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Speaker 1: to come with all their flaws, their baggage that challenges

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Speaker 1: their trauma. But it is up to you and that

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Speaker 1: person to figure out whether you're willing to do that

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Speaker 1: work in order to make that person a soul, in

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Speaker 1: order to make that person the one. Hey, everyone, welcome

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Speaker 1: back to on Purpose, the number one health podcast in

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Speaker 1: the world. Thanks to each and every one of you

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Speaker 1: that come back every week to listen, learn and grow Now.

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Speaker 1: January was our biggest month of all time listens on

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Speaker 1: the podcast, thanks to each and every one of you.

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Speaker 1: It's amazing. We were literally at number five in the US,

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Speaker 1: always in the top ten to fifteen in the whole

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Speaker 1: world across categories. And that's because of each and every

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Speaker 1: single one of you that keep coming back. And it

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Speaker 1: means the world to me that we're only growing, we're

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Speaker 1: only meeting more people, we're only connecting with more of you,

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Speaker 1: and you're sharing it, and you're spreading this and you're

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Speaker 1: passing it on to your friends. And this week I

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Speaker 1: bumped into a few of you at a premiere and

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Speaker 1: I was just blown away by just a love and

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Speaker 1: the genuineness. If you ever see me anywhere. Please please

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Speaker 1: please come and say hello, Please come and give me

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Speaker 1: a big hug. I mean on purpose at this point

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Speaker 1: is family is community, and so thank you to each

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Speaker 1: and every single one of you. Now Monday is Valentine's Day.

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Speaker 1: I had to do an episode dedicated to love, and

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Speaker 1: today's episode is about the eleven principles I've learned about

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Speaker 1: love for twenty twenty two. These are new principles ideas

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Speaker 1: that I've been grappling with, things I've been thinking about.

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Speaker 1: And if you're someone who's been working on your relationship recently,

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Speaker 1: if you're someone who's looking for love this year, if

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Speaker 1: you're someone who's coming out of a breakup or coming

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Speaker 1: out of a tough situation, I definitely want you to

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Speaker 1: listen to this episode and pass it on to a

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Speaker 1: friend who may actually need some of the insight and

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Speaker 1: advice that's inside this particular session. So let's get going

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Speaker 1: right away now. Recently I was doing a few interviews

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Speaker 1: sharing my exciting new partnership and collaboration with Calm. I've

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Speaker 1: joined as the chief Purpose Officer. I'm an equity owner.

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Speaker 1: I'm guiding the company from a chief purpose officer point

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Speaker 1: of view. And I was doing some interviews with people

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Speaker 1: that had connected with digitally over the pandemic but never met,

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Speaker 1: and one of those people was Drew Barrymore. Now, Drew

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Speaker 1: Barrymore is an absolute dream. She was amazing. Her energy

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Speaker 1: in person was even more incredible than it's been over

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Speaker 1: messaging and texting and dming, and I'm so grateful that

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Speaker 1: I finally got to meet her. And I went on

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Speaker 1: her show in New York and in the show, they

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Speaker 1: do this segment where they react to news headlines. So

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Speaker 1: they'll take headlines from the news and then me and

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Speaker 1: her and everyone else we have to react to these

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Speaker 1: new headlines. Now, one of the news headlines really got

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Speaker 1: me thinking. The headline was our soulmates real? Right, our

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Speaker 1: soulmates Real? And the first thing that came to my mind,

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Speaker 1: which I said in the interview, was that I believe

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Speaker 1: that a soulmate is a mate that helps you find

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Speaker 1: your soul. And therefore, I think we have lots of

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Speaker 1: soulmates at different times in our life that directly or

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Speaker 1: indirectly help us find parts of our soul. And this

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Speaker 1: really got me thinking about this concept of soulmate and

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Speaker 1: where it comes from. Now, I was reading a great

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Speaker 1: article which was looking at Marist Pole, and it was

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Speaker 1: saying that seven three percent of Americans believe in soulmates,

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Speaker 1: and more men than women believe that they're destined to

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Speaker 1: find their one true soulmate. Males seventy four percent and

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Speaker 1: female seventy one percent, and seventy nine percent of people

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Speaker 1: younger than forty five believe in soulmates, while only sixty

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Speaker 1: nine percent of those over forty five do. Now, I

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Speaker 1: don't know if this is surprising to you. I don't

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Speaker 1: know if you look at it and go, yeah, that

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Speaker 1: makes sense, that's exactly what I think. Because the reason

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Speaker 1: I thought that was fascinating. So I realized that it's

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Speaker 1: a really popular concept to believe in soulmates, to believe

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Speaker 1: that there is someone ideally suited to you as a

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Speaker 1: romantic partner. And I think that that idea, like many ideas,

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Speaker 1: has certain positives, but it also has certain negatives. It

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Speaker 1: has pros and cons, and in this episode, I want

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Speaker 1: to dissect that as I share with you these eleven principles.

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Speaker 1: When I look at this through the lens of wisdom,

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Speaker 1: one of the things that's fascinating to me is that

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Speaker 1: in traditions, especially Eastern traditions that value the role of

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Speaker 1: karma and reincarnation, the idea that we have multiple lives,

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Speaker 1: and therefore, throughout those multiple lives, we may re meet

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Speaker 1: and reconnect with several people that we've connected within the

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Speaker 1: past for the benefit of transformation, purification, and growth. If

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Speaker 1: we don't learn a lesson, learn a principle, we're often

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Speaker 1: brought into similar scenarios or settings where we can reconnect

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Speaker 1: with that meaning, with that lesson, with that growth. Soulmates

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Speaker 1: in that sense are people that are connected to us

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Speaker 1: throughout our lifetimes that keep reoccurring for us to learn

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Speaker 1: certain principles, for us to have certain growth periods, for

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Speaker 1: us to go on certain journeys. But I think today

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Speaker 1: we've over simple fid The version of a soulmate is

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Speaker 1: just being this perfect person that exists just for us.

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Speaker 1: And while it is true that you can construct and

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Speaker 1: build and grow a relationship, to believe that there is

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Speaker 1: only one person who is already this is where my

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Speaker 1: challenge with this idea comes from, is that we believe

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Speaker 1: that there is someone already ideally suited. I believe that

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Speaker 1: there are people who are ideally suited to work with

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Speaker 1: to grow with, but to believe that there is already

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Speaker 1: someone ideally suited with no work. That's where I struggle

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Speaker 1: with the concept. So when I share these ideas today,

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Speaker 1: what they really are is you're going to meet someone,

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Speaker 1: and that someone is going to come with all their flaws,

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Speaker 1: their baggage, there challenges, their trauma. But it is up

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Speaker 1: to you and that person to figure out whether you're

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Speaker 1: willing to do that work in order to make that

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Speaker 1: person a soulmate, in order to make that person the one.

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Speaker 1: So this is really about that part of the journey,

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Speaker 1: because that's often the part of the journey that we

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Speaker 1: want to miss. The first one is a relationship only

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Speaker 1: works if both people are working on it. Now, that

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you're working on it at the same time,

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Speaker 1: but both people have to sign up to work for

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Speaker 1: the relationship. Now, it's important that when I say this

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Speaker 1: that you notice people work for the relationship in different ways.

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Speaker 1: Not everyone is working on it in the same way

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Speaker 1: as you. For example, you may be someone who's turning

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Speaker 1: up and solving problems, putting out fires for the relationship.

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Speaker 1: The other person might be preparing, planning, scheduling. So notice

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Speaker 1: how you're both prioritizing the relationship, but one is preparing

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Speaker 1: for challenges, preparing for scenarios, and the other one is

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Speaker 1: putting out fires. Which one is more important? I mean,

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Speaker 1: that's just a subjective debate. The truth is that both

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Speaker 1: people are working on the relationship, but they're working on

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Speaker 1: it in different ways. And this is often our mistake

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Speaker 1: as humans is that we're looking for people to work

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Speaker 1: on things the way we work on them, and when

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Speaker 1: they don't work on things the way we work on them,

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Speaker 1: we think they're not working right. Imagine you just bought

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Speaker 1: a new piece of furniture from Ikea or Ikea, I

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Speaker 1: don't know how you say it. Here in the UK

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Speaker 1: we say Ikea. And you're putting this piece of furniture together,

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Speaker 1: and one of you is going through all the instructions.

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Speaker 1: One of you is putting it all together, etc. But

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Speaker 1: the other person's not doing that. But they put the

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Speaker 1: order in, they went and picked it up. They are

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Speaker 1: someone who's planning the next thing for the next room. Now,

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Speaker 1: the person who's actually putting it together may feel like

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Speaker 1: they're doing all the work, but the other person's also

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Speaker 1: working on a different part a different way. So when

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Speaker 1: you ask yourself the question are we both working on

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Speaker 1: this relationship? Take a moment to notice how someone's working,

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Speaker 1: because often when people are not working like us, we

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Speaker 1: feel they're not working at all. And that is one

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Speaker 1: of the biggest mistakes we make in relationships, where we

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Speaker 1: say where you're not working on this relationship, you're not

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Speaker 1: helping build this relationship, You're not constructive in this relationship.

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Speaker 1: But actually they are just in a different way. Everyone

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Speaker 1: brings something different to a relationship, and that's what makes

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Speaker 1: it special. That's really truly what makes it special. I

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Speaker 1: want to share with you the biggest news of the year.

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Speaker 1: How many of you want to meditate? I can see

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Speaker 1: your head's nodding, I can see you raising your hands.

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Speaker 1: I can see you saying, yes, Jay, I really want

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Speaker 1: to learn to meditate. How many of you would like

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Speaker 1: to learn to meditate with me? Every single day? Now,

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Speaker 1: I already know what the answer is because I know

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Speaker 1: how many messages DMS reviews notes that I get saying Jay,

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Speaker 1: I'd love to meditate with you. Last year, we took

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Speaker 1: meditation to Instagram and I meditated for around forty days

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Speaker 1: live and twenty million of you tuned in. Now I

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Speaker 1: am taking that same focus, that same presence to Calm.

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Speaker 1: I've partnered up with Calm to release a new series

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Speaker 1: called The Daily Ja where you can meditate with me

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Speaker 1: every single day for seven minutes to make it a

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Speaker 1: real habit. I would love for you to come and

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Speaker 1: join me and take part in building a really powerful

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Speaker 1: meditation practice. And guess what, we're going to do it together?

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Speaker 1: Head over right now Tocalm dot com Forward slash j

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Speaker 1: to get forty percent off a premium membership. That's Calm

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Speaker 1: dot com Forward slash J. I had this beautiful opportunity

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Speaker 1: this week. I was contacted by Jennifer Opez, who of

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Speaker 1: course we've had on the podcast before and her team

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Speaker 1: and they asked me to be a part of her

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Speaker 1: special on NBC for the movie Marry Me. So their

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Speaker 1: movies or some I just went to the premiere, who's

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Speaker 1: absolutely fantastic. I love a feel good rom com, I

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Speaker 1: genuinely do. I have a long list of my favorites,

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Speaker 1: everything from how to Lose a Guy in ten Days

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Speaker 1: He's just not that into you to think like a man,

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Speaker 1: and the list goes on and Raddy and I absolutely

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Speaker 1: love rom coms and we're always like why can't we

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Speaker 1: have more rom combs in the world. So, you know,

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Speaker 1: I loved watching the movie Marry Me. But along with that,

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Speaker 1: because she wrote and sang the whole soundtrack, she launched

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Speaker 1: a special premiere, which is a music concert with her

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Speaker 1: and Maluma for NBC, and on that she asked me

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Speaker 1: to speak about love and also to officiate the weddings

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Speaker 1: of four people as part of the special. Now, these

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Speaker 1: four people's stories brought tears to my eyes and literally

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Speaker 1: all of us as we were officiing this wedding, we

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Speaker 1: were all into because one of the couples they've been

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Speaker 1: together for fifty years and they were renewing their vows

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Speaker 1: and I was just blown away. I mean, I'm inspired

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Speaker 1: by them. And then another couple, one of them had

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Speaker 1: asked the man had asked the woman now in the

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Speaker 1: relationship when they were eleven years old, and she said

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Speaker 1: no because she thought they were too young. And now

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Speaker 1: eleven years ago they got engaged and now they got married.

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Speaker 1: And there was another couple, Matt and Bruno, who asked

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Speaker 1: me if they could exchange rings, and I was just like, look,

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Speaker 1: this is your wedding. I wanted you to have the

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Speaker 1: most special wedding. Why am I sharing all these examples

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Speaker 1: with you, because I've been immersed in love this week,

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Speaker 1: and as I was speaking about love that day, I

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Speaker 1: spoke about love based on this second principle that relationships

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Speaker 1: are a classroom, not a candy shop. This is a

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Speaker 1: really interesting mindset shift that the commitment we're making when

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Speaker 1: we commit to love is to choose love over ego,

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Speaker 1: to choose love over challenges, to choose love over everything.

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Speaker 1: That's the commitment you're making is can you choose love?

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Speaker 1: And relationships are a classroom for love, not a candy shop,

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Speaker 1: because a candy shop means I just want to have fun.

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Speaker 1: I just want pleasure. And if you view your relationship

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Speaker 1: as just another way to get pleasure, you may be

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Speaker 1: very dissatisfied or discontent because that seeking for pleasure is

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Speaker 1: dissatisfying in and of itself, because now you just seek

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Speaker 1: more pleasure, and more pleasure and more pleasure. The pursuit

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Speaker 1: of pleasure is a never ending pursuit, and relationships are

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Speaker 1: actually designed for purification, for unlocking your potential, for helping

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Speaker 1: you discover your purpose, much more powerful or ground breaking

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Speaker 1: beautiful things. But we're like, just make me happy, give

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Speaker 1: me pleasure, Give me pleasure. And when you walk in

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Speaker 1: and say give me pleasure, that person now has to

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Speaker 1: be like a candy shop where they just keep trying

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Speaker 1: to give you pleasure, but you don't work on deeper aspects.

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Speaker 1: So why are relationships about a classroom? Because they're purifying.

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Speaker 1: Relationships purify you of all your negative intentions, of all

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Speaker 1: your selfish desires. Because you have to think about someone else,

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Speaker 1: you have to work on yourself. It's forcing you to

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Speaker 1: grow up. It's forcing you to take responsibility. You've been

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Speaker 1: dodging and avoiding responsibility. All of a sudden, you have

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Speaker 1: someone in your life and you really really have to

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Speaker 1: show up. You really have to show up. The second

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Speaker 1: reason that it's about potential is because relationships help you

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Speaker 1: realize things about yourself that you didn't even know. Relationships

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Speaker 1: help you learn lessons that you would never learn. Because

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Speaker 1: now you're spending so much deep intimate time with someone,

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Speaker 1: your flaws come out, your mistakes come out. Those would

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Speaker 1: never come out if you're on your own. And finally,

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Speaker 1: they're also about purpose because you get the opportunity to

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Speaker 1: share this journey with someone. But all of this is

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Speaker 1: only unlocked when we don't just seek pleasure. We have

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Speaker 1: to seek more than pleasure from a relationship for it

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Speaker 1: to be pleasurable. How fascinating is that concept? Right, just

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Speaker 1: wrap your head around that for a second. When you

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Speaker 1: seek pleasure, it almost runs away from you. When you

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Speaker 1: seek purpose, when you seek potential, when you seek purification,

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Speaker 1: pleasure comes towards you. Because pleasure is a byproduct of

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Speaker 1: putting in the work. It is not meant to be

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Speaker 1: a pursuit in and of itself, and that is where

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Speaker 1: we go wrong. Now, the third principle is be playful,

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Speaker 1: but don't play mind games. Playfulness is so important, but

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Speaker 1: I still find so many people saying, well, he's not messaging,

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Speaker 1: she's not messaging me. He's not asked me out. They've

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Speaker 1: not asked me out, they haven't made the first move.

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Speaker 1: If you're interested, make the move and observe. If the

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Speaker 1: person doesn't reciprocate, move on. Make the move and move forward,

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Speaker 1: or move on. If you don't make the move, you're

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Speaker 1: constantly kidding yourself to figure out where this person stands

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Speaker 1: with you. Right, make the move, and then you have

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Speaker 1: two choices. You move forward because you like the way

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Speaker 1: the other person responds or you move on. Now, we

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Speaker 1: don't do that because our ego makes us think we're

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Speaker 1: weak if we make the move, But actually we build

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Speaker 1: strength when we make the move, because we build confidence

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Speaker 1: in where is this going. We're now in charge of

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Speaker 1: our destiny because we're saying this is something I'm interested in.

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Speaker 1: Let me display that interest, and if the interest is

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Speaker 1: not reciprocated, I can move on freely. But if you're

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Speaker 1: just waiting, you may waste time. If you're just waiting,

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Speaker 1: you just spend time hoping, wishing, wanting, waiting, which just

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Speaker 1: drains energy and actually takes away from that relationship. Be playful,

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Speaker 1: but don't play mind games. Right, Be playful. It's important

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Speaker 1: to have fun, it's important to create joy. But the

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Speaker 1: mind games destroy the authenticity of a connection. And I

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Speaker 1: see too many people who don't think they're playing mind games.

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Speaker 1: Like You're like, I'm not playing any games. I'm just

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Speaker 1: you know, I'm just making sure that they're interested in me.

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Speaker 1: But it's like, let's just display how we feel as

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Speaker 1: opposed to hoping, wishing, wanting, waiting. When are they going

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Speaker 1: to do this? When are they going to do that?

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Speaker 1: So much time and energy is wasted in that hope.

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Speaker 1: The fourth principle is making someone feel bad does not

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Speaker 1: make them be good, but might make them act good.

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Speaker 1: Let me repeat that one. This is huge. Making someone

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Speaker 1: feel bad does not make them become good, but it

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Speaker 1: might make them act good. So I used to believe

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Speaker 1: that if someone wasn't responding to me, if I made

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Speaker 1: them feel really bad, then that would make them change,

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Speaker 1: if they felt bad about it, if I made them

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Speaker 1: feel guilty, that that would make them grow. And actually

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Speaker 1: I realized that I actually pushed, and even with Rather,

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Speaker 1: I often did this. With Rather. I would make her

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Speaker 1: feel guilty if I wasn't happy, and then she just

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Speaker 1: didn't feel she could do anything to make me happy.

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Speaker 1: So there were times when she would actually hold back

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Speaker 1: because she was like, well, he's not going to be

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Speaker 1: happy with anything, so I'll just play it safe. And

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Speaker 1: to me that looked like she was putting in even

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Speaker 1: less effort. But I realized that making someone feel bad

305
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Speaker 1: does not make them become good, it might make them

306
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Speaker 1: act good. Like people start pretending, People start trying to

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Speaker 1: make you happy, and now you think they're being inauthentic

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Speaker 1: if someone's letting you down. If someone is not according

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Speaker 1: to your standards or what you need or you're looking for.

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Speaker 1: Communicate that without guilt. Communicate that without judgment. Communicate that

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Speaker 1: without expectation. Because we don't change because of judgment, guilt,

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Speaker 1: and expectation. We change because of love, clarity, and communication. Right,

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Speaker 1: we don't change because of judgment, guilt, and expectation. We

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Speaker 1: change because of clarity, openness, and communication. Remember this next

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Speaker 1: time you share something. Because it's so easy to try

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Speaker 1: and make someone feel bad, hoping that that will make

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Speaker 1: them be good. But they'll just act good, they'll tiptoe

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Speaker 1: around you. Maybe they'll last a few more months, but

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Speaker 1: it won't be satisfying. No one wants someone around them

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Speaker 1: that's acting good, that's on their best behavior. We're not

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Speaker 1: in school. That's a huge one principle Number five. You

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00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:12,200
Speaker 1: have to learn about this person again and again and again.

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Speaker 1: Remember when you meet someone new and you ask some

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Speaker 1: things like what's your favorite cuisine? Where would you like

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Speaker 1: to travel? What did you want to be when you

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Speaker 1: grew up? Right, you ask these questions and you have

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Speaker 1: fantastic conversations and the chemistry and this interest. And now

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Speaker 1: you've been dating for a long time and you already

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Speaker 1: know the answer to those questions or hope maybe you do,

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Speaker 1: but you stopped learning new things about the same person.

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Speaker 1: I was recently on a podcast with Demi Levado where

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Speaker 1: she interviewed me, and I said to I don't think

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Speaker 1: there's any new ideas. I think there are only deeper ones.

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Speaker 1: And this approach, to me is how we have to

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Speaker 1: solve relationships. You're not going to get to know a

336
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Speaker 1: new person if you're committed to a person in love,

337
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:57,480
Speaker 1: but you can always know them deeper. And this is

338
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Speaker 1: partly why infidelity being moving on is so attractive, because

339
00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:05,920
Speaker 1: you're getting to know someone new again until they become old,

340
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,000
Speaker 1: and when they become old, you want to move on

341
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:12,200
Speaker 1: to someone new because we're fascinated by newness, right We're

342
00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:16,679
Speaker 1: addicted to newness. There's something about the new phone, the

343
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Speaker 1: new TV show, the new season, the new outfits, the

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Speaker 1: new person in their life. Newness is a natural phenomena

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Speaker 1: for humans to be attracted to, and we need to

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Speaker 1: use that as a trick of the mind. We have

347
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Speaker 1: to use that. We can't ignore that. I can't tell

348
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Speaker 1: you no, no, no, Just be fascinated with the old.

349
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Speaker 1: Just be fascinated with what you already know, because that's

350
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Speaker 1: not how we're wired. We're wired to be attracted to

351
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Speaker 1: new things. That's the way we're built, right, because it's

352
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:52,600
Speaker 1: what helped us adapt, it's what's kept us relevant, it's

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Speaker 1: what kept us alive. So keeping something alive in our

354
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Speaker 1: relationship means seeking the new and the depth in the old.

355
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Speaker 1: I talk about this experience in my book Think Like

356
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Speaker 1: a Monk, when as monks we would walk down the

357
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Speaker 1: same path every day and we were asked to find

358
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Speaker 1: a new flower, or a new stone, or notice a

359
00:22:16,119 --> 00:22:19,040
Speaker 1: new part in nature. And I'm not kidding with you.

360
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:23,240
Speaker 1: I discovered so many interesting shaped stones, discovered so many

361
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Speaker 1: amazing flowers that I would never have noticed before, and

362
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Speaker 1: I started to realize that the same old path could

363
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Speaker 1: be new, beautifully extraordinary. To look for the extraordinary within

364
00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:41,359
Speaker 1: the ordinary, to look for the uniqueness in the sameness,

365
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:45,760
Speaker 1: is a skill that we have to develop in our relationships.

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Speaker 1: I find that I'm discovering new things about Rather all

367
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Speaker 1: the time, and that's what makes me fall in love

368
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Speaker 1: with her again and again and again. Right It's like

369
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Speaker 1: I don't love Rather for the same reasons today as

370
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Speaker 1: I did when I first met her. I'd say I

371
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:03,840
Speaker 1: love her for deeper reasons. Right, That's how love gets deeper.

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Speaker 1: When you say has your love got deeper, It's got deeper,

373
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Speaker 1: not because of more time. It's not got deeper because

374
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Speaker 1: of more years. It's got deeper because I love her

375
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Speaker 1: for more depth about her. Right, I've learned newer things.

376
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Speaker 1: I've learned deeper things about her that make me fall

377
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Speaker 1: in love with her more. Now, this is number six.

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Speaker 1: This is a very practical thing. Up to until now,

379
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Speaker 1: I've been talking about mindset shifts and changes, but this

380
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Speaker 1: is a really practical one. Work on a relationship priority

381
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Speaker 1: together every month. So you may say this month, we're

382
00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:45,679
Speaker 1: working on our communication. We're going to try and be

383
00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:49,080
Speaker 1: kind and empathetic. You may say this month we're going

384
00:23:49,119 --> 00:23:50,840
Speaker 1: to try and work on our routine. We're going to

385
00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:52,760
Speaker 1: try and go to sleep in bed at the same

386
00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:55,800
Speaker 1: time because we want to spend that time together. This month,

387
00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:59,440
Speaker 1: we're focusing on date night. So what you start doing

388
00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:02,520
Speaker 1: is you all create a plan and a priority for

389
00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:04,560
Speaker 1: your relationship rather than trying to do all of them.

390
00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:06,760
Speaker 1: Most of the time, we're like, okay, this, we've gotta

391
00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:08,160
Speaker 1: do date now this week, And we got to connect,

392
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:09,600
Speaker 1: and we got to communicate, and I'm going to spend

393
00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:11,240
Speaker 1: time with our friends, and we're going to host dinners.

394
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:17,120
Speaker 1: No one thing per month, twelve things a year. This

395
00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:20,840
Speaker 1: month we're focused on our finances. This month, we're focused

396
00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:24,000
Speaker 1: on our personal growth. I mean personal growths always. This

397
00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:27,720
Speaker 1: month we're focused on understanding new things about each other.

398
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:31,240
Speaker 1: This month we're focused on trying new experiences together. Take

399
00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:33,919
Speaker 1: on a project every month like you do at work.

400
00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:36,480
Speaker 1: I promise you if you approach it in that way,

401
00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:39,080
Speaker 1: you plan your four weekends out, you've got four events

402
00:24:39,119 --> 00:24:41,520
Speaker 1: to plan, to focus on it that month, to break

403
00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:45,879
Speaker 1: it down that way, and you will notice that that priority,

404
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:50,239
Speaker 1: that project, that plan creates so much excitement. So this

405
00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:52,720
Speaker 1: is the month we're focusing on our communication. All we're

406
00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:55,679
Speaker 1: trying to do is be kinder when we communicate. What

407
00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:58,919
Speaker 1: a beautiful thing to focus on. One of the things

408
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:02,679
Speaker 1: that I've loved about relationships is when you're working on

409
00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:06,320
Speaker 1: something together, because then you feel you're growing together rather

410
00:25:06,359 --> 00:25:10,960
Speaker 1: than being in the same place. The next one is

411
00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:16,640
Speaker 1: any recurring issues, solve them for the long term. If

412
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:20,159
Speaker 1: you and your partner keep messing up on something, stop

413
00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:22,679
Speaker 1: trying to solve it in the same way together. You

414
00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:25,160
Speaker 1: may need to outsource it, you may need to bring

415
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:28,040
Speaker 1: someone in, You may need to invest a little bit

416
00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:30,840
Speaker 1: together to get rid of it. Like if something keeps

417
00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:34,159
Speaker 1: going wrong, you need to figure out a way of

418
00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:37,280
Speaker 1: dealing with it so both of you are not having

419
00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:39,640
Speaker 1: to deal with it, and there are lots of simple

420
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:43,080
Speaker 1: adjustments you can make to make that change. Happens if

421
00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:46,080
Speaker 1: you see a recurring issue, figure out a way to

422
00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:49,560
Speaker 1: create a long term solution, because obviously both of you

423
00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:51,240
Speaker 1: are not able to do it now. What happens is

424
00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:55,879
Speaker 1: that those things often amplify and become huge. The next

425
00:25:55,880 --> 00:26:00,919
Speaker 1: one is prepare your partner for your mood swings. We

426
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:03,679
Speaker 1: all know when we're gonna have a tough week. We

427
00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:06,480
Speaker 1: all know when we're going to be unreachable, but we're

428
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:10,280
Speaker 1: carrying the guilt and instead of explaining it, we just

429
00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:12,719
Speaker 1: hope we're going to be good. I'll always tell rather

430
00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:14,560
Speaker 1: rather I've got a really busy week coming up. I'm

431
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:16,480
Speaker 1: going to be really like stressed, and I've got a

432
00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:19,119
Speaker 1: lot of pressure on, So just be mindful when you

433
00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:20,880
Speaker 1: check in with me. Just know that that's where I'm

434
00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:24,399
Speaker 1: coming from, right or like Hey, if you message me today,

435
00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:27,120
Speaker 1: just know that I'm in meetings and so my messages

436
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:30,600
Speaker 1: may be short. This is a really good technique for

437
00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:33,840
Speaker 1: your own self as well, because you start cutting yourself

438
00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:35,679
Speaker 1: some slack because you're like, all right, I know I'm

439
00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:37,840
Speaker 1: going to feel this way, and if I inform my

440
00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:41,520
Speaker 1: partner now we both know, and I've prepared my partner

441
00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:44,320
Speaker 1: for my mood swings, rather than them being surprised and

442
00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:47,600
Speaker 1: thinking it's about them, rather than me being surprised and

443
00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:49,760
Speaker 1: trying to hold it all together. Sometimes we're like, oh

444
00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:51,320
Speaker 1: my god, I'm just trying to be the most perfect

445
00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:53,879
Speaker 1: person even I'm dealing with all this pressure. Rather than

446
00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:56,720
Speaker 1: just saying top on it. Hey, I'm under pressure, and

447
00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:58,679
Speaker 1: I may communicate this way, and I just want you

448
00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:00,600
Speaker 1: to be aware that it's not about you. I'm working

449
00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:03,919
Speaker 1: on it and I'm figuring it out. Prepare your partner

450
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:07,480
Speaker 1: for your mood swings. Next one, don't make them work

451
00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:10,640
Speaker 1: through your trauma. Work on it yourself, and be patient

452
00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:14,320
Speaker 1: as they do theirs your trauma and your challenges. They

453
00:27:14,359 --> 00:27:16,960
Speaker 1: can support you, they can be patient, but it is

454
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:19,520
Speaker 1: you who has to work through it. And often we're

455
00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:22,240
Speaker 1: like my partner's not doing this. My partner's not doing that,

456
00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:25,840
Speaker 1: And usually it's because we're not doing it, we're not

457
00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:29,000
Speaker 1: making the time for it, and that guilt is rubbing

458
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:31,280
Speaker 1: off onto our partners. So yes, our partner is going

459
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:34,680
Speaker 1: to be patient with us, stay through the pain. But

460
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:39,159
Speaker 1: it's so important for you to do that work on yourself,

461
00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:40,720
Speaker 1: and that's why you're here. That's where you're listening to

462
00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:45,720
Speaker 1: on Purpose, right And we've got so many more exciting therapists, coaches, experts,

463
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:48,720
Speaker 1: academics coming on to the show this year that I

464
00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:51,520
Speaker 1: cannot wait to share with you. The next one is

465
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:56,560
Speaker 1: focus on how you can compliment, not compete, or complete

466
00:27:57,000 --> 00:28:01,000
Speaker 1: your partner. A lot of couples end up competing. Competition

467
00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:03,919
Speaker 1: means there's a winner and a loser. A lot of

468
00:28:04,119 --> 00:28:07,040
Speaker 1: couples trying to complete each other. We're trying to be perfect.

469
00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:13,679
Speaker 1: It doesn't exist compliment both in words, but compliment in

470
00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:16,639
Speaker 1: what you bring. When you compete, you're trying to be

471
00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:21,040
Speaker 1: the same person. When you complete, you're trying to be everything.

472
00:28:21,720 --> 00:28:25,760
Speaker 1: When you compliment, you're trying to be You think about

473
00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:30,760
Speaker 1: that for a second. Complimenting means noticing the beauty your

474
00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:34,800
Speaker 1: relationship and your partner brings. Noticing the beauty you bring,

475
00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:38,560
Speaker 1: not trying to be perfect and not trying to win.

476
00:28:39,360 --> 00:28:41,720
Speaker 1: And the final one is recognize what they bring to

477
00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:45,080
Speaker 1: the relationship, not just what they take. Take a moment

478
00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:48,720
Speaker 1: today to notice what this person brings to the relationship,

479
00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:51,560
Speaker 1: what they do for you, and tell them they probably

480
00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:54,840
Speaker 1: don't hear it enough. I'm so grateful you. Listen to

481
00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:58,200
Speaker 1: today's episode. Thank you so much for diving in. Tag

482
00:28:58,280 --> 00:29:00,920
Speaker 1: me and let me know which is the best one

483
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:02,600
Speaker 1: for you, which is the one that's going to have

484
00:29:02,600 --> 00:29:05,160
Speaker 1: the most impact, And I'll see you again next week.

485
00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:10,080
Speaker 1: Have a great one. We're adding something new this year.

486
00:29:10,480 --> 00:29:13,640
Speaker 1: I'm calling them calm moments. I'm going to give you

487
00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:17,760
Speaker 1: special access to an episode of The Daily J. The

488
00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:22,080
Speaker 1: Daily J is a seven minute daily meditation habit that's

489
00:29:22,160 --> 00:29:25,160
Speaker 1: on Calm. I'm giving you a sneak peek into what

490
00:29:25,240 --> 00:29:28,600
Speaker 1: you'll experience if you come over and get forty percent

491
00:29:28,680 --> 00:29:32,200
Speaker 1: off a premium membership at Calm dot com Forward slash J.

492
00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:35,120
Speaker 1: I can't wait for you to experience this calm moment.

493
00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:39,720
Speaker 1: Let's do it now. Today's goal is to get back

494
00:29:39,720 --> 00:29:42,920
Speaker 1: in touch with the most essential thing in the world. Now,

495
00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:46,280
Speaker 1: I'm not talking about your Instagram account. I'm talking about

496
00:29:46,320 --> 00:29:53,480
Speaker 1: Inhales and Excels, breathing life. These next seven minutes are

497
00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:57,040
Speaker 1: about you, your breath, and how it can be used

498
00:29:57,040 --> 00:30:02,040
Speaker 1: to manage your emotions. I'm Jay Jadie. Welcome to the

499
00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:08,000
Speaker 1: Daily Jay, and let's begin with that breath. Let's get centered.

500
00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:16,800
Speaker 1: Big breath in and a big breath out. How about

501
00:30:16,880 --> 00:30:23,360
Speaker 1: going even a little bigger this time in and out?

502
00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:34,840
Speaker 1: One more and out we go. The breath is the

503
00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:38,520
Speaker 1: foundation of life, Yet how often do we take it

504
00:30:38,600 --> 00:30:42,880
Speaker 1: for granted, going about our days, forgetting that everything we

505
00:30:42,920 --> 00:30:46,680
Speaker 1: do is possible because our body just continues to breathe.

506
00:30:47,800 --> 00:30:50,560
Speaker 1: There's actually a way to be mindful of your breath,

507
00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:54,600
Speaker 1: to think about it differently, that can transform your life.

508
00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:58,280
Speaker 1: It's something I learned on my very first day of

509
00:30:58,360 --> 00:31:01,640
Speaker 1: monks school. I was kind of in between my old

510
00:31:01,680 --> 00:31:04,400
Speaker 1: life and my new one. I was in an ushroom

511
00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:07,760
Speaker 1: in Mumbai, committed to becoming a monk, but I hadn't

512
00:31:07,840 --> 00:31:11,120
Speaker 1: yet started down the path. I shaved my head, but

513
00:31:11,200 --> 00:31:14,239
Speaker 1: I wasn't yet wearing my robes. I felt like a

514
00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:17,000
Speaker 1: fish out of water. I'm sure I looked like a

515
00:31:17,040 --> 00:31:19,920
Speaker 1: fish out of water. But this was where I wanted

516
00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:25,640
Speaker 1: to be, and my curiosity outweighed my anxiety. So I

517
00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:28,200
Speaker 1: was wandering down the long hallway of the main building,

518
00:31:28,600 --> 00:31:31,760
Speaker 1: past classrooms on either side, and I came across a

519
00:31:31,840 --> 00:31:36,480
Speaker 1: child monk teaching a group of younger kids. It was incredible.

520
00:31:36,840 --> 00:31:39,160
Speaker 1: He must have been like ten years old and his

521
00:31:39,280 --> 00:31:43,120
Speaker 1: students were like five. I observed them for a while

522
00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:46,880
Speaker 1: from a distance, and I noticed that the teacher had

523
00:31:46,920 --> 00:31:50,760
Speaker 1: this incredible aura about him, a sense of poise and

524
00:31:50,840 --> 00:31:55,160
Speaker 1: confidence way beyond his years. When the class was over,

525
00:31:55,320 --> 00:31:57,520
Speaker 1: I went up to him and asked what he had

526
00:31:57,560 --> 00:32:01,280
Speaker 1: just taught his students. Turns out it was their first

527
00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:05,160
Speaker 1: class ever. He explained that the first thing they had

528
00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:09,680
Speaker 1: taught is how to breathe, because that's the only thing

529
00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:13,560
Speaker 1: that stays with you from the moment you're born till

530
00:32:13,600 --> 00:32:18,160
Speaker 1: the moment you die. All your friends, your family, the

531
00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:22,680
Speaker 1: country you live in, all of that can change. The

532
00:32:22,760 --> 00:32:27,240
Speaker 1: one thing that stays with you is your breath. It's

533
00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:31,560
Speaker 1: also an indicator of your emotional state. When you get stressed,

534
00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:37,600
Speaker 1: what changes your breath? When you get angry, what changes

535
00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:43,080
Speaker 1: your breath? As he told it, we experience every emotion

536
00:32:43,440 --> 00:32:46,760
Speaker 1: with the change of the breath. When you learn to

537
00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:53,240
Speaker 1: manage your breath, you can navigate any situation in life. Wow,

538
00:32:54,120 --> 00:32:58,280
Speaker 1: I was mind blown. I had meditated before, and I

539
00:32:58,280 --> 00:33:00,840
Speaker 1: had some vague understanding of the hour of the breath,

540
00:33:01,440 --> 00:33:05,800
Speaker 1: but I had never heard it articulated like that. How

541
00:33:05,880 --> 00:33:09,640
Speaker 1: often do we get worked up losing ourselves in spirals

542
00:33:09,680 --> 00:33:14,120
Speaker 1: of negative thoughts or emotions? How often do we spring

543
00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:18,640
Speaker 1: into action or really reaction without any idea of our

544
00:33:18,800 --> 00:33:22,840
Speaker 1: end goal? How often do we say things we don't

545
00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:29,200
Speaker 1: want to say or do things we don't want to do. Fortunately,

546
00:33:29,240 --> 00:33:33,120
Speaker 1: a few deep, mindful breaths can always help reset your

547
00:33:33,120 --> 00:33:37,440
Speaker 1: system and regulate your fight or flight response, allowing you

548
00:33:37,520 --> 00:33:42,760
Speaker 1: to make decisions with more composure and clarity. And with

549
00:33:42,840 --> 00:33:46,480
Speaker 1: our final couple of minutes together, let's put these lessons

550
00:33:46,480 --> 00:33:54,600
Speaker 1: into practice. Let's breathe so get comfortable wherever you are,

551
00:33:56,320 --> 00:34:05,400
Speaker 1: settling into your body and into this, letting go of

552
00:34:05,480 --> 00:34:10,560
Speaker 1: any tension. Sometimes I like to roll my shoulders a

553
00:34:10,560 --> 00:34:17,880
Speaker 1: little or stretch my neck. Close your eyes if you want,

554
00:34:19,840 --> 00:34:27,640
Speaker 1: or leave them open. This is your experience, and let's

555
00:34:27,640 --> 00:34:40,839
Speaker 1: take a deeper breath here, fully in and fully out. Now,

556
00:34:40,960 --> 00:34:49,680
Speaker 1: just breathe as you would naturally, no focus, no force,

557
00:34:53,239 --> 00:34:57,840
Speaker 1: and gently try bringing your attention to the specific sensations

558
00:34:58,280 --> 00:35:04,719
Speaker 1: of breathing. Feeling the cool, fresh air, entering your nostrils

559
00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:13,680
Speaker 1: on an inhale, feeling the body expand with oxygen, feeling

560
00:35:13,680 --> 00:35:22,160
Speaker 1: the sense of release when you exhale all the way.

561
00:35:22,239 --> 00:35:27,479
Speaker 1: And now let's open it up. As you go through

562
00:35:27,520 --> 00:35:31,560
Speaker 1: your day, maybe you can find little in between moments

563
00:35:32,080 --> 00:35:36,160
Speaker 1: to bring this type of attention to your breath, like

564
00:35:36,280 --> 00:35:39,480
Speaker 1: waiting for your tea to boil, or even just tying

565
00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:45,960
Speaker 1: your shoes. Going forward, when you start to lose control,

566
00:35:46,920 --> 00:35:50,800
Speaker 1: try pausing for a second and taking a few deep

567
00:35:50,840 --> 00:35:58,160
Speaker 1: breaths before reacting. I promise you this will make a

568
00:35:58,200 --> 00:36:04,040
Speaker 1: genuine impact. Now, before we say goodbye, let's take one

569
00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:09,960
Speaker 1: more conscious breath together, inhaling gratitude for the life force

570
00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:15,680
Speaker 1: that sustains us, and exhaling a thank you for always

571
00:36:15,719 --> 00:36:22,640
Speaker 1: being there. I really hope you enjoyed today's experience. I'm

572
00:36:22,680 --> 00:36:25,160
Speaker 1: grateful you chose to spend time with me, and I

573
00:36:25,239 --> 00:36:26,760
Speaker 1: cannot wait to see you tomorrow.