared for. Maybe that person made

248
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:36,240
Speaker 1: you feel adventurous, maybe that person made you feel confident.

249
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:40,720
Speaker 1: It's an emotional exchange that way. Maybe we've lost We

250
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:45,120
Speaker 1: have to go and find that emotional exchange from ourselves,

251
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:49,600
Speaker 1: from someone else in our life and from an activity. Right.

252
00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:54,880
Speaker 1: Going to create adventurous places, going to try out the

253
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:57,320
Speaker 1: reason why people say things like try a new class,

254
00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:59,720
Speaker 1: go to pottery class, try a new trainer, go to

255
00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:02,520
Speaker 1: a new jim work on yourself. It's really not the

256
00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:05,600
Speaker 1: work on yourself. It's the fact that you're getting to

257
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:09,880
Speaker 1: experience that emotion from somewhere else. You're building your confidence

258
00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:14,520
Speaker 1: rather than waiting for them to say you're confident. Right,

259
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:18,520
Speaker 1: You're building your own confidence and your own belief in

260
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:21,480
Speaker 1: who you are, then letting someone else validate it. Let

261
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,720
Speaker 1: me do it. You're building your own confidence and belief in

262
00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:29,320
Speaker 1: yourself then letting someone else validate it. So identify. Are

263
00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:32,680
Speaker 1: you missing in habit and replace it? Are you missing

264
00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:37,280
Speaker 1: an emotion? Substitute it? These are great techniques and tools

265
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:40,000
Speaker 1: for you for the long term, even after a breakup.

266
00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:42,560
Speaker 1: I often ask people to write down a list of

267
00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:47,760
Speaker 1: what they really want in life. Emotions that you want, adventure, excitement, surprise,

268
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,720
Speaker 1: whatever it may be, and ask yourself, who in your

269
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:53,160
Speaker 1: life gives you that and if you keep drawing it

270
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:55,560
Speaker 1: to the same person or to no one, go and

271
00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:58,720
Speaker 1: build a new relationship that gives you that right. There

272
00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:02,000
Speaker 1: are certain friends that I know, oh are amazing for adventure.

273
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:05,000
Speaker 1: There are other friends that I know that are grateful vulnerability.

274
00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:08,000
Speaker 1: There are other friends that I know that are great

275
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:10,239
Speaker 1: to listen to me and hear me out. There are

276
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:13,040
Speaker 1: different friends for different things, and I think so many

277
00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:15,520
Speaker 1: of us either rely on the same people for everything

278
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:19,360
Speaker 1: or we rely on ourselves for everything. You know you're

279
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:23,199
Speaker 1: with the right person when they don't rely on you

280
00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:26,880
Speaker 1: for everything and you don't rely on them for everything.

281
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:31,520
Speaker 1: They love the fact that you have other friends, other connections,

282
00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:35,400
Speaker 1: family members that you open your heart to, and you

283
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:38,639
Speaker 1: respect the fact that they have people in their life

284
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:42,040
Speaker 1: that they turn to. You don't feel insecure about the

285
00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:45,280
Speaker 1: fact that they open their heart to someone else about you,

286
00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:49,080
Speaker 1: and they don't feel upset about the fact that you

287
00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,919
Speaker 1: may share your heart with someone else, because what you

288
00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:56,080
Speaker 1: truly want is for you and the other person to

289
00:17:56,160 --> 00:18:01,440
Speaker 1: feel supported, feel cared for, and ultimately that you both

290
00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:03,800
Speaker 1: want what's best for each other. I think one of

291
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:06,600
Speaker 1: the biggest things that we miss out on is that

292
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:09,440
Speaker 1: when you keep ruminating, when you keep spiraling, when you

293
00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:12,120
Speaker 1: keep going around and around in circles, what you're doing

294
00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:15,199
Speaker 1: is you're going deeper and deeper into what you don't have,

295
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:17,560
Speaker 1: and what you end up doing is taking up a

296
00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:21,560
Speaker 1: lot of mental space, a lot of energy that is

297
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:26,720
Speaker 1: taken away now from new things and new opportunities. When

298
00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:30,040
Speaker 1: we use our mental space to think about could have,

299
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:33,240
Speaker 1: would have? Should have? What if? If? This? If that,

300
00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:37,760
Speaker 1: what we're doing is we're stealing time from a new person.

301
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:43,800
Speaker 1: We're stealing space from a new opportunity, We're stealing energy

302
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:49,080
Speaker 1: from a new life. Why would you ever steal from yourself?

303
00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:54,520
Speaker 1: When we're more obsessed with the past rather than focused

304
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:58,600
Speaker 1: on the opportunities of the present, we're stealing from ourselves.

305
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:04,160
Speaker 1: We're stealing time, we're stealing energy, We're stealing growth. Don't

306
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:06,680
Speaker 1: be a thief in your own life. Don't steal from

307
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:09,240
Speaker 1: your own heart. That's what we have to realize we're

308
00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:12,440
Speaker 1: doing when we're obsessed with an X. We're stealing from

309
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:16,560
Speaker 1: our own life while they're building theirs. We're stealing from

310
00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:21,800
Speaker 1: our own energy while they're sharing theirs. We're stealing from

311
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:25,960
Speaker 1: our future while they're living there present. Don't let a

312
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:32,000
Speaker 1: breakup break your connection with yourself. Focus on what actions

313
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:34,600
Speaker 1: you can take to build right, you will be less

314
00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:38,080
Speaker 1: focused on the breakup if you're more focused on building.

315
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:40,840
Speaker 1: Does that make sense? We get so obsessed with a

316
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:44,640
Speaker 1: breakup that we forget to build, We forget to create,

317
00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:49,040
Speaker 1: we forget to organize, we forget to develop. That's the

318
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:52,280
Speaker 1: opposite of breaking up. The opposite of breaking is building.

319
00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:55,240
Speaker 1: What are you building? Are you building your career? Are

320
00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:59,280
Speaker 1: you building yourself? Are you putting the energy into building something?

321
00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:02,600
Speaker 1: Trying to manage the breakup? But what ends up happening

322
00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:04,199
Speaker 1: if you're trying to manage the breakup is you just

323
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:07,560
Speaker 1: fall deeper into the breakup. The breakup is something that

324
00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:14,600
Speaker 1: has to, to some degree naturally, over time, be replaced

325
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:17,960
Speaker 1: by what you're building. It gets healed by building. If

326
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:20,000
Speaker 1: you just stay focused on the breakup for a long

327
00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:24,520
Speaker 1: period of time, you actually take energy away from building. Now,

328
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:27,720
Speaker 1: if you're still not over your ex I want you

329
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:33,680
Speaker 1: to know that you're not weak, you're not behind, and

330
00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:38,800
Speaker 1: you have to remember that everyone who is today in

331
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:42,800
Speaker 1: a happy relationship once felt that they wouldn't get over

332
00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:45,359
Speaker 1: their ex It's such a natural feeling. It's such a

333
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:49,840
Speaker 1: natural emotion, it's so real and true. And everyone that

334
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:53,520
Speaker 1: you see today that has the life that you may

335
00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:56,120
Speaker 1: want one day, at one point in their life felt

336
00:20:56,119 --> 00:20:58,920
Speaker 1: that way about someone they went out with. And sometimes

337
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:01,600
Speaker 1: the reason why it's so hard is we feel we

338
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:04,439
Speaker 1: missed out on someone who is perfect for us. We

339
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:08,280
Speaker 1: missed out on someone who we feel had everything we

340
00:21:08,359 --> 00:21:11,959
Speaker 1: ever wanted. But here's the thing, they didn't have the

341
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:16,600
Speaker 1: one most important thing that you want, and that is

342
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:22,320
Speaker 1: they didn't want what you wanted. You can want someone

343
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:28,720
Speaker 1: all you want. Someone can have everything you want, someone

344
00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:33,359
Speaker 1: can be everything you want. But if they don't want

345
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:37,359
Speaker 1: what you want with them, they're not for you. They're

346
00:21:37,359 --> 00:21:41,520
Speaker 1: not yours. If they don't want you, it doesn't matter

347
00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:44,520
Speaker 1: how much they have everything that you want. And I

348
00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:48,240
Speaker 1: promise you that that's the key part of a relationship.

349
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:51,440
Speaker 1: When someone truly wants to be with you, when someone

350
00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:54,600
Speaker 1: truly wants to care for you, it doesn't matter how

351
00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:58,680
Speaker 1: many amazing skills, abilities, qualities someone has. If they don't

352
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:02,160
Speaker 1: deeply want you, it will never have worked, it would

353
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:05,360
Speaker 1: never have flourished, It will never have thrived. I want

354
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:07,760
Speaker 1: to thank you so much for listening to today. I

355
00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:10,320
Speaker 1: hope you'll share this with a friend who's really struggling.

356
00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:13,680
Speaker 1: I know that this can be really heartbreaking and painful,

357
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:16,400
Speaker 1: and I hope you'll pass this along. I also hope

358
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:19,359
Speaker 1: you'll leave a review, because so many of you have

359
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:23,800
Speaker 1: left so many beautiful ones. This was one recently that said,

360
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:27,080
Speaker 1: this is an amazing podcast with great information to help

361
00:22:27,119 --> 00:22:30,280
Speaker 1: with any mental health challenges you're facing. Thank you so

362
00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:34,480
Speaker 1: much for sharing that. This one said this podcast emphasizes

363
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:38,000
Speaker 1: just being there and alongside them is the most important

364
00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:42,600
Speaker 1: thing you can do to build resilient humans. What wonderful insight.

365
00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:46,600
Speaker 1: Thanks so much. This one's really beautiful too as well.

366
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,320
Speaker 1: I have been watching this show for years and it

367
00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:53,080
Speaker 1: has helped me so much throughout those years and continues

368
00:22:53,119 --> 00:22:56,040
Speaker 1: to do so. I look forward to watching and listening

369
00:22:56,240 --> 00:23:01,320
Speaker 1: every single week. Thank you so much with these incredible,

370
00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:05,439
Speaker 1: incredible reviews. Please go ahead and leave reviews if you

371
00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:07,240
Speaker 1: have a chance to as well. It makes a huge

372
00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:10,040
Speaker 1: difference to podcasts. Thank you again for listening. I'm so

373
00:23:10,119 --> 00:23:14,000
Speaker 1: grateful to you, and remember forever in your corner and

374
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:17,800
Speaker 1: always rooting for you. Thank you. If you love this episode,

375
00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:22,320
Speaker 1: you'll love my interview with Dr Gabor Matte on understanding

376
00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:26,240
Speaker 1: your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start

377
00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:29,240
Speaker 1: moving on from the past. Everything in nature grows only

378
00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:31,920
Speaker 1: where it's vulnerable. So a tree doesn't go o where

379
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:33,840
Speaker 1: it's hard and thick, does it. It goes where it's

380
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:35,560
Speaker 1: soft and green and vulnerable.